I Deserve and I'm Done!

In my life, married to a liar and a adulterer, I have visited these terms on numerous occasions.  Recently, in my recovery, I begin taking a long hard look at what they really mean.

Let's start with the first one; Deserve

de·serve

dəˈzərv/

verb:  do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment)

1. 
   
   

   synonyms:

   merit, earn, warrant, rate, justify, be worthy of, be entitled to, have a right to, be qualified well-earned, merited, warranted, justified, justifiable; rightful, due, right, just, fair, fitting, appropriate, suitable, proper, apt, meet

   Many of the words in that list could fit the particular emotion I am trying to identify.  For example;

   
   

   "I merit a worthy husband.''

   "I am entitled to a worthy husband.'

   "I have qualified to merit a worthy husband.'

   
   

   Or these notions:

   
   

   "It just isn't fair that my husband won't honor his covenants so that I can have a worthy companion."

   "His behavior has not been appropriate, therefore, I can do whatever I feel is right for me."

   
   

   Do you see where I'm headed here?

   
   

   I'm not sure where in the scriptures it teaches that when we finish our young women program, go on to "The Y", secure us a handsome RM, get sealed in the temple we'll live happily ever after --- because we 'deserve it.'

   
   

   In fact, I'm pretty sure that is contrary to God's plan.  I believe we came to earth to be tested and it is through enduring trials (some times huge, seemingly unbearable and endless trials) will be given the reward.  Not the reward we deserve, or the reward we earned, but the reward given to us by the grace and mercy of a loving Heavenly Father and because of the Atonement of His Son, our brother, Jesus Christ.

   
   

   Which brings me to the other piece of this post -- the term 'I'm Done!"

   
   

   I want to state, right from the very beginning that I am and will be forever grateful that my Savior did not say, "I'm Done!"  or "I Quit" while suffering in the Garden. These words were never His;  "This is too hard, too painful, the people are sinners, they won't listen, they are prideful, hard hearted,"  "They are lustful, deceitful, adulterous!."  "It's not worth it!"

   
   

   I am ever so grateful he finished the assignment that was his mission to fulfill so that as we are down here on earth trying so desperately to finish ours -- his sacrifice will be worth it for each of us.

   
   

   So, what makes a person (a wife) say I'm done?  For me it was all the lies, the crazy chaos I lived with.  The constant upheaval.  Dishonor.  Deception.  Years of it.  I spent years saying those words too.  Then eating them.  I'd spew them in fits of anger or hurt.  I'd say them at the point of despair hoping it would rock my husband back to his senses.  It never did of course, and each time I felt horrible for saying them.

   
   

   I made covenants with the Lord -- and this man.  For some reason, the Lord has chosen to train and teach me through this particular path of tests and trials.  If I quit -- what do I gain?  What will my family gain?  What example do I show to my children when I express that idea of "I'm done!"  If I quit, what do I learn about my personal strength and faith?

   
   

   Before you start throwing things at me, I do realize there are circumstances that warrant quitting, or removing yourself from a situation that is unsafe.  I believe, as in my case currently there may be times when taking a break is warranted.  
   
   Next time, though, before the "I deserve" starts flying and the "I'm done" get's flung -- be sure you know what you mean and where that emotion comes from.  It is easy to get caught up in what I like to call "The Fairness Trap" where we evaluate everything that happens to us based on our idea of what is fair.  We holler out and whine and complain about the injustices of the world, like a child who didn't get the toy he wanted, without considering if what we are experiencing is for the growth of our spouse (or family member) or for our own personal growth.  
   
   What is it we deserve?  
   
   When are we truly done?
   
   It is something to ponder.