Moving On!

I'm in the process of a big change.  For the first time in my married life I am at peace with it -- anxious for it even.  It surprises me to feel this free.  For many years I've tried to come to this point and have failed miserably.   Its difficult to separate.  Worse to divorce.  Bad stigma associations, failure fears, judgements, I could go on and on with reasons not to do it.  Then there is that odd issue of missing my husband when he isn't around and forgetting the fact that when he is there is this whole crazy emotionally dysfunctional thing that happens between us when he's there. (This issue is a whole blog post of it's own)

I see the path before me but my husband isn't quite on board with the path.  This is causing me conflict in reaching my goal.  We made this decision together several weeks ago.  We've been making joint decisions in that direction.  Now that we are at execution point I am beginning to see him struggling with the decision.

I need to confront this head on before we get further mired in the confusion.  I'm not good at confronting him.  I've spent years just being quiet and doing whatever he wanted.  Sticking up for myself is challenging me.   I'm working on it though.  As I continue to pack and separate I'm formulating my approach.  I don't want hurt.  I don't want pointing fingers or criticizing.  I want him to know that I love him,  I worry about him and pray for him, but I am not second in all of that charity.  I love me (I know that I am valuable).  I care and worry and pray for me, for my peace of mind, for peace in my heart and in my home.  And if -- my husband wanted to work towards that same goal we would never be needing to have this separation.

While I work on this speech formulation I keep asking myself, am I being selfish?  Is taking care of me, for once in my life, selfish?  Is setting boundaries selfish?  I worry about selfishness.  I am constantly evaluating this issue because of all the gospel principles on pride.   I have listened and studied so many talks and Ensign articles on marriage.  The common thread on marriages that don't work is pride and selfishness.  Is my situation different some how?

I'm not sure -- and wonder if I ever will be.  What I do know, and what I hang all of my decisions and indecision on is -- marriage is a partnership.  Temple marriage is a covenanted partnership.  Partnerships require the effort of all parties to be successful   For at least the past two years I have tried to carry the whole load on my own.  I have asked for help and received silence.   I am taking that silence as permission for me to make my own choice.  I am stepping out into this dark unknown on my own and pray the answers and the validation will come as I continue to seek the Lord's will as I travel this path.