At all!
What happened instead was something entirely different. Something painful. Something no young girl is ever prepared for as she grows up in the church planning this big life event. No Young Women adviser ever taught a lesson on how to deal with lies or cheating. Some young wives need to know that. Some wives even need to know about addiction (that dirty little word we don't like to say in meetings on Sunday).
I did have many other beautiful lessons. I would never discount the wonderful program girls in the church are provided. The leaders are amazing women. Likely some of them going through all those things that you never talk about in class.
I survived anyway, without that specific training for the particular trials of my marriage.
"For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward." D&C 58:26
We are not commanded in all things because of the gift of agency we were given. Agency to choose for ourselves. Agency even to learn for ourselves so that we can make wise choices. Or not. Some people we love dearly make choices that cause us tremendous pain.
What happens to a girl who sat in those classes learning all those beautiful lessons and trying to prepare herself to be worthy to have this dream come true -- and it doesn't? A lot of things happen. Struggle, growth, pain, loneliness and isolation, small victories, big failures happen on that roller coaster of life.
So what's the big deal? Most marriages are like that. No two people are so compatible that there are a few riffs in their marriage relationship.
It is a big deal to be lied to for 25 years.
It is a big deal to be cheated on over and over either with a person or with the internet or pictures.
It is a big deal when infidelity and addiction are part of the challenges of marriage.
Now, after those 25 years, this is a big deal too...
He's working recovery.
He's going to church.
He's trying.
He listens better when you say that hurts or that sounds like addict talk.
He's aware of triggers.
Now, I'm the one who gets to choose
I'm struggling though in my choosing.
I struggle to believe after all the lies, after all the anger, and all the pain.
"All that has come into our lives was designed to prepare us to become who we are and to help us learn the lessons we came here to learn. There is a purpose for and a gift from each relationship, even the most painful relationship." Healing Through Christ, p75 Step 8
My relationship with H has been a painful one, for him and for me. Each of us bringing hurt and pain into the life that was supposed to be full of love and happiness.
As H has struggled with addiction, anger, deception, I've struggled with my own anger at all the lies and deception. I've struggled to love someone who doesn't love in return. I've struggled to not hold resentment, even if I've said I've forgiven him.
Now, I struggle to believe.
I struggle with how to feel about the behavior I see now (and really have yearned for all these many years). I struggle with the fear of opening up and being real with him again.
Today, in group, these words stood out to me; "Forgiveness, right relationships and peace begin inside us."
I believe this. I know this is a true principle. What I need to do is center myself in this truth so that as I try to work through the confusion it will be the peace that grounds and centers me. It will be what helps me believe the changes H is making are real.
This is no small feat. For years, I believe H. I believe him, until evidence proved otherwise. When that happened my world crashed around me into tiny pieces. Pieces that couldn't be put back together.
And it happened over and over.
Just when I thought things were improving. Just when I was starting to believe. I'd come across something that would set in motion the explosion of my little world. All that would be left are tiny pieces impossible to reassemble.
How do I believe him now? I didn't know truth from fiction most of my 25 year marriage.
The answer: Evidence.
Matthew 7:20 'Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.'
My goals this week:
* Learn to ground myself in peace.
Keep an eye on real evidence.
Trust that you'll be warned, like you were all the other times before if its not safe to trust.
* Trust in all the wisdom you've gained over the past year of therapy.
* Don't force this.
You'll know when its safe enough to be vulnerable.
For now, you can still live whole-hearted and true -- even if it is on a cautious side.
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