Processing Trauma

I suck at this right now.  I'm hurt and angry, yet I'm expected to act kind and loving when those are not the emotions I feel at present.

Marilyn Tenney said this at today's Togetherness Conference held in Phoenix, Arizona; " Relational Trauma overwhelms the coping strategies and can define the relationship as a source of danger rather than a safe haven in times of stress.  Because we are wired to connect with others, the closer the person who hurts us, the more traumatic the experience."

I've mentioned betrayal trauma as a PTSD-like condition.  PTSD defined is, a condition created by exposure to a psychologically distressing event outside the range of usual human experience, one which would be markedly distressing to almost everyone, and which causes intense fear, terror, and helplessness.

Yeah, I've got that.

Right now, there has to be a way to balance the emotions.  A method I can apply to feel the emotions of the recent disclosure and while not diminishing the pain still be present emotionally for H.

Easier said than done.

I spoke with the stake president this past week in conjunction with H's church disciplinary council.  He mentioned that I might have  'some difficulty' dealing with the issues H has brought into the marriage.

Some?

Did he really listen to ALL  of H's disclosure?

This week in group we worked on part of step 2.  Some of my take-aways that I'm using to help me process this current disclosure are:

1.  Adversity does not happen to us, it happens for us.
2.  We can become whole throughout Christ even if we currently feel broken
3. Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord.
4.  "Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us" Elder Uchdorf
5.  Gratitude diminishes the power of the problem
6.  When He says to the poor in spirit, "come unto me, ' He means He know s the way out and He knows the way up.


I really need to work through that #3.  If that holds any truth for me, that I'm suffering 'needlessly' then I have to figure out how to give more of this to the Lord.  Why put myself through more suffering that I need to when I hold a key to prevention?

I'm challenged though.  All of the focus from locals who know is directed towards H.  He's a returning 'lost soul.'  He needs them to reach out to him and help catch him, save him, point him back on the path.  While I don't want to minimize the great need for this.  It does leave me in a forgotten place.

Even the SP didn't bother to ask if I was ok.  Just told me if I have difficulty with any of it to read and pray more.    (insert little snicker here  -- but please don't take that wrong.  I know the scriptures are a valuable resource.  They just are not the only part of good betrayal trauma healing.)

Tomorrow is our big day, or at least H's.  I'm thinking this is a lot why I stink at not letting go and letting God.  The end result of the disciplinary council will have a big effect on our lives.   I need to trust in who holds the future and who knows what both H and I need to grow and become who God wants us to be.

I know its ok for me to struggle with this.  I don't have to be good at it -- I just have to keep trying.  Once foot in front of the other every day.