Labels

I don't have a lot of memory from my childhood.  I'm not sure why.  I've asked several therapists about it.  We've discussed options for raising some of those memories, but the fear of pain keeps me from going that deep.

The other night, during a talk H and I were having, I  had a memory come up from my buried and stuffed away past.  One given to me painfully by my dad.  I remembered my dad often calling me a 'quitter'.  His complaint was that I never finished anything.  I couldn't go back in my mind to find any evidence as to why my dad said that to me when I was a kid, but as H and I were talking,  I remembered the pain of that label.  I can see how that feeling, even though really buried, hurt and injured my choices as an adult.  (Maybe even causing me difficulty being able to end a really bad marriage.   But that's a different blog post than the one I'm working on today.)

The night I had this memory rush, H and I were talking about 'labels.'  H feels labeled all the time.  I realize that labels are destructive.  My memory is enough to make it a personal experience with the negative results of labeling people.

My position was more of an approach I learned years ago from Dr. Phil (Don't guffaw at me here -- he wasn't that bad in the beginning before he was after all the ratings.)  In his Life Strategies book he made this statement; "It all comes back to the life law statement, "You've got to name it before you can claim it." 

I aligned with that thought process.  It doesn't help you resolve issues you are in denial about.  I'm not attempting to call H out with disparaging words.  I'm attempting to find a solution to a problem we are struggling to own or name.
H is struggling with his with this label "addict". 

Ten counseling sessions later (with a CSAT).  
After finishing Out of the Shadows  by Patrick Carnes
After printing off and working through part of the Healing Through Christ manual.

And no matter how many times I asked him why he's done: 
 A....
 B....
 C....
  and
 D...


So I agreed to let go of the 'label' as he sees it and ask him for some suggestions on what approach we could take to help work through everything that has happened over the past 25 years.  What kind of therapy or medication or ??? could we use to help us recover?  

H maintains that he has an anger addiction.   We discussed medication.

I reminded him of some instruction we received from a previous therapist about anger.  People can be addicted to anger.

"The biochemicals secreted in the brain during the experience of anger — most notably the hor­mone, epinephrine and the neuro­transmitter, norepinephrine — are experienced much like an amphetamine and an analgesic. They give a surge of energy while they numb pain."


Anger is addictive...

But what about all the sexual encounters?
What about all the craigslist searches?
What about all the profiles on hook up sites?
What about all the sexting texts?
The porn?
The lies you told the women about your divorce...the lies you told me about never cheating...the blame-shifting/gaslighting accusations that I was the one having affairs and cheating....

Dead silence.........

Gah!  This is so hard.

I don't want to shame H.  Or be constantly reminding him of all his crimes.   Owning is a huge part of recovery, of repentance, of healing.  

After 25 years of all of this behavior, I feel we need to know what this is we are dealing with. 



Through the owning of our stories that do not shed the best light on us we still can recognize our value, and also the need to be and do better.   

If we lie to ourselves we block the pathways we need to be better.


Last night H attended his first local ARP meeting.  It must have gone well, because he came home in much different spirits than the worried and despairing one he left the house with.  

He told me, when he got back home,  that he'd shared his story and also the issues that he has with his sex addict label during the sharing portion of the meeting.  (I so love 12-step meetings.  Such an awesome feeling to be in a place where you aren't judged and you can share openly and safely.  I'm glad H went and was able have this experience.)  The group leader asked H to stay behind after the meeting.  

The GL talked about what it would be like to have serious open wound.  A wound that a doctor had given directions and medications to treat.  You wouldn't leave the wound alone or ignore it altogether.  And,  you wouldn't really care what the wound was really called (the knowledge is ok, but it doesn't change the need for treatment).   
  
I think H got it.

We'll likely still have the label discussion from time to time.  That's ok.  Each time we talk we get some progress out of it.