Hello Grief, My Old Friend!

"There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms."  Charlotte Brontë






I wish I had one of these about 6 trillion times ten years ago.  
I wish I had a place to hang my pain out where every one could see. 

Instead, I hid me. 

My husband couldn't deal with it and told everyone around me -- even at church -- to just leave me alone.  


I wondered why no one ever asked why I was never at church.  

Or why I wouldn't take a calling or stay in Relief Society.  


Grief -- and baby loss are just way too familiar to me.



Now this grief isn't about me. 
And this is a whole new kind of pain.




"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it."  Arthur Golden

I didn't realize there was a ribbon for miscarriage. 

Its the same for stillbirth too.










Grief is all around me now.
In so many different forms and coming from so many different sized people.

It comes out of everyone differently.
While that is happening, I'm wondering where to put mine.


“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” 
― William Shakespeare, Macbeth



7 days ago I was worried about the last assignments due for that week of school. 
It was week 1 (actually it was the second week, but they call that the introduction and begin with number 1 the second week).

I worried about when the baby would come and how to manage two toddlers, my homeschooler, and two parents that know how to take advantage of their parent-free time (Don't rail on me here for saying this -- it is honest truth no matter how much I adore my little imps).

I know I'm lucky to have them all the time. 
I never have to share time with other grands.



7 days ago seems like someone else's life today.


Today some one I didn't know I loved -- is gone. 

I thought my heart might break in that moment.
Such a familiar pain.
One that belonged only to me just ten years earlier.
And yet, your child loosing a child feels worse.








Today, I am not the same as I was a week ago.
Birth
and death
have altered me.




Grief - oh how well I know you -- 

Grief is a response to loss.  Grief is the emotion you feel when something or someone is taken from you.  The more emotionally involved you are the more significant the grief/loss can be.  Everyone experiences grief differentlyGrief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one—which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief—but any loss can cause grief, including:

Divorce or relationship breakup Loss of health Losing a job Loss of financial stability A miscarriage Retirement

Death of a pet Loss of a cherished dream A loved one’s serious illness Loss of a friendship Loss of safety after a trauma Selling the family home

The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or retiring from a career you loved.

Consider the lilies of the field, How they grow, how they grow. 
Consider the birds in the sky, How they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky. 
And He will feed those who trust Him, And guide them with His eye.




Now this will be a piece of my life