Finding A New Normal

Now that Hunter's funeral is past and his earthly remains have been laid to rest in wait of the resurrection, I am thinking of that new normal.

I am looking forward to feeling like normal again, though I doubt it will be anytime soon.

I'm not sure I will recognize it if it happens.

Have I ever known normal?

It has been just a little over 20 days since I posted about the four-month warning I gave H.  Can I even go back to that warning now in light of everything that has happened the last the past 15 days?

To say that trauma and I know each other well -- is an understatement.  

Issuing warnings are traumatic.

Losing babies is traumatic.

Addicts cause trauma.

Marriage is trauma for me.

Trauma makes it difficult to think 

  and process.

So I look for my answers from people who have been there. They've gone before me and walked the path I am trying to figure out.

this really helps me see H's behavior in persepective with addiction recovery.

Three times they say that we cannot help or protect children if we aren't in a healthy place. 

For the longest time, that has been the concern that lays heaviest on my heart.

My child.

This addiction is destroying my child.

Our home is unhealthy.

Our child is suffering.

I have been looking over this chart.

Over

 and over

   and over..........

This comment on the chart I liked above keeps hitting me broadside:

 "Try as they may, unhealthy parents cannot shield children from the collateral damage of addiction and betrayal trauma. This idea has been reaffirmed after two decades of research by The American Academy of Pediatrics who issued a landmark warning that toxic stress can harm children for life. “You can modify behavior later, but you can’t rewire disrupted brain circuits,” says Jack P. Shonkoff, a Harvard pediatrician who has been a leader in this field."

It's time to determine what I need to see in April so I can know if the warning was headed or if time is up.

What does recovery look like for you?

Me? A Go Fund Me?

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Right? 
Is that how that saying goes? 

I don't know. I'll look it up one day.  
Right now, what I do know is that more expenses have to be paid the funeral home upfront than we have resources to bear.

So here I am on my blog to plug my gofundme.com account.

If you can help -- even just a little. I know God will bless you. 

Hunter's Funeral Expenses

I know what comes around goes around. 

I believe that good works and acts of kindness bless both the giver and the receiver.

I hope that all those who have donated already or who will will be touched by the grace of God.

Thank you for indulging me and my pain and pleas this past week.

Hello Grief, My Old Friend!

"There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms."  Charlotte Brontë






I wish I had one of these about 6 trillion times ten years ago.  
I wish I had a place to hang my pain out where every one could see. 

Instead, I hid me. 

My husband couldn't deal with it and told everyone around me -- even at church -- to just leave me alone.  


I wondered why no one ever asked why I was never at church.  

Or why I wouldn't take a calling or stay in Relief Society.  


Grief -- and baby loss are just way too familiar to me.



Now this grief isn't about me. 
And this is a whole new kind of pain.




"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it."  Arthur Golden

I didn't realize there was a ribbon for miscarriage. 

Its the same for stillbirth too.










Grief is all around me now.
In so many different forms and coming from so many different sized people.

It comes out of everyone differently.
While that is happening, I'm wondering where to put mine.


“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” 
― William Shakespeare, Macbeth



7 days ago I was worried about the last assignments due for that week of school. 
It was week 1 (actually it was the second week, but they call that the introduction and begin with number 1 the second week).

I worried about when the baby would come and how to manage two toddlers, my homeschooler, and two parents that know how to take advantage of their parent-free time (Don't rail on me here for saying this -- it is honest truth no matter how much I adore my little imps).

I know I'm lucky to have them all the time. 
I never have to share time with other grands.



7 days ago seems like someone else's life today.


Today some one I didn't know I loved -- is gone. 

I thought my heart might break in that moment.
Such a familiar pain.
One that belonged only to me just ten years earlier.
And yet, your child loosing a child feels worse.








Today, I am not the same as I was a week ago.
Birth
and death
have altered me.




