A Letter to My Husband

*I sent this via email to my husband yesterday after being hit upside the head with a does of reality.  My reality.   I'm not sure it will do any good. I just need it recorded that I tried.  

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H --

I had a little dose of reality that I am really struggling with.  I hope, in my limited way, to help you see what I saw in a recent visit to the Church's membership app.

The Church updated the LDS Tools app where all the stake and ward membership information can be found. The update is pretty cool. Heads of families now have access to blessing dates, baptism dates, missionary information, sealings,etc.  No one, but the family heads can see this. Members in a ward or stake can only see phone/address info.  

The issue I had, occurred when trying to open up you details. Nothing is there. You have been blotted out from the kingdom.  

It was an startling reality.  I know they keep your name on the list because you are married to me and I am a member. 

Other than that -- there is nothing.

26+ years of effort and prayer and today there is nothing.  

Its been 20 momths. 

Where are you in your progress towards returning to the fold? 

What is going on inside of you with your desire to be counted (named) with the Saints? 

I fear this is like every other problem we have -- while the fire is hot you focus on it.  When things settle down you turn your attention away.  

I'm not sure why I have the sense your continued status as an excommunicated member does not bother you.

I do.

How long has it been since you were able to take the sacrament?

How long has it been since you were able to hold a calling and help build the kingdom?

How long has it been since you could offer a prayer in a meeting on behalf of the members of your ward?

How long has it been since you could add your vote of consent to callings or releases?

In my mind -- these are tragedies.

I  might suggest (your call) that you do a personal inventory and see where you are with yourself and with the Lord. When you know -- maybe you can help the Stake President to see.

I'm attaching links to a few talks by Elder Oaks that may help get a fire lit under this again. 

This first one -- may help you evaluate where you are in your recovery process.  

Pornography - Dallin H. Oaks

				Pornography - Dallin H. Oaks Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of pornography.
				View on www.lds.org	Preview by Yahoo

This second one -- is a great talk for those who struggle and how the Lord helps ease our struggles

He Heals the Heavy Laden - Dallin H. Oaks

				He Heals the Heavy Laden - Dallin H. Oaks The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ … is available for every affliction in mortality.
				View on www.lds.org	Preview by Yahoo

 This one is a talk by Elder Holland given to the student body of BYU (Provo) when he was the president of the university.  

 It is a deep and bold address, as Elder Holland is known to give, on human intimacy.  It is something I have been hoping we can get to a place to discuss.  Some days I feel it will never happen.

  http://emp.byui.edu/marrottr/HollndSoulsSymbSacrs.pdf

(-- just as an aside Rhyll Crowshaw shares this address on her addiction recovery website: salifeline.org. {This isn't where I first learned of Holland's talk, though it makes me happy to see it on a recovery site}  Here's her little excerpt:  S.A. Lifeline )Foundation )

On that fated April day when you called me on the phone, pleading for another chance, the instruction I felt I received from the Lord, was to help you find your way back into His fold. I wasn't told this was the marriage for me and I needed to work on it. I wasn't told that you were healed and I would be ok. I wasn't even told there wouldn't be more addiction to deal with.  I was told to help you find God and come to know the Savior and the redeeming gift of his Atonement.  

This is the reason for this email.

I know I can't drag you to heaven, nor do I want to.  I see the drift between us continuing to widen in this area.  I'm saddened by that. 

I'd like to feel like for once we are progressing together.

Instead, I feel like this is all there will every be.

I'm not ok with where we are.  

I wish it bothered you as much as it does me --- or at least bothered you enough to do something about it!