Finding A New Normal

Now that Hunter's funeral is past and his earthly remains have been laid to rest in wait of the resurrection, I am thinking of that new normal.

I am looking forward to feeling like normal again, though I doubt it will be anytime soon.

I'm not sure I will recognize it if it happens.

Have I ever known normal?

It has been just a little over 20 days since I posted about the four-month warning I gave H.  Can I even go back to that warning now in light of everything that has happened the last the past 15 days?

To say that trauma and I know each other well -- is an understatement.  

Issuing warnings are traumatic.

Losing babies is traumatic.

Addicts cause trauma.

Marriage is trauma for me.

Trauma makes it difficult to think 

  and process.

So I look for my answers from people who have been there. They've gone before me and walked the path I am trying to figure out.

this really helps me see H's behavior in persepective with addiction recovery.

Three times they say that we cannot help or protect children if we aren't in a healthy place. 

For the longest time, that has been the concern that lays heaviest on my heart.

My child.

This addiction is destroying my child.

Our home is unhealthy.

Our child is suffering.

I have been looking over this chart.

Over

 and over

   and over..........

This comment on the chart I liked above keeps hitting me broadside:

 "Try as they may, unhealthy parents cannot shield children from the collateral damage of addiction and betrayal trauma. This idea has been reaffirmed after two decades of research by The American Academy of Pediatrics who issued a landmark warning that toxic stress can harm children for life. “You can modify behavior later, but you can’t rewire disrupted brain circuits,” says Jack P. Shonkoff, a Harvard pediatrician who has been a leader in this field."

It's time to determine what I need to see in April so I can know if the warning was headed or if time is up.

What does recovery look like for you?