Grief - oh how well I know you -- 

Grief is a response to loss.  Grief is the emotion you feel when something or someone is taken from you.  The more emotionally involved you are the more significant the grief/loss can be.  Everyone experiences grief differentlyGrief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one—which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief—but any loss can cause grief, including:

Divorce or relationship breakup Loss of health Losing a job Loss of financial stability A miscarriage Retirement

Death of a pet Loss of a cherished dream A loved one’s serious illness Loss of a friendship Loss of safety after a trauma Selling the family home

The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or retiring from a career you loved.

Consider the lilies of the field, How they grow, how they grow. 
Consider the birds in the sky, How they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky. 
And He will feed those who trust Him, And guide them with His eye.




Now this will be a piece of my life 

A Tragic Loss

It was supposed to be such a joyous time for the family.
Grand babies are supposed to bring excitement into the world with them.

This time it is not to be.


I'm so mad!
The hurt.  Oh how this hurts!

His name is Hunter Collin.

He tried so hard to come into this world, but it was not to be.

Born  10:10 PM January 14, 2016
Time of Death: 10:45 January 14, 2016


We are supposed to be celebrating.
We're supposed to be happy.

And now..

We are just numb and hurting and crying and asking why.....


The rains descended as I left the hospital Friday morning after sitting all night holding my grief stricken children.

I went home to shower and get a few things for them.
I needed to shower to hide my tears.


Friday was bitterly cold.
The wind bit through me as I walked back inside the hospital to face this tragedy.
I didn't care.
I hurt already.

Today the sun was out.
It was cold, but the sun still beckoned -- calling on our faith and hope.

I'm working on that.

Tomorrow is the Sabbath.
I'll go to church with my box of tissue.
People will talk to me that never do.
I'll try not to let that anger me.
I'll try to ignore the things they say that come out wrong. The mean well.
I'll try to smile, but mostly I will just cry.

I've been in this place before with my own son and 5 other babies that were not meant to be.
Children that you long 9 months for --

-- but do not come home with you.


There is nothing worse!

The 4 Month Warning

It's finally happened.

I got brave and issued a

On April 4, 2016 it will be 2 years.

Two years since H called me on the phone, crying, pleading, begging for me to give him another chance. 

I wanted to throw up when I heard that plea.

I'd been there so many times before. I know how it always goes. The promises sounds so sincere. The tears seem so genuine. 
But a month (if that) later and it is the same angry addict.

(I know there is a little bitterness here in this tone -- forgive that -- its been 27 years of this)


I believed him. 
I always do.
But oh, I was scared. 
For weeks my hands shook. I had this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and I questioned. Boy, did I question myself.

Don't judge me. 
I may be crazy. 
Or it may be that it is freaking hard to tell if you have lived up to those covenants -- all the way!

How much is too much?  
When can I stop listening to those voices in my head that guilt me?

Is two years enough to see some change?
is going to church repentance? 
Is stopping acting out recovery?

2015 was hell. 
No  matter what I did. No matter how hard I tried to reason. No matter how much I tried to explain or teach -- it fell on deaf ears and a hard heart.

I just want peace.
I just want someone who I can work with. 
He doesn't have to be perfect -- just humble. Reasonable. Attempting to be kind and Christlike.




There never is a knot in my stomach when I get to this point.  
Just relief.


What keeps me tied to this rat wheel is......

 -- two kids
 -- two houses
 -- bills
 -- car payments
 -- the list goes on

It is difficult to get rid of property right now.

I refuse to just pack up and walk away. 
I've already lost too much being in this marriage.
I won't lose this!

I'm stuck.

But I gave him the warning.
I said he had until April 4th to get his miracle to happen.
I believe in miracles. 
I pray for them. 

I'm going to have to pray...hard....if he makes it happen. I haven't loved him for years with all his other women and porn in the way of those emotions.

Eighty-eight days.
That is all he has.

He had 730 days.
But he quit.
He quit counseling.
He quit working his recovery. 
  (I know he's working a lot and its difficult -- but where are his priorities? Where is his commitment to change and to those promises he made two years ago?)
He's not even working on getting baptized again.

