Running Out of Time

It has been difficult for me to come back here to organize my thoughts and feelings into words.  The past few weeks have been not been good weeks.

After the disclosure letter issue, H and I had a 'discussion' about the process of a disclosure.  As I was sharing my side of what happened and what I would have liked to experience, H determined he would not say another word or answer any of my questions (as he previously agreed) without a mediator.

As it ended up, if I couldn't find an agreed upon therapist, experienced in SA disclosure and LDS, by H's year mark, we would separate.

Time continues to pass without success.

For H, as usual, the issue is over (at least until the next one flares up).  Swept under the rug with all the other issues. 
  
       ---quite a mountain of painful issues piles up under that rug----

The more time that passes away since this discussion the less the issue matters.



Resources are limited here. I was hoping to find a local therapist that we can meet with regularly.  I know others use a Skype option successfully.  For me, it seems that buried pile of pain needs someone local to help sort it all out.  

I am in no way expecting, in this past year's time, we would have resolved all our issues and completed recovery.  I was hoping though, that H's efforts at recovery would bring less anger and more peace to our marriage and home.




Last week at church, I taught a lesson in our women's meeting on repentance.  The following quotes are the basis for the questions I have with what is happening with H:

1. ...repentance involves not just a change of actions, but a change of heart.

2.  Therefore, repentance means more than simply a reformation of behavior. Many men and women in the world demonstrate great willpower and self-discipline in overcoming bad habits and the weaknesses of the flesh. Yet at the same time they give no thought to the Master, sometimes even openly rejecting Him. Such changes of behavior, even if in a positive direction, do not constitute true repentance.

3.  It is not uncommon to find men and women in the world who feel remorse for the things they do wrong. Sometimes this is because their actions cause them or loved ones great sorrow and misery. Sometimes their sorrow is caused because they are caught and punished for their actions. Such worldly feelings do not constitute “godly sorrow.”


As I pondered upon these principles, not in a critically judgmental way, but in a righteous judging way, I feel that I should see change in H in a way that reflects these principles.  


In a General Conference in October 2009 by Elder Neil L. Andersen. He spoke of repentance with these words: "For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream."

^{I understand how difficult this is for H, as well as for me.}

Still, I wonder,  should there be some peace in the journey?  
Why is there still so much anger?  
Why don't I feel hope?


I was reading a friend's blog the other day and came across this question in a post she wrote a year or so ago, that I wish I had seen then.  The question is this:  - If I stay, am I prepared for my husband to possibly treat me and my kids worse considering addiction is a progressive disease?

This is the question that continues to plague me as I round out this trial year.