A Plan for Healing

I was going back through my "Recovery Binder" last night, looking at the materials I've collected from my classes and journal notes. On one hand, it felt good to see how well I was doing. On the other, I see the stuffing and the numbing are still my go-to.

27 years of behavior is hard to change.

Then I remembered a book a friend recently talked about. Something she said prompted me to investigate the book a little more. (I like any excuse to buy another recovery book.)  It was something in the way she described what she was reading that connected wih some other thoughts I've been having on healing. I wondered if it would help me with some stuck things I am trying to work through.

I ordered it -- and then downloaded the kindle version because I couldn't wait.  On one of the first few pages it said, "It takes tremendous energy to keep functioning while carrying the memory of terror".

I almost shouted YES!!! out loud in my bed last night as I was reading those words.

I read them again, and again.

(Disclaimer, I'll be referencing this book a little more later in some other posts and will link back to this with the proper credits.)



I thought about all the energy it takes a body, my body, to hold in all the trauma, the lies, the losses, the blaming, the gaslighting and every other crazy thing that an addict wife lives with every day -- sometimes multiple times a day.

It takes energy every Sunday to get up and put on my "church face" and pretend everything is ok. It takes energy to just go to the store some days because hiding from the world means I don't really know what I am missing out there too. It takes energy to just breathe some days. Doing lanudry or sweeping floors can also be the catalist for some flood of undesireable memory.

Because it is trauma.

Trauma has that affect on the mind and on the body. The brain is wired to help the body survive. All these trauma reactions that happen are just the brain doing it job.

I want to teach my brain a different response. I want to teach it peace. I want to re-wire my brain to relax instead of spool up every time these thoughts and fears come flying in unwanted and uninvited.

I remember studying last semester in my psych class how the brain responds to repatitive thought. As I was studying it, I kept thinking, "Yes! This is exaclty what happens after a trauma." I remember feeling relieved as I realized, "Hey, you're normal! Your brain is supposed to work this way."  Trauma has a way of making me feel anything but normal. 



Several years ago a dear friend broke her leg. The break was horrible. It required several pins, a rod down through the femor and tremendous physical therapy sessions.  It was her right leg. So she learned to drive with her left (Odd -- but she's a very independent woman..much like many of us who learn to deal with trauma alone.) I remember going to the hospital to see her and the response I had as I visually saw the effect of the break and the pain she was in. I had to excuse myself for a moment and catch my breath before I could go back in the hospital room to sit with her.

What I really remember about this experience with this friend, was the amount of effort it took to heal from that break. Physical energy, emotional energy. There was trauma to the leg and bone and to my friend.  Once all the exterior evidence of the trauma was removed, there was still internal pain. Trauma the eye could not see. The bone took over a year to heal. Then the rod was surgically removed and more healing was required. Years later, she still talks about the sensations and struggles she continues to experience because of that break.




What helps this (My brain isn't broken like my addict husband, but it is damaged from trauma)

and this....











                                                                                   (my heart is definitely broken)




Therapy helps, 12-step groups help, reading recovery books help, and even removing yourself from the situation (if necessary) helps, getting a contact circle or a sponsor also helps.

Time helps.

Work helps.

In one of  the 12-step groups I attend,  there is a line in the script that reads, "Keep coming back -- it works when we work it!"

I've heard that line countless times, but this week, as I am pondering the next direction on my healing path, I'm seeing this differently.

Work it!


Besides that list above, I'm taking charge of my losses in my mind.  My head is going to take me a bit longer -- its more work to get through all the muck lodged up in that head of mine. I'm doing what I can physically while I work on what I can mentally and emotionally. Aside from focused therapy (starting EDMR) --

I am taking charge of my losses. It is going to be a while before I can make the physical move from this marriage. In preparation for that, I am working on my emotional move. I am making plans for the things I want to take into my new life. I'm making lasting and final memories with the current possessions I have that I won't take with me. I'm making plans for things I know I will have to say goodbye to, or changing them so that I can take them with me.  (Like my piano...story pending here)

Most of my life has felt like this plan spinning out of control.  I've attempted multiple responses to level set and re-direct the spin -- most to no avail. (Because we all know living with addiction is not controllable.) 

