A Good Long Talk

Talking over issues is not my thing.  Emotions are tricky to navigate.  And where H is concerned, he is often so disengaged that he hangs his head, closes his eyes and will take long periods of time, sometimes as much as ten minutes before responding.  We also suck at that type of communicating that involves repeating back what you think the other one has said (sounds so condescending when we do it).  After years of marriage though, we've had our fair share of discussions.  Many that ended with one or the other of us walking off.  Many that were hours long with children left to their own devices and a DVD for companionship.

Our talks look nothing like this:

And more like this:

Add is some addiction and cheating and you get more like this:

H is in a better place now, which means I need to learn to communicate differently than I did during the deep addiction days.

It isn't an easy process.  Trust has been damaged so severely I find it physically restraining to the point that I cannot compel myself to share certain pieces of information.  

Which is so sad.

I grew up thinking when I married I would have this one person who would listen to all my thoughts and feelings just like I would listen to his.  We'd be best friends.  We'd share everything.  

That did not happen for me.

The last few days we've had a couple of good talks (Gold star for us on the heels of the week prior.).  Good in that no one got mad and stormed off.  Good in that we tried to listen without blaming and shaming.  A difficult task considering the topic we often talk about.  

Sunday morning seems to be our window of opportunity to talk.  Yesterday was no exception.   D wasn't feeling well and wanted to stay home from church.  I couldn't miss the first hour,  I'm the music director.  H and I would split the 3 hour block so D wouldn't be home alone.   In order for me to be ok leaving her, I needed to have a serious chat about my concerns of him being the parent in charge.

The old adage "when the cat's away..." is the M.O. of my home once I leave H in charge (and I say 'in charge' very loosely).  Respect for rules go out the window once I'm not there to enforce them.  Out they fly with the warning 'don't tell Mom.'  Needless to say, I avoid leaving H home with the kids.  Yesterday, I was stuck.  Little D didn't feel well enough to manage being home alone.  

As typically happens on a Sunday morning, a window opened up for H and I to chat.  Taking the conversation carefully down the slippery slope, compromised by ego, guilt, shame, and even entitlement, I attempted to navigate the conversation explaining why I had the issues I had.  I repeated often that even though this is difficult to hear, my objective isn't to shame or criticize.  I wanted H to know why I felt unsafe and to find a path forward for different behaviors than were previously employed.  

Many of the points I made regarding respect for the Sabbath, mutual goals for internet safety and internet policy, especially on a Sunday fit in well to the general topic of being a connected and involved parent.  

I felt like the discussion went well.  No one raised their voice.  While we weren't necessarily emotionally connected, there was at least understanding and kindness. 

I've been reading a lot about communicating over the past few weeks.  I figure something may jog something loose inside me and help me work though what isn't working right.  

I came across a couple things worth noting (not necessarily new -- just worth paying attention to when I am trying to talk with H).

From:  www.powertochange.com

Experts believe communication can be divided into five levels:

1. Level of acquaintance
2. Sharing of information
3. Sharing of ideas
4. Sharing of emotions
5. Gut level sharing

Wives often want a husband who can just sit down and listen, someone who can completely appreciate her emotions and views (Level 5). Husbands typically want to reason, maybe even give a lecture (Level 3). In this kind of situation, the wives may sometimes feel that they are talking to a wall. Eventually, the wives may stop sharing many of their feelings and thoughts. Thus, it becomes necessary for couples to learn how to communicate effectively.

Handling confrontations is an art like dance. Here are some steps you can take to master the dance of communication:

1. Never use the silent treatment.
2. Never use lies to cover up short comings.
3. Don’t get in-laws or friends involved right away.
4. Don’t be subjective in making any conclusions.
5. Never jump into conclusions, communicate and talk it over.
6. Discuss what actually happened, don’t judge.
7. Find out all the facts rather than start guessing at the motives.
8. Learn to understand each other, not to defeat each other.
9. Use future and present tense talking, not past tense.
10. Concentrate on the major problem, don’t divide attention by mixing in other minor problems.
11. First take care of the problems that hurt feelings in the relationship, then take care the problems arising from just differences in opinions.
12. Use “I feel” statements, don’t use “you are” statements.

And then something on the humorous side:  The Tale of Two Brains by Mark Gungor
It isn't really about how to communicate, but more about why we are so different in our communication. 

Check out his youtube here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxtUH_bHBxs


I totally accept that marriage is a bit of a  --

And marriage with an addict is more like --

And navigating the communication road of recovery looks (and feels) a lot like --

Still.....it is good to at least have a few chats that don't end up  --

It is nice to have a week where there is hope.