There are so many times over the last 25 years I have felt like I was speaking Greek or something when I talk to H. Seriously! Twenty-five years together hasn't made this better either. He still looks at me with that 'deer in the headlight' look.
I honestly think sometimes reason and truth rattle them. At least it does H.
When this happens, H will reach into his bag of tricks and start the gas lighting and blame shifting.
One of the bumps I run into all the time talking to H is defined this way for me: In order to discredit a victim, an abuser will often blame the victim for their own actions, even going so far as to say the victim is in fact the one who committed the abuse. This may cause the victim to feel defeated or like they are losing their mind. In a particularly weakened state, the victim may even believe they are at fault. Abusers often claim friends, family, mental health professionals, church leaders or other authorities are in agreement with them, which has the effect of isolating the victim and preventing the victim from getting help. Now the abuser has all the power and control over the victim and their relationship.
It happened again last evening (not quite as bad as this statement above -- but it happened) when I realized H had breached another boundary yesterday during Sacrament meeting.
Before H came back in April I went over the boundaries and my non-negotiables. One very important non-negotiable: "There were to be not games on his phone. He wasn't to play games, on my phone or any other phone. He's not to download, play, delete either". No games!
Maybe this seems harsh. I guess you would have to know how addictive and compulsive H's behavior is. During the last few years of the serious acting out, H also became an addicted compulsive gamer. He was on his phone ALL the time, even at work. (I discovered that checking the bill one day and seeing all the data come through on work days, during work hours.) At night, when H was home, he wouldn't even talk to anyone. His face was in his phone from the minute he got in the door. He'd often go in the other room with his phone and when I'd come in he would turn it upside down or try to hide it. On weekends he would be up until 3 or 4 in the morning 'playing games." Now, I knew it wasn't just games. He had a hidden IM'ing ap and he had several other ways to chat with women or look at porn. Three years of all of this, made for zero tolerance when H came home again -- promising he would turn his back on all of 'that.'
Except that he conveniently forgets these promises.
Yesterday during Sacrament he thought he could try out a 'math' game. Aside from that the fact that we were in church, he rationalized that it isn't really a game. (I'm not sure what kind of math game ap, played during Sacrament meeting, for a man who works with huge numbers and algorithms all day long was educational or improvement based and not a game --- but I don't know -- my thinking could be off.)
Last night while trying to discuss and sort out the issue, he decided that I also have compulsive issues with my phone and that justifies him being on his phone.
To a normal-minded reader, all this might seem stupid and nit-picky. The reality is, you just don't put an addict in front of a trigger and expect them to just turn away or to not look at other options when the first hit isn't as satisfying. In the same way you don't send an alcoholic, trying to recover, to a bar. The end result is usually a slip and 'just one' drink.
I imagine it is difficult for H. The littles are often on one of the devices we have here. It's in his face all the time. Just like women -- there they are -- every store he walks into, when he drives down the street, at work (which is a favorite MO of H's). H has to decide what he's going to do with those thoughts and impulses.
Games, to me, are an interesting kind of fix for H's addiction. They seem fuel juices that open desires for more addictive behaviors. Games aren't enough after a while and you need a bigger hit.
It's sad, but it is so very real and true.
I read once on alcoholrehab.com about slips and relapses: "Even a brief return to substance abuse is a big mistake for people trying to recover from addiction. A slip is a setback, but it doesn’t have to progress into a full-blown relapse... A slip can be the turning point in recovery because it indicates that people have been doing something wrong. If these individuals can learn from the incident it may mean that their recovery will be stronger than ever before."
Right now, H is still furious that he got 'caught'. He's still furious that I set boundaries. He acquiesces, but angrily, which is very dangerous.
I don't know why H doesn't get this yet. I'm searching today for answers. I need some help explaining things to him, because right now, it seems like all I do is 'mother' and I don't want that kind of relationship. H doesn't want to be where he feels 'told' what he can or can't do. There has to be a better way to understand and work through all of this before that 'wits end' of mine (or H's) crash into each other again.
Help!
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