I can control how I choose to see and respond to this divorce. I can choose whether this is going to tear me up or open up a door that for 27 years I could not get open. 

Someone once said, " It's not what happened to us but the belief we created that hurts."  (credit unknown)  I don't know where I am with this thought now. What I do know, is I can feed the pain and let it fester and even destory me. Or I sit with it, be with it, even love it for how it is shaping the new me. 

Paradigm Shift

In 1962, Thomas Kuhn wrote The Structure of Scientific Revolution, popularizing the concept of "paradigm shift" (p.10). Kuhn argues scientific advancement is not evolutionary, rather it is a "series of peaceful interludes punctuated by intellectually violent revolutions", and in those revolutions "one conceptual world view is replaced by another". 


The past couple of posts have included a bit of hurt and pain. It is understandable in the face of disclosures.  The truth is, I don't want to fight over things. There is only one thing worth fighting for -- and that is something I wouldn't have to fight for.

My faith in my Father in Heaven and my testimony in his restored gospel. 

As I walk around my home looking at the pieces of me, I have to ask myself, can I live without that? I have a piano that is barely movable without the assistance of one strong dude. Can I live without that?  It is part of my inheritance. I was gifted my grandmother's baby grand piano in 1997. I hauled in from my home in Utah to Virginia. I paid to have it professionally packaged and secured. When I got to Norfolk, it was obvious it was going to have to stay in storage for a while longer. I couldn't bear it under the humid circumstances that it was stored it. I called an antique piano refinisher and struck a deal.  I traded my antique baby grand in for a brand new upright. It wasn't the best deal, but it was better than what I was currently dealing with.  That piano has been 4 different homes since that deal was finalized. 

There are other pieces of furniture from various family members, a brand new dining room table. There are books and knicknacks that make up a life I've lived now many years. There are several sets of china that came from Japan when my father was stationed there that I also inherited. 

As I look around though, I can't see a single thing that is worth fighting over to the point of losing myself in the process.  I can't see where I would gain destroying the man I have spent more of my life with than my childhood family.

Where does this leave me?





I don't know. The limbo between filing for divorce is difficult. 
I want to leave next week, but I know I can't.
I want to never see H's face again, but I know I will. 



  

I wish it was as easy as a click on my keyboard 

or 

 


making a directional turn down a different road.


The truth is...

It's more like this.....

And a huge change it attitude




which is easily upset by one little text from H
....or H bringing D home later than expected
....or a bad night's sleep complete with horrible dream of what my future could look like
....or a comment from someone that wasn't mean to throw me smack dab back in trauma
....or breathing in and out just trying to get through the next moment
....         

Let the Battle Begin!

For years many of the decisions I considered were to prevent this day from happening. Battling over property and children felt wrong at my core level. Those gut instincts influenced 27 years of decision making.

I stayed married even knowing H had been involved in a relationship with a woman from his previous job -- for years -- so that my little S would not be without his mother.

I stayed married knowing of the horrendous, despicable, even disgusting behaviors H had engaged in so that little D would not lose her home and friends that she needed so badly for her happiness.

I stayed married in spite of the most horrific betrayal -- because leaving is so freaking hard!

I know it would be a lot easier to keep doing what I have been doing the past 27 years. I mean seriously, I've been doing it this long -- what's the problem?

When you are a betrayed wife in trauma cooking his meals and doing his laundry becomes hateful tasks.  Even though you are a stay-at-home wife and he provides for the family. The thought of being wife-y is nauseating.

Don't judge me for being a litle hateful after all these years of lying, cheating, hooking-up, whoring respect H gave to me...... I'm trying to purge pain.

I got a text for H on Tuesday with his laundry list for the week was a bit hard to swallow on the heals of his disclosure Sunday night.

