tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36365245692757110832024-03-14T04:49:44.998-07:00Within the Heart of Me...My story -- straight from my heart.WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.comBlogger130125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-85230153707992400482019-03-03T17:31:00.000-08:002019-03-03T17:31:51.994-08:00Going No Contact<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhboREHIPuvrwsNA91eGBxv-h_O8OHUmVQxTTw5zl1-BPL7GeRc_kQm8sTRWLQVb7VsHXcQS1N9uw4I47bcGLs_ULef9Kqe96NBHr6UJFbkY54fGL3yA7Gd1QQzP0QOHVgpPvSanmLAt5fN/s1600/No%252BContact.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhboREHIPuvrwsNA91eGBxv-h_O8OHUmVQxTTw5zl1-BPL7GeRc_kQm8sTRWLQVb7VsHXcQS1N9uw4I47bcGLs_ULef9Kqe96NBHr6UJFbkY54fGL3yA7Gd1QQzP0QOHVgpPvSanmLAt5fN/s320/No%252BContact.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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It's been almost 60 days since I stood on my door steep with H pacing back and forth in his torment. I hate to watch the battle -- but I know each time where it will end.<br />
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Impass</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Stalemate</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">gridlock</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Standoff</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Dead-End</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">It is that moment when I know I cannot go any further. The conversation hit a wall. I had him with me and then suddenly, in less that a breath, he's gone. His knee-jerk reaction, his go-to, is to push against instead of ride with it to see where it might take him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">On that cold January night -- he said -- </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">AMPUTATE!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The only choice I was left with the was to go no contact.</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">No texting </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">No phone calls</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">No IM, PM, or messaging of any kind</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">No message relaying through friends or family</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">No Contact!</span></li>
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It has been painful. </div>
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I have felt more alone than I have many other times in my marriage. </div>
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I have felt a sense of foreboding hit almost every night when the work day ends.</div>
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And..I have felt peace.</div>
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It is an odd sense of not having the toxic behavior in my life on a daily basis. The conversations that go no where and the constant battle not to fall into the trap of being gaslit. </div>
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A lot of things have happened while we have been in the no-contact period. Things I would normally call him out on. </div>
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It has taken a lot of self-control on my part to let things ride. </div>
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Here's what I have gained in return:</div>
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<li>Some private time to truly grieve (I'm still working this part through)</li>
<li>Some mental clarity after all the crazy chaos has left the premises</li>
<li>Some connection with my own thoughts without all the gaslit narrative of H's I have to sort through</li>
<li>Time -- to figure out what I need, what is safe and what step to take next</li>
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No contact is one of the strongest boundaries I have ever set for myself -- and the most difficult.</div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After 30+ years of being with H it was kind of like this ^^^ stopping a freight train!</span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm still working my way out of the wreckage.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm still thinking through my plan.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I still feel that knife in the heart about 5:00 PM every evening.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV2zDMYZYE0BqLZ7qwk2gS9AaKPwrgGbMqjjtB0_Mj6RS5K8ahy_nXLy98P2UKBZ0NrngzDRpB2LrqSqcwPjiZzKdnUyw4WJWOZorh6fZkP0S051xbH8ynCDUUstNZZqK6RELcIKrTlTcl/s1600/No-turning-back.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV2zDMYZYE0BqLZ7qwk2gS9AaKPwrgGbMqjjtB0_Mj6RS5K8ahy_nXLy98P2UKBZ0NrngzDRpB2LrqSqcwPjiZzKdnUyw4WJWOZorh6fZkP0S051xbH8ynCDUUstNZZqK6RELcIKrTlTcl/s320/No-turning-back.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>NO TURNING BACK!</b></div>
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Steven Covey once stated, </div>
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<i>"I'm not a product of my circumstances - I'm a product of my decisions."</i></div>
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That is where I am heading today. </div>
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60 days in.</div>
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It is decided!</div>
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I'm not sure where this road will take me. There are more decisions ahead that I feel strong enough to make. I'm forward facing -- not looking back -- not reaching out -- reaching on!</div>
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-64501969821992353442018-12-23T16:51:00.001-08:002018-12-23T16:54:00.478-08:00The White Heron and the Geese<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8x_F8vldd1f0-_XVBrfIRMjiponY4HFyTyNCl3MuM9BQztC5TjJVkJ9FlQr3LRrxzvtWwm6_GBea0WOoVnnRoyYb9kYlmvOC4nqnf0DHGjR8bwqmuz2HzA7rawZ-JnWxuW-GYjJvysZt9/s1600/white+heron.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="207" data-original-width="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8x_F8vldd1f0-_XVBrfIRMjiponY4HFyTyNCl3MuM9BQztC5TjJVkJ9FlQr3LRrxzvtWwm6_GBea0WOoVnnRoyYb9kYlmvOC4nqnf0DHGjR8bwqmuz2HzA7rawZ-JnWxuW-GYjJvysZt9/s1600/white+heron.jpeg" /></a></div>
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Sitting in the river is this majestic creature, pure white, stately, alone. The irony of this situation hits me with full force every time. The White Heron. I see them often where I live. I have watched them for years. Never have I seen them in groups like the geese.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEici7RGDtfN9tlHR4CHM2M5HPBGIwoDCuuN1u4Iz6knVKHEDQQ5Xj3oPvDdSI_Llg_6oZzVv0HjCN5bGbGfib_wuZgNcEDU5dMZx7XKD5q-RU7_P4ScFjEeW6evwJviM_NEt6M_441Lky_E/s1600/A_flock_of_barnacle_geese_in_Helsinki%252C_Finland.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEici7RGDtfN9tlHR4CHM2M5HPBGIwoDCuuN1u4Iz6knVKHEDQQ5Xj3oPvDdSI_Llg_6oZzVv0HjCN5bGbGfib_wuZgNcEDU5dMZx7XKD5q-RU7_P4ScFjEeW6evwJviM_NEt6M_441Lky_E/s320/A_flock_of_barnacle_geese_in_Helsinki%252C_Finland.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Geese are all over the place where I live -- just like this -- with their flock. The contrast is striking!<br />
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I don't know much about the Heron (or Egret as they are also known). They are said to be monogamous birds, with the male being the nest builder. He begins to build the home and then seeks out the mate.<br />
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What I haven't been able to determine, is why I never see these birds in pairs. The contrast of the geese -- always in a group -- a family -- leaves a mark on my soul each time.<br />
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Birds fascinate me. Their life seems care free at times and yet, like all of God's creatures they have a purpose and a mission in His world.<br />
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Their mission seems so much easier to follow and accomplish than mine.<br />
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My life is more like...<br />
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A<i><b> rickety, broken down, weed-infested, roller coaster!</b></i></div>
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Somedays, even with the ups and downs, my travels along the road of life are smooth. Other times, the ruts, detours and road blocks -- along an almost impassable course -- leave me to wonder how I will navigate the path ahead.</div>
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The past few months have been like that with me -- or at least like that with H. No matter how hard I try, I continue to find myself in the same space, feeling the same let down feelings, alone -- like that Heron in the water. </div>
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Tonight the struggle to hold tight to boundaries is not helping me. Every couple of minutes the thoughts return to my mind to call or text. Battling those thoughts is not easy. The truth is, I'm not even sure if it will make me feel better or worse. </div>
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Will the text bring on the gaslighting dialogue? </div>
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Will I be blamed for letting things go so long, when over and over I have asked him to reach out and include me in his life?</div>
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Will he make it about him and not take ownership?</div>
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It's too cold to go sit along my favorite river's edge, with the Heron and geese, to ponder this dilemma. Instead, I go there in my mind, battling against myself. Praying for strength.<br />
