Broken Dreams

Unpacking boxes today.
Putting things away in my beautiful new home.
A home that was the realization of both our dreams.
For years.

Unpacking boxes today.
Putting away the possessions that have made our house home.
For years.

Unpacking boxes today.
Alone.

We're not going to be able to work through the pain of the deception and infidelities.  It's too much for him to bear, he says.  To carry my pain is too heavy a load.  It can't be all about me, he said.  And yet, he won't quit.  He won't give up the sex sites, dating sites, porn, the infidelity.  That is too much for me to bear.  He won't quit lying -- which hurts so much.

It feels like me against him right now.  I don't like how that feels.  I don't like it because for so many years I gave in to his way.  I closed my eyes, looked away from my pain and kept trying to avoid divorce.  I'm not used to standing my ground or validating and honoring what is right and wrong for me.  I'm not used to it so I struggle now standing firm.

For so many years I hurt when he was gone.  The loneliness or longing for him crushed me.  Tonight the loneliness is there -- just different.  Tonight I'm sad that we are at this standoff with no way in site to break through to a better place.

Maybe I cannot hear his pain.  Maybe after so many years of lies and cheating I can't trust.  I have spent the last two years trying so hard to love him and look the other way.  Still every once in a while the wave of remembrance washed over me and consumed me.  I'd try to talk.  I'd try to share what the affairs and deception had done to me.  He wouldn't listen.  He blamed me for not forgiving him.  He accused me of never being able to get past it.  He shut down -- for days.

Today as I unpack the belongings that have made our house a home for so many years, I do so alone.  I know he's not moving back in.  I know he won't be here to celebrate the fast approaching holidays.  I know he's going to be alone.  The kids will be with me, food will be on our table, and even though I will be physically surrounded by loved ones, my heart will be heavy and hurting.  I'm pretty sure my mind will be wandering all over the past 25 years of holiday memories.  I'm pretty sure I'll be fighting the impulse to call -- or ignoring the phone if he calls.  I'm pretty sure I'm about to experience the first of  sad and lonely holidays.

Dreams are broken.  Prayers said over and over seem to be bouncing off heaven as the course of life takes a drastic shift for me.  There will still be many forced smiles and pretending.  Only this time, I'll pretend I'm well alone instead of well married.

Broken dreams hurt.