I get up every day shower, do my hair, make my bed. I've put up my Christmas tree. I keep trying to be normal, but then I turn a corner and run smack dab into a trigger that proves I am anything but.
I had to go to the mall yesterday to get a new charger adapter for my laptop. It was all I could do not to run screaming from that place. All I could see was couples, shopping, enjoying the day, holding hands. All I could remember was the last time I was there -- I was doing the same thing with my husband.
I couldn't make myself get to church today. Just the idea of sitting there hearing member after member get up and talk about how grateful they are for their temple marriage and how much they love their wife and family. It can't remember ever hearing my husband say that from the pulpit.
I feel the loss of a marriage so fiercely right now. So many things my husband used to do for me that I am now having to do myself. Last week I went to the lumber store and purchased drywall and 2x4's so that my bishop could build me a wall in my basement. I rented the truck and hauled it to my house and then took the truck back. I wonder though, who is going to change the light bulb that burns out up in the vaulted stairway. I'll never be able to reach that.
In a week moment one day I checked out an LDS singles dating site for old folks and wondered if it was going to be even remotely possible to find a man who is covenant keeping and wants to be my eternal companion. Then you have all that 'yours' and 'mine' to deal with too.
Right now I can't even afford to file for divorce -- which sucks totally. I sit in my house being a covenanted married spouse while my husband goes off on his online escapades meeting new people.
Right now I want to hide under the pile of clothes I haven't hung up yet in my closet and just wait till this all passes by me. Time never passes quickly when you are grieving.
In the past two years I have sustained incredible loss; both my parents, 29 days apart. I lost my business when I went home to help with family issues. That same year, I lost my husband to other women. I dug in and tried so hard the past two years to get him back. I just never have. He has continued to look for something else in his online searches that I do not offer him.
I don't want to wear the facade right now. Pretending to fit in and be normal. I don't feel anything like normal right now. I don't know when I will, but for now, at least, I am giving myself permission to hurt, cry, and complain about what was taken from me that I counted on for so long. I hurt. Those feelings are real. This time, I'm not going to stuff them!
No comments:
Post a Comment