Then there is the belief that God can rescue the most broken soul and make them whole again.
H has changed, in some areas, however, this one particular piece, this behavior, this attitude, this cycle -- this one drives me nuts -- and it is not changing the way I would like to see.
I'm weary of the cycle. Pieces of me feel (maybe wrongly) that after all H has put me through I shouldn't have to deal with his pouting, sulking, blame-shifting, or anything else. Seeing those behaviors feels contrary to the sorrow I would hope to see and feel for what he's done. It comes across as though H is the victim. It is like if he has to be nice then he can't feel sorry for himself and all his poor life choices. All the ugliness won't just sweep itself under the rug so he never has to look at it (a very sought after hope of H's).
I'm struggling with this:
"Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behaviour, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).
A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive". (http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk)
I spent the weekend dealing with this.
While H was gone in March I picked up a little job to give me something to do and help bring in a bit of extra money. Part of this job involves vending at different shows and events on Fridays and Saturdays. We had one of those shows this weekend. H planned to come along to spend the day together.
It didn't quite work out that way. H was bored. H sat in the chair, hung his head, bored and pouting. It's a bit off-putting to potential customers to see someone like that behind the booth. I really tried in a nice way to encourage H to just relax and try to enjoy being together. I got more sulking.
I did not enjoy the weekend with him at all. Several times, in fact, I wished I could send him to his car so that I didn't have to look over at him and see his head down and his bored look. (Is it just my husband that acts like a child? )
Passive-aggressive behavior is a form of emotional abuse. (AND) It pushes buttons for me, making it really difficult to keep myself in check. I know it won't help H resolve his inner issues so that he can make more positive connections with me (or the family) if I call him out on it. Honestly, I'm struggling here. I'm struggling with the cycle and no solution or resolution.
I copied this list (found on the same site listed above) to send to H. I have another show this weekend. I'm hoping for a more positive experience at my next show. Part of H's passive-aggressive behavior is evidence in "not getting" what these behaviors really look like and what causes them (living in ignorance is a huge piece of H's PA behaviors). I'm hoping this list illuminates a few things, opening up an opportunity for dialogue and repair.
Some examples of passive aggression might be: (from http://www.counselling-directory.ort.uk)
Non-Communication when there is clearly something problematic to discuss
Avoiding/Ignoring when you are so angry that you feel you cannot speak calmly
Evading problems and issues, burying an angry head in the sand
Procrastinating intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones
Obstructing deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change
Fear of Competition Avoiding situations where one party will be seen as better at something
Ambiguity Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations
Sulking Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy.
Chronic Lateness A way to put you in control over others and their expectations
Chronic Forgetting Shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for others to punish in some way
Fear of Intimacy Often there can be trust issues with passive aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the relationship
Making Excuses Always coming up with reasons for not doing things
Victimisation Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one
Self-Pity the poor me scenario
Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.
Withholding usual behaviours or roles for example sex, cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party
Learned Helplessness where a person continually acts like they can’t help themselves – deliberately doing a poor job of something for which they are often explicitly responsible
I'm thinking this is a good topic for today's counseling session.
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