I wanted to throw up

      on him and his laundry list

He wants copies of 6 months of paid bills when we sit down to talk about the finances.

I'm mad.
Mad at being lied to these past months.
I'm mad that we've basically be fooling our ward family.
I'm mad that my life is going to drastically be different now in my church family.  I don't want to be the 'divorced sister' in the ward.
I'm mad that he can't stay clean and sober.
I'm mad that he cannot be honest and get the help he needs.
I'm mad that he tried to blame our problems on me.
I'm mad that our children will now be from a divorced home.  
I'm mad that my needs for friendship, love, intimacy, connection are ignored and discounted in addiction and now need shelved as I go through the next years without a husband.
I'm mad that I will be losing yet another home (This makes my third one because of his addiction.)

So much loss. 


 
 

It Is Finished!

Booyah!!!  

Wouldn't it be the best liar cure e.v.e.r. ?

Sunday afternoon after church we had a little issue with H and D.  I don't know why I try to reason with H when these things happen. It is always pointless.

This time, it took an interesting twist...

...a disclosure

When I liar owns a lie -- are they ever really telling the whole truth?

Is unlying really truth telling.

If an addict admits (because I don't really believe H is owning) a relapse, is he telling the truth?

I don't know about other addicts, but with H admission always includes, "if you had not....__(fill in any blame shift of choice here)_____".  

Is it really the truth if there is blameshifting or gas lighting?

In the Healing Through Christ manual family members are taught during their step 9 work to not excuse an apology. I think that instruction applies to owning a slip or relapse. Right? Wrong? 

If you have a broken addict brain -- you might rationalize and justify your admission.

Or at least H does.

I wouldn't hear it. 

Stop! Just stop!

You lied!

You tried to make me out to be the problem.

This is your mess. Your problem.

As I sat at the island Sunday evening listening to H explain his behavior I felt myself physically exhale.  I've been holding my breath 19 months on this issue. I've seen the signs; anger, denial, meanness. I've asked, only to hear blantant lies in response.  I've caught him. Denied it to myself, pretending to live like everything is just fine.

Only it hasn't been.

I know he's acting out. 

I don't know how much or how bad.

I just know.

Sometimes I wish my gut wasn't so loud -- or so right.

"So who is it'?  I asked.

"Is it more than one? Do you have several tapes you play?"

I grilled him like this for a bit.

I was hurt.

Of course, I wanted to know.

And then relief flooded over me.

It isn't me.

I'm not the crazy one.

I knew.

It was exactly what I saw when I walked into your room.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't eat.

I tossed and turned..

I hate betrayal trauma.

This morning...

I called my sponsor - check

I called my therapist - check

I called a lawyer - check!

I had a good talk with my therapist. She helped me to see and feel the peace of my decision. 

Was I anxious? No, there will be unknowns, but the decision feels right.

Was there conflict in my head/heart? No. I wasn't torn.

She promised me she'd help me with the co-dependent-getting-sucked-back-in that always happens when H is really sorry. (Not trying to be nasty here. He feels bad, I know that. Just not bad enought to get help, or be honest with me).

I know I didn't get the truth last night.

I don't expect it.

Addicts lie -- and minimize.

Today it doesn't matter.

The decision is past.

It is finished!

   

Finding A New Normal

Now that Hunter's funeral is past and his earthly remains have been laid to rest in wait of the resurrection, I am thinking of that new normal.

I am looking forward to feeling like normal again, though I doubt it will be anytime soon.

I'm not sure I will recognize it if it happens.

Have I ever known normal?

It has been just a little over 20 days since I posted about the four-month warning I gave H.  Can I even go back to that warning now in light of everything that has happened the last the past 15 days?

To say that trauma and I know each other well -- is an understatement.  

Issuing warnings are traumatic.

Losing babies is traumatic.

Addicts cause trauma.

Marriage is trauma for me.