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The only problem is -- I don't know what side of the issue to apply the strength for which I have prayed.<br />
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<br />WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-73840613145171248682018-09-23T09:12:00.000-07:002018-09-23T09:12:54.748-07:00Am I Invisibe?I remember years back, when the trials of my life were intense, standing up in a women's meeting to share my testimony. I was particularly vulnerable and raw in the words I chose to share that day. Typically, I reserve the real me for a rare few, but this day, all the pain I keep hidden from the world needed release.<br />
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I remember (sometimes embarrassingly so when I think too long about this experience) telling those women sitting in that room, that I longed for a trail that was visible to the world. I thought a broken leg or maybe cancer would be better than what I was dealing with alone that day.<br />
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To not be seen is one of life's greatest pains. </div>
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I wanted to be seen -- and heard -- that Sunday morning. </div>
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<span style="background-color: initial;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">He knows your heart</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: center; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: initial;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">He knows your pain</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: center; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: initial;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: center; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: initial;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">He sees the tears that you cry</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: center; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: initial;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">He knows your soul is aching to know why</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: center; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: initial;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">He hears your prayers each humble word</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: center; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: initial;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">When you said you couldn't face another day he understood</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: center; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: initial;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">He knows the path that you will find</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: center; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: initial;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Though you felt alone he's never left your side</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">Chorus:</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">Could take away your sorrow</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">And no human eyes could see what you're going through</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">He will lift your heavy load and carry you</span></div>
</span></span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">He'll bring you peace and leave you hope</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">And in the darkest night he'll comfort you</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">Until you know the sun will rise and each new day</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">You will have the strength to live again</span></div>
</span></span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">Chorus:</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">And in those moments when no earthly words</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">can take away your sorrow</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">And no human eyes could see what you're going through</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">He will lift your heavy load and carry you</span></div>
</span></span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">He hears you when you're crying in the night</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">He hears you when your soul longs to find</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">Till the morning will come</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">And the light of the dawn reassures</span></div>
</span></span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">Chorus:</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">That in the moments when no earthly words</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">can take away your sorrow</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">And no human eyes could see what you're going through</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do</span></div>
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;">He will lift your heavy load and carry you</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: initial;"><i> ~ Hillary Weeks</i></span></div>
</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
No one said a word to me at the meeting's end. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It was ok.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I didn't need those women to see me.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
In that moment, I knew God saw me.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I knew He always did -- he always would. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
There are so many time through out this life, I have wanted people to see me, to feel with me, to make space in a few moments of their day for me. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It is such a beautiful gift we give one another to truly see them.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
What I didn't see that Sunday morning, in the sharing of my pain, is that I would need that experience to recognize that need in other women. To learn that others, like me, have pain the world cannot see. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
One day, God would put those women in my life to sit with.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I would see them.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I would make space for them.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I would sit with their pain.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I would honor them for their strength.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I would love them -- even more -- for allowing me the gift of seeing them.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
"Life carves a holding place in our hearts" (<a href="https://devotional.byuh.edu/node/332" target="_blank">Wilcox, 2009)</a> from which God will use us as His hands, to bless others; to help Him reach across the chasms of His world and ours to feel him -- and trust him. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
That day, He filled the empty space in me with an awareness I could later use to help others. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
We are not invisible.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
God sees us.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
He shows himself to us through the love of charity of his other children.</div>
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-60097335232348550842017-04-28T14:07:00.001-07:002017-10-14T10:48:08.552-07:00Surrendering<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Each week at SA Lifeline meetings, the long version of the Serenity Prayer is read. I did not know these other verses of this prayer until I attended my first SAL meeting.<br />
<br />
Right now I am focusing on this one main point:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"Living one day at a time - enjoying one moment at a time"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> This is the idea behind my surrender.<br />
<br />
<br />
The truth is, after 30 years of this life, I know that hoping for, or wanting something that requiring the cooperation of another human being (think addict here) to make it happen, is not what this is all about. This is about letting go of needing anyone but me and God. This isn't about finally knowing the path forward, rather it is realizing that I am not helping myself by trying to make this happen my way. I need to surrender my life, trusting that God knows what is best for me.<br />
<br />
I have been trying to force myself and H down a life path for 30 years, without success. It isn't working. I'm not achieving what I need and want from doing things my way. I'm sure H isn't either. I do not believe my expectations have been excessive. My ideas of honesty, fidelity, and love are what most people look for -- and even expect in a marriage.<br />
<br />
Most -- but not everyone.<br />
<br />
I am surrendering...<br />
Love<br />
Marriage<br />
Companionship<br />
Trust<br />
Fidelity<br />
Friendship<br />
Someone to talk to<br />
Someone to know -- and who knows me<br />
Someone to laugh with<br />
Someone to cry with<br />
Someone who deals with the struggles of day to day with me<br />
Someone who even takes some of those troubles from me<br />
Someone to mow the lawn and take out the trash<br />
Someone to help warm the bed up on cold winter nights<br />
Someone to go exploring with<br />
Someone who gets my music and dances in the kitchen with me<br />
Someone to sit next to on the pew at church<br />
Someone to fight with<br />
Someone to dream with<br />
Someone to grow old with<br />
<br />
Surrendering is painful.<br />
