I've been thinking a lot about trials and pain, and about those unexpected trauma triggers that suddenly hit you blindside and T-bone you into a place you hadn't planned to be.
I've heard (and experienced) that pain changes you.
Right now I'm experiencing a different kind of pain. One that I need to find a solution for.
Right now I'm experiencing a different kind of pain. One that I need to find a solution for.
My pain comes from the triggers that happen with affection.
(There's a a good basic article here on triggers: http://www.drjanicecaudill.com/blog/understanding-betrayal-trauma-trauma-triggers-for-partners-of-sex-addicts.html)
I'm struggling a lot with triggers right now in just the daily interactions with H. I recoil and can't seem to rid myself of that reaction. I'm ok with him being around --- just at a great distance. We talk, we laugh and joke around. We go places and do things. All that is just fine, but much past that and I start to look for places to hide. Emotionally hide and even physically hide some times.
I've struggled with attachment issues before, but this feels so complicated and difficult to process through.
When my sweet little S was born I had a horrible detachment issue with him. I was so excited to finally be a mom that this emotion shocked me. I shamed myself for it and fought it tooth and nail those first few days in the hospital. I figured my not wanting to be with the baby had more to do with 36 hours of labor and 6 hours of solid pushing that exhausted me (At one point I actually sent all the medical staff out of the delivery room so I could rest for a bit -- it was that bad for me). Still that need for distance was there, it was real and I hated myself for it.
At another point, I had issues again with this same wonderful S. He was 11 and little D was just new born. The huge difference in size of these two children and both of them needing me emotionally and physically just about did me in. I remember not even being able to hug S. I felt so much shame. I still feel a lot of shame looking back on that, although I try harder to be kinder to myself and to give myself a bit of that grace I wrote about last time.
It is easy to blame my previous experiences on postpartum depression (and cut myself some slack). This current attachment problem has a different face to it, stemming more, I believe, from addiction and all the fallout of living with an addict all these years.
Attachment -- Detachment. Were these the same issue or two different and reasonably explainable ones?
What keeps happening to me that causes issues with connection? Why am I so troubled by it?
Is it a lack of trust? I'm not sure I can connect the issues with my babies to a trust concern. So maybe that isn't a good comparison.
This really bugs me though. Putting parts and pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle helps me to see what fits and what doesn't.
I should google this. I saw a girl in a commercial say that internet has all the answers. Right now I have none. (smirk)
I'm struggling a lot with triggers right now in just the daily interactions with H. I recoil and can't seem to rid myself of that reaction. I'm ok with him being around --- just at a great distance. We talk, we laugh and joke around. We go places and do things. All that is just fine, but much past that and I start to look for places to hide. Emotionally hide and even physically hide some times.
I've struggled with attachment issues before, but this feels so complicated and difficult to process through.
When my sweet little S was born I had a horrible detachment issue with him. I was so excited to finally be a mom that this emotion shocked me. I shamed myself for it and fought it tooth and nail those first few days in the hospital. I figured my not wanting to be with the baby had more to do with 36 hours of labor and 6 hours of solid pushing that exhausted me (At one point I actually sent all the medical staff out of the delivery room so I could rest for a bit -- it was that bad for me). Still that need for distance was there, it was real and I hated myself for it.
At another point, I had issues again with this same wonderful S. He was 11 and little D was just new born. The huge difference in size of these two children and both of them needing me emotionally and physically just about did me in. I remember not even being able to hug S. I felt so much shame. I still feel a lot of shame looking back on that, although I try harder to be kinder to myself and to give myself a bit of that grace I wrote about last time.
It is easy to blame my previous experiences on postpartum depression (and cut myself some slack). This current attachment problem has a different face to it, stemming more, I believe, from addiction and all the fallout of living with an addict all these years.
Attachment -- Detachment. Were these the same issue or two different and reasonably explainable ones?
What keeps happening to me that causes issues with connection? Why am I so troubled by it?
Is it a lack of trust? I'm not sure I can connect the issues with my babies to a trust concern. So maybe that isn't a good comparison.