Trauma makes it difficult to think 

  and process.

So I look for my answers from people who have been there. They've gone before me and walked the path I am trying to figure out.

this really helps me see H's behavior in persepective with addiction recovery.

Three times they say that we cannot help or protect children if we aren't in a healthy place. 

For the longest time, that has been the concern that lays heaviest on my heart.

My child.

This addiction is destroying my child.

Our home is unhealthy.

Our child is suffering.

I have been looking over this chart.

Over

 and over

   and over..........

This comment on the chart I liked above keeps hitting me broadside:

 "Try as they may, unhealthy parents cannot shield children from the collateral damage of addiction and betrayal trauma. This idea has been reaffirmed after two decades of research by The American Academy of Pediatrics who issued a landmark warning that toxic stress can harm children for life. “You can modify behavior later, but you can’t rewire disrupted brain circuits,” says Jack P. Shonkoff, a Harvard pediatrician who has been a leader in this field."

It's time to determine what I need to see in April so I can know if the warning was headed or if time is up.

What does recovery look like for you?

Me? A Go Fund Me?

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Right? 
Is that how that saying goes? 

I don't know. I'll look it up one day.  
Right now, what I do know is that more expenses have to be paid the funeral home upfront than we have resources to bear.

So here I am on my blog to plug my gofundme.com account.

If you can help -- even just a little. I know God will bless you. 

Hunter's Funeral Expenses

I know what comes around goes around. 

I believe that good works and acts of kindness bless both the giver and the receiver.

I hope that all those who have donated already or who will will be touched by the grace of God.

Thank you for indulging me and my pain and pleas this past week.

Hello Grief, My Old Friend!

"There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms."  Charlotte Brontë






I wish I had one of these about 6 trillion times ten years ago.  
I wish I had a place to hang my pain out where every one could see. 

Instead, I hid me. 

My husband couldn't deal with it and told everyone around me -- even at church -- to just leave me alone.  


I wondered why no one ever asked why I was never at church.  

Or why I wouldn't take a calling or stay in Relief Society.  


Grief -- and baby loss are just way too familiar to me.



Now this grief isn't about me. 
And this is a whole new kind of pain.




"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it."  Arthur Golden

I didn't realize there was a ribbon for miscarriage. 

Its the same for stillbirth too.










Grief is all around me now.
In so many different forms and coming from so many different sized people.

It comes out of everyone differently.
While that is happening, I'm wondering where to put mine.


“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” 
― William Shakespeare, Macbeth



7 days ago I was worried about the last assignments due for that week of school. 
It was week 1 (actually it was the second week, but they call that the introduction and begin with number 1 the second week).

I worried about when the baby would come and how to manage two toddlers, my homeschooler, and two parents that know how to take advantage of their parent-free time (Don't rail on me here for saying this -- it is honest truth no matter how much I adore my little imps).

I know I'm lucky to have them all the time. 
I never have to share time with other grands.



7 days ago seems like someone else's life today.


Today some one I didn't know I loved -- is gone. 

I thought my heart might break in that moment.
Such a familiar pain.
One that belonged only to me just ten years earlier.
And yet, your child loosing a child feels worse.








Today, I am not the same as I was a week ago.
Birth
and death
have altered me.




Grief - oh how well I know you -- 

Grief is a response to loss.  Grief is the emotion you feel when something or someone is taken from you.  The more emotionally involved you are the more significant the grief/loss can be.  Everyone experiences grief differentlyGrief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one—which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief—but any loss can cause grief, including:

Divorce or relationship breakup Loss of health Losing a job Loss of financial stability A miscarriage Retirement

Death of a pet Loss of a cherished dream A loved one’s serious illness Loss of a friendship Loss of safety after a trauma Selling the family home

The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or retiring from a career you loved.

Consider the lilies of the field, How they grow, how they grow. 
Consider the birds in the sky, How they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky. 
And He will feed those who trust Him, And guide them with His eye.




Now this will be a piece of my life