Surrendering evokes a longing for that which one cannot have but longs for anyway.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Surrender is choosing another direction -- </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
when the current path is not taking you where you need to go. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGwQOD-al_yz03dRnQ3_pry3irLbDQAlpZqpBwKWnP3zIaaQkw0eqMWJopNcKXeHel8zd_UrzQ4eovU060DJAeqor3be8cf3YSEXQfFX3FTxleUyrS5gOCA8_GuYcmURIbQoSb93OrgwxH/s1600/62480-o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGwQOD-al_yz03dRnQ3_pry3irLbDQAlpZqpBwKWnP3zIaaQkw0eqMWJopNcKXeHel8zd_UrzQ4eovU060DJAeqor3be8cf3YSEXQfFX3FTxleUyrS5gOCA8_GuYcmURIbQoSb93OrgwxH/s400/62480-o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
Surrender is letting go</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so both can live</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-566753966554095752017-04-11T17:16:00.000-07:002017-04-11T17:20:49.157-07:00Back to Bloggin' and Movin' On!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /><iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/q1pHbP0aMf0/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/q1pHbP0aMf0?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It has been way too long since I stopped by here long enought to add to the story of my life. Many things have happend. Some good and some not so good. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Life is like that -- both happy and sad. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">After trying to do this on my own, I have finally come to realize there is value for me in visiting these pages, in telling these stories, both the good ones and the sad ones. Writing them down validates the struggles and successes. It paints the picture of how hard I tried and where I need to try harder. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It was almost a year ago I came here to talk about being stuck. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Stuck - unable to move. Unable to change. Unable to progress. Unable to....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Stuck for nearly a year.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Stuck trying. Is that even a thing?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I tried. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I tried counseling.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I tried moving.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I tried hiding in my room with the door locked tight.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I tried letting H in my room.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I tried.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">There is a truth about trying that has to be told -- it takes two to make a try work. </span><br />
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<br /><iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/-n39pvECcmA/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/-n39pvECcmA?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">A month ago today -- I asked H to leave. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Did you know leaving is not a complete event? </span><br />
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<header class="main-header oneClick-disabled cts-disabled head-big" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><div class="waypoint-wrapper header-row header-first-row" data-href="source-luna" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin-bottom: 13px;">
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<i><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<section class="def-pbk ce-spot" data-collapse-expand="{"target": ".def-set", "type": "def"}" style="box-sizing: border-box;"><header class="luna-data-header" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><span class="dbox-pg" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 20px;"><i><span style="color: blue;">leaving</span></i></span></header><header class="luna-data-header" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><span class="dbox-pg" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 20px;"><i><span style="color: blue;">noun</span></i></span></header><div class="def-set" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; padding-bottom: 17px;">
<span class="def-number" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; float: left; padding-right: 5px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><i><span style="color: blue;">1.</span></i></span></span><br />
<div class="def-content" style="box-sizing: border-box; padding-left: 37px;">
<i><span style="color: blue;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">something</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">that</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">is</span> </span><a class="dbox-xref dbox-roman" href="http://www.dictionary.com/browse/leave" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: inline; text-decoration: none;">left</a><span style="box-sizing: border-box;">; <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">residue.</span></span></span></i></div>
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<div class="def-set" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; padding-bottom: 17px;">
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<div class="def-set" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; padding-bottom: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Something that is left leaves a residue. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It isn't complete. </span></div>
<div class="def-set" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; padding-bottom: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Something remains to be felt or seen or to be dealt with.</span></div>
<div class="def-set" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; padding-bottom: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Residue sticks where you don't want it to. </span></div>
<div class="def-set" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; padding-bottom: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It sticks even when you ask them to leave.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
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<header class="luna-data-header" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><span class="dbox-pg" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 20px;"><span style="color: blue;"><i>residue</i></span></span></header><header class="luna-data-header" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"><span class="dbox-pg" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 20px;"><span style="color: blue;"><i>noun</i></span></span></header><br />
<div class="def-set" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; padding-bottom: 17px;">
<span class="def-number" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; float: left; padding-right: 5px;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="color: blue;"><i>1.</i></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="color: blue;"><i><span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available" style="box-sizing: border-box;">something</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">that</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">remains</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">after</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">a</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">part</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">is</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">removed,</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">disposed</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">of,</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">or</span> <span class="oneClick-link" style="box-sizing: border-box;">used;</span><span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available" style="box-sizing: border-box;">remainder;</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available" style="box-sizing: border-box;">rest;</span> <span class="oneClick-link oneClick-available" style="box-sizing: border-box;">remnant.</span></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">There is the residue of the porn he used in my home.</span></div>
<div class="def-set" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; padding-bottom: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The residue of the lies.</span></div>
<div class="def-set" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; padding-bottom: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The residue of pain.</span></div>
<div class="def-set" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; padding-bottom: 17px;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The residue of a broken marriage.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It all sticks and it is difficult to remove. </span></div>
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<a href="http://fentonchiropractor.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Detour.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://fentonchiropractor.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Detour.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">For the past year my life has looked something like this detour. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Wandering into dead ends.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Starting and stoping and changing directions until everything inside me is in knots </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> and I feel lost.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It is time to stop this nonsense.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Stop ignoring the warning signs. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It is time for a change of direction</span><br />
