"A Church Leader shared this story with the congregation. He told about a time that he, the husband, caused a pretty bad car accident with his wife in the car. He was speeding on a major freeway---and even though she'd tried to get him to slow down, he chose not to. The car accident he caused -- going too fast and didn't have enough room to stop, totaled their car, and they had some whiplash, but luckily--no one was hurt. Well--he noticed that after the accident, whenever he was in the car with his wife, that she started displaying certain behaviors. If he started to speed a little, she would put her hand near his. If we went about 5-10 over the speed limit, she would grab his arm. If he sped more than that, she would literally put her foot on the dashboard, with a look of complete fear on her face. At first, as he said "cause he was younger and less wise", he thought it was because she had not forgiven him for causing the accident. But, after some time and prayer, he realized that HE had made a choice that had endangered the life of his wife, and that as children of God, we have every right to protect ourselves from being hurt again. This has NOTHING to do with forgiveness---but with our innate nature to protect ourselves, and those who need protection, from harm. As a loving husband, HE realized that he had to change his behavior if he wanted her protective instincts to not naturally appear."
This story resonates so strongly with me. Every time H comes home from work, or whenever he gets physically to close to where I am, I find myself mentally bracing myself.
This is trauma.
This study on trauma had this to say:
Wives of sexual addicts experience distressing symptoms in response
to the disclosure of their husbands’ compulsive sexual behaviors and
often describe the disclosure event as traumatic. The results of this
study suggest that a majority of wives of sexual addicts respond to
disclosure with significant trauma-related distress. The data also
reveal that years married at the time of disclosure and number
of previous traumatic event exposures best predicted total trauma
symptom severity scores. The study concluded with a discussion of
the benefits of using a trauma model to understand and treat wives
of sexual addicts following disclosure.
In the same article: "researchers such as Bergner and Bridges (2002) and Milrad (1999) state that many partners of sexual addicts display symptoms consistent with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in response to the discovery of sexual acting out in their partners.."
I can find article after blog post after website validating the reality of this type of trauma. The difficulty for me -- is getting past it.
The trauma responses I am experiencing are consistent, in spite of years of step work and recovery effort, and in spite of H's efforts.
I feel hopeless. Like I can't seem to shake this off. No matter how much I try. Any small interaction with H in close proximity sends me physically running. I can feel the trauma physically. Nerve endings in my body start to over-react. My skin itches.
And this is so hard to explain to people.
In the same article: "researchers such as Bergner and Bridges (2002) and Milrad (1999) state that many partners of sexual addicts display symptoms consistent with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in response to the discovery of sexual acting out in their partners.."
I can find article after blog post after website validating the reality of this type of trauma. The difficulty for me -- is getting past it.
The trauma responses I am experiencing are consistent, in spite of years of step work and recovery effort, and in spite of H's efforts.
I feel hopeless. Like I can't seem to shake this off. No matter how much I try. Any small interaction with H in close proximity sends me physically running. I can feel the trauma physically. Nerve endings in my body start to over-react. My skin itches.
And this is so hard to explain to people.
How do you read my mind ? ! How do you do that ? It IS SO HARD to explain . I stumble even trying to explain to counselors .
ReplyDeleteThank you for validating my feelings . I am SO sorry and sad you are feeling this trauma yet again . You are not alone , and God is very very sad for you .
this is dead on. DEAD ON. wouldn't it be awesome if there was a similar talk at conference this weekend about trauma?
ReplyDeleteYou have explained this so well! Thank you for your courage in sharing such a difficult part of this journey!
ReplyDeleteHi, I just found your blog tonight. I realize I'm a little late to the party on this post. I've been through all of this too. My disclosure letter after 7 years of straight up lies was in 2013 and I'm still recovering. The PTSD symptoms and triggers are rampant, but are becoming such a part of every day life that they are more like flies in my kitchen in the summer... annoying and angering, but with a flyswatter and a little time it becomes almost therapeutic to see each dead fly fall. One thing I learned a while back is that there was no punishment I could come up with that would cover this level of injustice. I could conceive of sending him to the burning depths of hell and still not get any satisfaction or complete retribution for what he's put me through. So on that day I realized that fact I handed his punishment over to God with the knowledge and faith that He would see justice done. That small act of "vengeance" as I sometimes call it - leaving his punishment up to our Creator and taking a smug step back was my initial slide into recovery. Some call it the peace of forgiveness... and it is amazing how much it dulls the pain. My addict continues to add to his 'disclosure letter' by the week since that night over 2 years ago, but his actions have become no more of a nuisance than the flies in my kitchen. Even if it means his sins are forgiven through re-baptism and he's washed clean. You are welcome to visit my blog for more insite on this. I know I'll be back to visit here if that's ok.
ReplyDelete