This really bugs me though. Putting parts and pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle helps me to see what fits and what doesn't.
I should google this. I saw a girl in a commercial say that internet has all the answers. Right now I have none. (smirk)
As I come to accept what I am dealing with as psychological trauma, I see a great need to be gentle and patient with myself. I don't have to rush to repair or fix this. In fact, that is often the wrong approach.
Here's a great list of self-care recommendations:
- Physical Self-Care
Eat regularly (e.g. breakfast, lunch, dinner)
Eat healthily
Exercise
Get regular medical care for prevention
Get regular medical care when needed
Take time off when sick
Get massages
Dance, swim, walk, run, play sports, sing, or do some other physical activity that is fun
Take time to be sexual--with yourself, with a partner
Get enough sleep
Wear clothes you like
Take vacations
Take day trips or mini-vacations
Make time away from telephones
- Psychological Self-Care
Make time for self-reflection
Have your own personal psychotherapy
Write in a journal
Read literature that is unrelated to work
Do something at which you are not expert or in charge
Decrease stress in your life
Notice your inner experiences -- listen to your thoughts, judgments, beliefs, attitudes, and feelings
Let others know different aspects of you
Engage your intelligence in a new area, e.g., go to an art museum, history exhibit, sports event, auction, theater performance
Practice receiving from others
Be curious
Say no to extra responsibilities sometimes
Have your own personal psychotherapy
Write in a journal
Read literature that is unrelated to work
Do something at which you are not expert or in charge
Decrease stress in your life
Notice your inner experiences -- listen to your thoughts, judgments, beliefs, attitudes, and feelings
Let others know different aspects of you
Engage your intelligence in a new area, e.g., go to an art museum, history exhibit, sports event, auction, theater performance
Practice receiving from others
Be curious
Say no to extra responsibilities sometimes
- Emotional Self-Care
Spend time with others whose company you enjoy
Stay in contact with important people in your life
Give yourself affirmations, praise yourself
Find ways to increase your sense of self-esteem
Reread favorite books, re-view favorite movies
Identify comforting activities, objects, people, relationships, places, and seek them out
Allow yourself to cry
Find things to make you laugh
Express your outrage in social action, letters, donations, marches, protests
Play with children
- Spiritual Self-Care
Make time for reflection
Spend time with nature
Find a spiritual connection or community
Be open to inspiration
Cherish your optimism and hope
Be aware of nonmaterial aspects of life
Try at times not to be in charge or the expert
Be open to not knowing
Identify what is meaningful to you and notice its place in your life
Meditate
Pray
Sing
Spend time with children
Have experiences of awe
Contribute to causes in which you believe
Read inspirational literature (talks, music, etc.)
For me, different triggers and trauma reactions require different types of processing and self-care practices. I like lists when I'm too mired in the trauma to think it through. Mostly, I like that I have permission to take care of me. It isn't a natural thought process. This lists helps a lot when I forget to give myself that permission so that I can work through the trigger or trauma reaction.
I started this post talking about how pain changes you. I'm so down with that. I've felt it -- lived it. I know that this current pain and all these triggers will work themselves out one day. I know that I should be patient with myself (and pray that H finds patience too). I also know that recovery is a process that can take a lot of time and work. I've heard it explained in the "Shreck" way. You peel back layers and work each layer as it comes to you. Other times it can be more like a freight train that hits you broad side and you deal with that mess and chaos as it comes.
Today: Giving myself permission to accept this issue as a result of trauma.
Giving myself time to work it out. (Lots of time -- if necessary!)
I started this post talking about how pain changes you. I'm so down with that. I've felt it -- lived it. I know that this current pain and all these triggers will work themselves out one day. I know that I should be patient with myself (and pray that H finds patience too). I also know that recovery is a process that can take a lot of time and work. I've heard it explained in the "Shreck" way. You peel back layers and work each layer as it comes to you. Other times it can be more like a freight train that hits you broad side and you deal with that mess and chaos as it comes.
Today: Giving myself permission to accept this issue as a result of trauma.
Giving myself time to work it out. (Lots of time -- if necessary!)
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