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<a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d8/ce/bb/d8cebbd7cbfd21dce9e8f5f0589378cc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d8/ce/bb/d8cebbd7cbfd21dce9e8f5f0589378cc.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">So today I am changing direction.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I am finding a straigh path to recovery.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My recovery.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I am going to keep walking.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Out of the crazy-making.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Away from the lies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Away from the betrayal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Away from the pain.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Toward me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Toward Christ -- for he is the only one who can heal this hurt and locate the lost me inside it all. </span><br />
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<a href="http://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/shutterstock_133728482.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/shutterstock_133728482.jpg" height="314" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Off I go..</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Wish me luck!!!</span><br />
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-76849158940552813812016-05-31T13:46:00.000-07:002016-05-31T13:46:08.355-07:00StuckStuck!<br />
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It's a word my therapist and I discuss all the time.<br />
It's full of lies.<br />
Mine.<br />
H's.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">and sometimes I think God's....but only because I don't understand and know what he knows.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">For the past 7 weeks I have been buried in a class that has buried me emotionally. At the same time, I am in conflict with this class and my real life. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Thanks Marriage 300. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I'm reading this book:</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><img alt="Product Details" class="s-access-image cfMarker" data-csm-markers="af,cf" data-search-image-load="" height="160" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51Nkqvbb07L._AC_US160_.jpg" width="160" /> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">It is amazing! <span style="font-size: xx-small;">unless your husband is an addict.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">And this book:</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><img alt="Product Details" class="s-access-image cfMarker" data-csm-markers="af,cf" data-search-image-load="" height="160" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41Ff68d6ttL._AC_US160_.jpg" width="160" /> </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> This is amazing times.10 <span style="font-size: xx-small;">unless your husband doesn't want to be married to you.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> How long has it been since I started writing here about divorce and separation?</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> It's kind of a theme, huh?</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Please, know, it is far from desire. </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I hate the idea.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I hate what a divorce will mean for me at this point in my life.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I hate what it will do for generations of my family yet to be.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I hate that it conflicts with every doctrine and principle of marriage that I hold true.</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">It is as I said to H recently, I cannot heal a marriage by myself. A marriage is by nature a party of two. Repairing, restoring, healing, fixing, all the broken pieces of addiction and deception cannot be accomplished solely by me.</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><img alt="" class="" height="400" id="yui_3_5_1_1_1464727162311_584" src="https://sp.yimg.com/xj/th?id=OIP.M22ae6f3312ab69ffd4f313d89d436eedH0&pid=15.1&P=0&w=300&h=300" style="height: 169px; margin-left: 0px; margin-top: 0px; width: 169px;" width="400" /> </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> To read about my puzzle follow this link. It is a blog post I wrote for my marriage class. then if you'd like, come back and tell me what you think.</span></span></span></span><br />
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<br /><a href="https://anheritageofthelord.com/" target="_blank">My blog post</a><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I'm still trying to make sense of where I am -- and my therapist is out of town for another week.</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Hence....</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">STUCK! </span> </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span> </span>WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-4670003328723659012016-04-12T07:15:00.000-07:002016-04-22T11:58:32.363-07:00Prone to Wander -- Through Recovery<br />
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I have been thinking a lot about the recovery path I have walked the past 4 years. I like to think of it now in terms of a favorite hymn of mine, "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing". </div>
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<i>Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
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tune my heart to sing thy grace;
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streams of mercy, never ceasing,
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call for songs of loudest praise. </i></div>
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<i>~~~ </i></div>
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I remember well the day I fell to my knees in utter despair, my heart was a shattered mess. I had yet again, unearthed H's despicable acts. The only place I could go -- was to the Savior. In Him, I knew I would find the grace I needed to extend mercy to the one I believed (then) would never deserve it after everything he has done (and kept doing) to me. </div>
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I would have to find the way to tune myself toward recovery -- toward my Father in Heaven and the redeeming grace of the Savior.</div>
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<i>Teach me some melodious sonnet,
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sung by flaming tongues above.
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Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
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mount of thy redeeming love. </i></div>
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Those days were constant prayers. Prayers for comfort. Prayers for
peace. Prayers to just get through the next moment. Prayers to take my
heart and fix it upon the only place I felt hope would come. And yes...a
prayer for a melodious sonnet. Music has an amazing balm to it. In the
days that would follow, there would be many songs that helped heal me.</div>
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<i>Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
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hither by thy help I'm come;
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and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
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safely to arrive at home.
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<i>~~~</i></div>
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An Ebenezer is a "stone of help". The reference is from 1 Samuel 7:12</div>
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<i> "<a class="bookmark-anchor dontHighlight" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="12"></a><span class="verse"></span>Then Samuel took a stone, and set <span class="clarityWord">it</span> between Mizpeh and Shen, and called the name of it Eben-ezer, saying, Hitherto hath the <span class="smallCaps">Lord</span> helped us."</i></div>
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For me, that stone of help was my recovery groups, the <a href="http://www.healingthroughchrist.org/" target="_blank">Healing Through Christ</a><i> </i>program, <a href="http://salifeline.org/" target="_blank">SA Lifeline</a></div>
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<i> </i></div>
<i>and even this brave, brave move....</i>Filming my story with Addo Recovery.<br />
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These were the beginning days. Days of great pain (<span style="font-size: xx-small;">oh how my body always wears the weight of this betrayal and makes it even harder to bear the rejection of H's acts) </span>and confusion. Recovery was the only way through all of that hurt, anger, and hopelessness. It was the only way for me to find myself. It was the only way to find hope and healing.<br />
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<i>Jesus sought me when a stranger,
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<i>wandering from the fold of God;
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<i>he, to rescue me from danger,
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<i>interposed his precious blood. </i></div>
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<i>~ ~ ~ </i></div>
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<i>O to grace how great a debtor
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<i>daily I'm constrained to be!
