Christmas Letters

This is the first year in 24 years that I won't be writing a Christmas letter to my husband.  I have sad feelings deep in my soul thinking about this.  I used to love writing these letters.  Each Christmas Eve, in the process of wrapping gifts and getting things ready for Christmas morning, I'd stop and spill my heart out on the note I'd stick in the tree for the man of my life.

I remember watching my dad write his Christmas letter to my mom.  I remember watching mom read the letter Christmas morning.  She'd step away from the chaos -- but not to far from dad.  Tears would stream down her face.  It was a tender moment that I looked forward to each year.  I'm pretty sure my notes didn't have that affect on my husband -- but they were important to me -- so I wrote them.

The truth is, this year there just isn't anything to say to him right now.  The separation has strained our already weak relationship.  Issues have come up that have damaged my trust in him even further.   To make matters worse,  isn't looking like we'll even be celebrating this holiday together either.  

This year, it is all I can do not to crawl in my bed, pull up the covers and wait until all this Christmas stuff passes.  Children and grandchildren prevent me from giving in to this pull at my soul.   I hide my tears when they come and turn the Christmas music up louder to block out my thoughts until the wave of pain passes.

I'm going to give myself permission to be sad and to mourn the loss of a marriage and of memories that will no longer be created.