It was May the last time we saw the Stake President. 
Maybe it's their fault.
Aren't they supposed to be helping him?

Maybe it's mine?

I don't know.
Where does help  and support for the lost sheep stop and his commitments and efforts begin?


It just doesn't feel right any more. Waiting on him. Waiting for it to matter to him.

And I hate that.
I know the Savior never gave up on any of us. 
I know all this pain and suffering has already been paid for.

I don't believe in the 'I don't deserve this' concept.
I just don't know what to do with all these feelings that this isn't right any more.


If you have any wise advice.
If you can read thought the hurt and bitterness and snark to see that I have worked hard at this marriage. I have prayed over it. I have been to the temple. I have put our names on prayer rolls countless times. I have tried.


It feels like a 

Happy New Year!

It is happening  --  the end and the beginning merging together.
It is a time to ponder what was and ponder what will be.
It is looking back with and forward.
It is planning.
It is organizing.

For some, it is praying this will be the year when he gets it. The year he gives up what has been dragging him and everyone around him down. The year addiction does not consume all our energy.

What ever your new year brings you, I hope it is more joy and more peace.

I Want Normal!

For the past few weeks "I Want Normal!" has been my battle cry.

I want a normal life.
I want a normal husband.
I want to be a normal family at church.
I want to celebrate a normal Christmas.
I want NORMAL!


My life is anything but normal. If I was smart, I would get out my 12-step tools and use some of them to help me through this current struggle.

I don't know -- that might be too easy...'let go and let God' and all.

For the past 20 month's since my husband's return I have been looking for that time when I would be ok with the decision.  I just haven't. Every issue, every situation, every upset has been a reminder of why we separated in the first place.  It got so bad one day I locked myself in the bathroom and cried out to God, 'Is it time for me to go yet?"

I think Christmas cinched it for me when we got back from celebrating with family, H bolted into the house and right up to his room and went to bed.

What?????    Seriously?  Um? Christmas Eve?  Did you forget something?  Something freakin' important?


Maybe I'm being a big brat here. I mean, I usually do it all myself. Except that he is usually watching a movie with me. He's usually in the family room -- where I am working.  He's usually NOT upstairs in his room asleep like it is any other night of the year!


And then there were the photos of friends of ours on Facebook that made this all hurt worse. They just had their last child get married. Technically they have been empty-nesters for a few years, but now it is official.  He posted pictures of their cute little Christmas Eve celebration, complete with cookie decorating together and snuggling with matching pj's on the couch together.

I'm feeling the loss even deeper.  3.5 years and D will be gone. It will just be me and ??

I'm losing hope in something like this:






I don't know -- 27 years of despair are pretty hard to keep bottled up.



I was watching 'The Theory of Everything" the other day. Have you seen it?  It is the story of Stephen Hawking's life. (warning) I was triggered at first -- the girl is in love and willing to put up with anything to get the guy -- even knowing he only has two years to live.

**snif


Of course he beats all odds and then the reality of the we-are-so-in-love-we-can-battle-anything sets in.  First there is a guy that floats her boat -- and then a woman that floats his.  It is how the world sees marriage -- when it gets too hard you move on.

I could feel the woman's despair.

I'm not wired like that woman.  I've stuck this out for so long now because of covenants. I've had to work though all the painful reality of why I keep mine even if he doesn't keep his.  I've tried to 'let go and let God.' H's crimes are not my sins to pay for. Even if it destroys our marriage -- I won't let it destroy me.  I can still be a kind person. I can still try to make a happy home.




You can't force happy.
It has to come from within the individual.
All the baking, decorating, and fussing about the home to make everything perfect for everyone else -- will only be perfect if they choose.


I keep hearing Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's words in my head




I know I am supposed to see things this way. I know I'm supposed to keep trying and stay happy -- no matter what -- but I am weary of it being always me