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<i>Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
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<i>bind my wandering heart to thee. </i><br />
<i>~~~ </i></div>
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The more I worked my recovery, the more I saw my Savior in every part of my pain. The more I opened my heart to him -- the stronger I became. The more I worked to "Let go and let God" as we say in the surrender process --- the greater the ability I found to walk this path.<br />
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A path I walk alone.<br />
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Even as I write this post, H is faltering in his addiction and the anger of disclosing to me -- yet again -- shame filled behaviors. There is no one but the Savior to hold my pain (and H's) as we both walk our own paths.<br />
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No one wants this kind of adversity in their life. No one says, "Hey Lord, pick me! I'm strong. I can handle a husband with a sexual addiction." Most of us that have walked this path would tell anyone to run. Run as fast and as far as you can away from any one with this addiction.<br />
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In bold statement by Sister Julie B. Beck in 2011, she said the following, "Please remember that there are no righteous daughters of God who will willingly tolerate a pornography habit in the young men they date and marry. In fact, if a young woman has any hint that a young man she is interested in is involved in pornography in any of its forms, I would tell her to consider it as a flashing red light, which means 'stop this relationship'." <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(Disclaimer: I'll post a link to this full address in the comments. She mentioned the same thing to the young men. My point is not to say that all addicts are not worthy of a healthy relationship, only that it will be a very difficult road to travel.)</span><br />
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<i>Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
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prone to leave the God I love;
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here's my heart, O take and seal it,
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seal it for thy courts above. </i></div>
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~~~<br />
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Recovery was full of dark days in the beginning. Days when I have asked God why he is silent, or why does he leave me here to suffer in this agony. An addict husband is not a empathic companion. He cannot sit with my pain when his is so consuming. There have been many church leaders who have not understood my pain and needs either (Some have even made it worse with the thoughtless comments.).<br />
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<i> </i>Here I am now -- </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDJLaNTuL-gffbEPJHQ097zwkfJgl1CWnfhYLUt0zmScWI2B3QzIRcJ64eWZWgqqO7aMu7uWQvpVxHXHLH3d8TieOrU0vKPYd09PLfBm0WjX_XOsihQUYVkTJ7qZbd1zcurmiSdKJYacXU/s1600/IMG_2297.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDJLaNTuL-gffbEPJHQ097zwkfJgl1CWnfhYLUt0zmScWI2B3QzIRcJ64eWZWgqqO7aMu7uWQvpVxHXHLH3d8TieOrU0vKPYd09PLfBm0WjX_XOsihQUYVkTJ7qZbd1zcurmiSdKJYacXU/s400/IMG_2297.jpg" width="400" /> </a></div>
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a work in progress. What I have learned in this journey is how to be brave. I've learned how resilient I am. I'm careful -- and wise. I'm authentic, real, and more courageous that I ever thought I could be. I'm intentional, faithful and patient. Qualities that have taken a lot of work (and still require fine tuning from time to time) to develop. I am powerful; not in my ability to control others, but in my ability to surrender and to allow the Master to mold me into who He wants me to be. <b><i>I am worthy and enough! </i></b>Something I didn't believe when this journey with a sex addict first began. In fact, I believed quite the opposite for so long. </div>
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<u><i><b>I am INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!!</b></i></u></div>
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No matter what happens. No matter what H decides as he processes what is required of him from God, from the Church and even from me (should marriage be something he even wants with me)....I will not break.</div>
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I used to think I was broken. A hot mess, as my friend used to refer to me. Life is messy. Life is hard and dirty and painful and all of those things that make us think we are not equipped to be anything but messy and broken.</div>
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Lies! All lies. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdbIuo9nF4igLAt1YoPfF-wHrxIex_TSUMloBjGOa1ED4rT5VuB2KwsbBcT_oEKxrx0QPVFazr1PBwJ_ciDrIPyXD4EikPofDEmxMpA6c7BXbw1KbqNPEWAjZ6SiAHdsYZaytUXTP3QiIb/s1600/IMG_2070.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdbIuo9nF4igLAt1YoPfF-wHrxIex_TSUMloBjGOa1ED4rT5VuB2KwsbBcT_oEKxrx0QPVFazr1PBwJ_ciDrIPyXD4EikPofDEmxMpA6c7BXbw1KbqNPEWAjZ6SiAHdsYZaytUXTP3QiIb/s320/IMG_2070.jpg" width="179" /></a></div>
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<i> </i> I Believe -</div>
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(a verse missing from this hymn)</div>
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<i>O that Day when freed from sinning,<br />
I shall see thy lovely Face;<br /> Clothed then in blood-washed Linnen </i></div>
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<i> How I’ll sing thy sovereign grace;<br />
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,<br />
Take my ransom’d Soul away;<br />
Send thine Angels now to carry<br />
Me to realms of endless Day. </i></div>
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<br />WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-55218526270724025232016-04-07T10:18:00.002-07:002016-04-07T10:18:34.259-07:00Love, Attachment, and ConnectionI used to think I knew what all these terms meant. I've felt that crazy kind of love in the beginning of a romance; that feeling you get when you can't stop thinking about him. I've felt that kind of heart wrenching love looking into the face of my child for the first time. In my small human way and because of the great love I have for my children, I have a sense of how much Father loves each of us. He created this beautiful world, he sent His son to suffer, die, and atone for us. He provided a way for all of us to return to His presence.<br />
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After addiction, love takes on a whole new meaning.<br />
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I used to think people made love with someone they loved -- that was supposed to be special.<br />
I used to think that if you told someone you loved them -- you wouldn't ever hurt them.<br />
I used to think that if you loved someone -- you respected their own individual worth and value.<br />
I used to think love was the impetus for that deep connection that happens between two married people.<br />
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I used to think a lot of things before I realized I was married to a sex addict.<br />
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Including....that the problems in my marriage were because I was too _______________ or not enough___________________.<br />
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Lies!<br />
All lies!<br />
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Except for the part about babies, moms, Heavenly Father and the Savior.<br />
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H and I have known each other some 30 years. Except for my siblings and extended family members, I have no other relationship with that kind of time invested. While there may have been bumps and bruises along the way of growing up with siblings, no one has hurt me to the great extent H has.<br />
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Now I am wondering, is this love or just a long-term attachment?<br />
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Does love get mixed up with need?<br />
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I need someone to open jars I can't open.<br />
I need someone to help me carry things that I can't manage on my own.<br />
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I can't think of other needs.<br />
I'm a pretty independent soul.<br />
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I have long since separated need from wants or like to haves:<br />
* I like to have someone I can really talk to<br />
* I want a husband I can trust enough to talk to<br />
Neither of these are love or attachment<br />
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Dr. Sue Johnson says, "Bonding with a trusted other is a compelling drive wired into the
mammalian brain by millions of years of evolution. This is all about
survival." Johnson goes on to say that when we lose that, we <a href="http://drsuejohnson.com/attachment-sex/attachment-and-the-dance-of-sex-integrating-couple-and-sex-therapy/" target="_blank">panic</a>, and we are lonely or hurting.<br />
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How do you trust enough to give or accept love or connection when there is betrayal?<br />
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As important as the need for connection is for us as human beings, I'm beginning to see that safety has a primary place on the need ladder.<br />
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According to Maslow, safety comes only after basic life needs of food and water are met.<br />
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<br />As I was studying these concepts, trying to make sense of what comes first, I read somewhere (I'll try to find the source) that the deep emotional connection happens only when that person is truly open, and 100%
responsible for their own feelings and needs. I took that to mean that safety happens inside first, before it happens with another person.<br />
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When I try to connect all of this to my present situation and the intense amount of PTSD I am experiencing, I feel like all I am doing is spinning my wheels. I'm not getting a bit of traction to push myself from my stuck place to the starting point of change. <br />
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I have embarked on a new introspective course to find me. I have started to study principles of self-deception and self-betrayal. As I do this self-reflection, I am not expecting to change my H. I'm not expecting to see his betrayal as anything less that it is. I am absolutely NOT taking responsibility for anything H has done. All I am trying to do is take this trauma and this emotional dis-ease with a lack of safety and see what I am doing to contribute to it.<br />
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Wish me luck.<br />
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Seriously, the PTSD around H has been horrible lately. I can't stand him to even touch me. I need to get to the bottom of this because it is just as bad around my kids too. There are times when I just cannot have another human body in my personal space.<br />
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That is no way to live.<br />
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I can't keep all of my associations at arms length....<span style="font-size: xx-small;">even though right now...it feels the safest to me.</span><br />
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<br />WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-24194080334954541792016-03-03T06:34:00.001-08:002016-03-06T09:00:11.525-08:00A Plan for HealingI was going back through my "Recovery Binder" last night, looking at the materials I've collected from my classes and journal notes. On one hand, it felt good to see how well I was doing. On the other, I see the stuffing and the numbing are still my go-to.<br />
<br />
27 years of behavior is hard to change.<br />
<br />
Then I remembered a book a friend recently talked about. Something she said prompted me to investigate the book a little more. (I like any excuse to buy another recovery book.) It was something in the way she described what she was reading that connected wih some other thoughts I've been having on healing. I wondered if it would help me with some stuck things I am trying to work through.<br />
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I ordered it -- and then downloaded the kindle version because I couldn't wait. On one of the first few pages it said, "It takes tremendous energy to keep functioning while carrying the memory of terror". <br />
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I almost shouted YES!!! out loud in my bed last night as I was reading those words. <br />
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I read them again, and again.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">(Disclaimer, I'll be referencing this book a little more later in some other posts and will link back to this with the proper credits.)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
I thought about all the energy it takes a body, my body, to hold in all the trauma, the lies, the losses, the blaming, the gaslighting and every other crazy thing that an addict wife lives with every day -- sometimes multiple times a day.<br />
<br />
It takes energy every Sunday to get up and put on my "church face" and pretend everything is ok. It takes energy to just go to the store some days because hiding from the world means I don't really know what I am missing out there too. It takes energy to just breathe some days. Doing lanudry or sweeping floors can also be the catalist for some flood of undesireable memory.<br />
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Because it is trauma.<br />
<br />
Trauma has that affect on the mind and on the body. The brain is wired to help the body survive. All these trauma reactions that happen are just the brain doing it job.<br />
<br />
I want to teach my brain a different response. I want to teach it peace. I want to re-wire my brain to relax instead of spool up every time these thoughts and fears come flying in unwanted and uninvited.<br />
<br />
I remember studying last semester in my psych class how the brain responds to repatitive thought. As I was studying it, I kept thinking, "Yes! This is exaclty what happens after a trauma." I remember feeling relieved as I realized, "Hey, you're normal! Your brain is supposed to work this way." <span style="font-size: xx-small;">Trauma has a way of making me feel anything but normal. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
Several years ago a dear friend broke her leg. The break was horrible. It required several pins, a rod down through the femor and tremendous physical therapy sessions. It was her right leg. So she learned to drive with her left (Odd -- but she's a very independent woman..much like many of us who learn to deal with trauma alone.) I remember going to the hospital to see her and the response I had as I visually saw the effect of the break and the pain she was in. I had to excuse myself for a moment and catch my breath before I could go back in the hospital room to sit with her. <br />
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What I really remember about this experience with this friend, was the amount of effort it took to heal from that break. Physical energy, emotional energy. There was trauma to the leg and bone and to my friend. Once all the exterior evidence of the trauma was removed, there was still internal pain. Trauma the eye could not see. The bone took over a year to heal. Then the rod was surgically removed and more healing was required. Years later, she still talks about the sensations and struggles she continues to experience because of that break.<br />
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What helps this (My brain isn't broken like my addict husband, but it is damaged from trauma)<br />
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and this....<br />
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(my heart is definitely broken)<br />
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Therapy helps, 12-step groups help, reading recovery books help, and even removing yourself from the situation (if necessary) helps, getting a contact circle or a sponsor also helps.<br />
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Time helps.<br />
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Work helps.<br />
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In one of the 12-step groups I attend, there is a line in the script that reads, "Keep coming back -- it works when we work it!"<br />
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I've heard that line countless times, but this week, as I am pondering the next direction on my healing path, I'm seeing this differently.<br />
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Work it!<br />
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Besides that list above, I'm taking charge of my losses in my mind. My head is going to take me a bit longer -- its more work to get through all the muck lodged up in that head of mine. I'm doing what I can physically while I work on what I can mentally and emotionally. Aside from focused therapy (starting EDMR) --<br />
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I am taking charge of my losses. It is going to be a while before I can make the physical move from this marriage. In preparation for that, I am working on my emotional move. I am making plans for the things I want to take into my new life. I'm making lasting and final memories with the current possessions I have that I won't take with me. I'm making plans for things I know I will have to say goodbye to, or changing them so that I can take them with me. (Like my piano...story pending here)<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Most of my life has felt like this plan spinning out of control. I've attempted multiple responses to level set and re-direct the spin -- most to no avail. (Because we all know living with addiction is not controllable.) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I can control how I choose to see and respond to this divorce. I can choose whether this is going to tear me up or open up a door that for 27 years I could not get open. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Someone once said, "<span style="background-color: white;"> It's not what happened to us but the belief we created that hurts." </span><span style="background-color: white;"> (credit unknown) I don't know where I am with this thought now. What I do know, is I can feed the pain and let it fester and even destory me. Or I sit with it, be with it, even love it for how it is shaping the new me. </span></span></div>
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-39983581208682732512016-02-11T10:54:00.000-08:002016-02-11T10:54:55.819-08:00Paradigm Shift<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: small;"><span id="big">I</span>n 1962, <a href="http://www.emory.edu/EDUCATION/mfp/Kuhnsnap.html">Thomas Kuhn</a> wrote <u>The Structure
of Scientific Revolution</u>, popularizing the concept of "paradigm shift" (p.10).
<a href="http://www.ee.scu.edu/eefac/healy/kuhn.html">Kuhn</a> argues scientific advancement
is not evolutionary, rather it is a "series of peaceful interludes punctuated by intellectually
violent revolutions", and in those revolutions "one conceptual world view is replaced by
another". </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The past couple of posts have included a bit of hurt and pain. It is understandable in the face of disclosures. The truth is, I don't want to fight over things. There is only one thing worth fighting for -- and that is something I wouldn't have to fight for.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My faith in my Father in Heaven and my testimony in his restored gospel. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As I walk around my home looking at the pieces of me, I have to ask myself, can I live without that? I have a piano that is barely movable without the assistance of one strong dude. Can I live without that? It is part of my inheritance. I was gifted my grandmother's baby grand piano in 1997. I hauled in from my home in <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Utah</span> to Virginia. I paid to have it professionally packaged and secured. When I got to Norfolk, it was obvious it was going to have to stay in storage for a while longer. I couldn't bear it under the humid circumstances that it was stored it. I called an antique piano refinisher and struck a deal. I traded my antique baby grand in for a brand new upright. It wasn't the best deal, but it was better than what I was currently dealing with. That piano has been 4 different homes since that deal was finalized. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There are other pieces of furniture from various family members, a brand new dining room table. There are books and knicknacks that make up a life I've lived now many years. There are several sets of china that came from Japan when my father was stationed there that I also inherited. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As I look around though, I can't see a single thing that is worth fighting over to the point of losing myself in the process. I can't see where I would gain destroying the man I have spent more of my life with than my <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">childhood family.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Where does this leave me?</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I don't know. The <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">limbo between filing for divorce is difficult. </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> want to leave<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> next week<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">, <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">but I <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">know I can't.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I want to never see<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">H's face again, but I know <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I will. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img alt="" height="320" id="yui_3_5_1_2_1455216383270_1542" src="http://comps.canstockphoto.com/can-stock-photo_csp7314308.jpg" style="height: 320px; width: 450px;" width="450" /> </span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I wish it was as easy a<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">s a click on my ke<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">yboard </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">or </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img alt="" height="315" id="yui_3_5_1_2_1455216383270_2412" src="http://careers.genus.biz/CacheData/Paradigm_shift_sign_465x315_Alt_2.jpg" style="height: 315px; width: 465px;" width="465" /> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ma<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">king a directional t<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">urn down a different road.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The truth is...</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img alt="" height="620" id="yui_3_5_1_2_1455216383270_2562" src="http://www.teachthepossibility.com/uploads/3/1/7/1/3171876/5487950.jpg?481" style="height: 546px; width: 424px;" width="481" />It's more like this.....</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And a huge cha<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">nge it attitude</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">which is easily upset by one little text <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">from H</span></span></span></i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">.<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">...or<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> H bringing <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">D home late<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">r than<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> expected</span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">....<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">o<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">r a bad night's sleep complete with horrible <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">dream of what my future could look like</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">....<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">or <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a comment from some<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">one</span> that wasn't mean to throw me sma<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ck da<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">b ba<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ck in trauma</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">....or breathing in and out <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">just trying to get through the next moment</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">.... </span> </span></span></span></span></span> </span></span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></i> </span> </span></span></span> </span></span> </span></span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span><br />
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-18566522684203718252016-02-07T14:50:00.000-08:002016-02-07T14:50:02.235-08:00Let the Battle Begin!For years many of the decisions I considered were to prevent this day from happening. Battling over property and children felt wrong at my core level. Those gut instincts influenced 27 years of decision making. <br />
<br />
I stayed married even knowing H had been involved in a relationship with a woman from his previous job -- for years -- so that my little S would not be without his mother. <br />
<br />
I stayed married knowing of the horrendous, despicable, even disgusting behaviors H had engaged in so that little D would not lose her home and friends that she needed so badly for her happiness.<br />
<br />
I stayed married in spite of the most horrific betrayal -- because leaving is so freaking hard!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
I know it would be a
lot easier to keep doing what I have been doing the past 27 years. I
mean seriously, I've been doing it this long -- what's the problem?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
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<span class="tile--img__media__i" style="border: 0px; bottom: -50%; display: inline-block; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; right: -50%; vertical-align: baseline;"><img alt="... the Family Home - Divorce Money Matters | Divorce Money Matters" class="tile--img__img js-lazyload" data-src="//images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Ftse3.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP.M6906bf71ca1db28062eeab5305b876f4o0%26pid%3D15.1&f=1" src="https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Ftse3.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP.M6906bf71ca1db28062eeab5305b876f4o0%26pid%3D15.1&f=1" style="border: 0px; color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; height: 163px; left: -50%; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; max-width: none; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-indent: -9999px; top: -50%; vertical-align: middle; width: auto;" /></span></div>
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
When you are a betrayed wife in trauma cooking his meals and doing
his laundry becomes hateful tasks. Even though you are a stay-at-home
wife and he provides for the family. The thought of being wife-y is
nauseating.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Don't
judge me for being a litle hateful after all these years of lying,
cheating, hooking-up, whoring respect H gave to me...... I'm trying to
purge pain.</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I got a text for H on Tuesday with his laundry list for the week was a bit hard to swallow on the heals of his disclosure Sunday night.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I wanted to throw up</div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">on him and his laundry list</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;">He wants copies of 6 months of paid bills when we sit down to talk about the finances.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
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</div>
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</div>
<div class="iholder">
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<div class="iholder">
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<img alt="<b>Stupid</b> <b>Questions</b> To <b>Ask</b> In An Interview" src="http://www.timsackett.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Insert-Brain-Here.jpg" style="height: 225px; width: 300px;" /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm mad.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Mad at being lied to these past months.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm mad that we've basically be fooling our ward family.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm mad that my life is going to drastically be different now in my church family. I don't want to be the 'divorced sister' in the ward.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm mad that he can't stay clean and sober.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm mad that he cannot be honest and get the help he needs.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm mad that he tried to blame our problems on me.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm mad that our children will now be from a divorced home. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm mad that my needs for friendship, love, intimacy, connection are ignored and discounted in addiction and now need shelved as I go through the next years without a husband.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I'm mad that I will be losing yet another home (This makes my third one because of his addiction.)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">So much loss. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-59494062175005769912016-02-01T19:24:00.000-08:002016-02-01T19:27:25.608-08:00It Is Finished!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://img1.etsystatic.com/054/0/10816371/il_fullxfull.749249427_osgp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://img1.etsystatic.com/054/0/10816371/il_fullxfull.749249427_osgp.jpg" width="249" /></a></div>
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Booyah!!! </div>
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Wouldn't it be the best liar cure <i>e.v.e.r. </i>?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sunday afternoon after church we had a little issue with H and D. I don't know why I try to reason with H when these things happen. It is always pointless.</div>
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This time, it took an interesting twist...</div>
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<br /></div>
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...a disclosure</div>
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When I liar owns a lie -- are they ever really telling the whole truth?</div>
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Is unlying really truth telling.</div>
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If an addict admits (because I don't really believe H is owning) a relapse, is he telling the truth?</div>
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<br /></div>
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I don't know about other addicts, but with H admission always includes, "if <i>you</i> had not....__(fill in any blame shift of choice here)_____". </div>
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<br /></div>
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Is it really the truth if there is blameshifting or gas lighting?</div>
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In the Healing Through Christ manual family members are taught during their step 9 work to not excuse an apology. I think that instruction applies to owning a slip or relapse. Right? Wrong? </div>
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If you have a broken addict brain -- you might rationalize and justify your admission.</div>
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Or at least H does.</div>
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I wouldn't hear it. </div>
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Stop! Just stop!</div>
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You lied!</div>
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You tried to make me out to be the problem.</div>
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This is your mess. Your problem.</div>
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As I sat at the island Sunday evening listening to H explain his behavior I felt myself physically exhale. I've been holding my breath 19 months on this issue. I've seen the signs; anger, denial, meanness. I've asked, only to hear blantant lies in response. I've caught him. Denied it to myself, pretending to live like everything is just fine.</div>
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Only it hasn't been.</div>
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I know he's acting out. </div>
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I don't know how much or how bad.</div>
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I just know.</div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Sometimes I wish my gut wasn't so loud -- or so right.</span></div>
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"So who is it'? I asked.</div>
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"Is it more than one? Do you have several tapes you play?"</div>
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I grilled him like this for a bit.</div>
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I was hurt.</div>
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Of course, I wanted to know.</div>
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And then relief flooded over me.</div>
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It isn't me.</div>
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I'm not the crazy one.</div>
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I knew.</div>
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It was exactly what I saw when I walked into your room.</div>
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I couldn't sleep.</div>
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I couldn't eat.</div>
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I tossed and turned..</div>
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I hate betrayal trauma.</div>
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This morning...</div>
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I called my sponsor - check</div>
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I called my therapist - check</div>
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I called a lawyer - check!</div>
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I had a good talk with my therapist. She helped me to see and feel the peace of my decision. </div>
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Was I anxious? No, there will be unknowns, but the decision feels right.</div>
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Was there conflict in my head/heart? No. I wasn't torn.</div>
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She promised me she'd help me with the co-dependent-getting-sucked-back-in that always happens when H is really sorry. (Not trying to be nasty here. He feels bad, I know that. Just not bad enought to get help, or be honest with me).</div>
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I know I didn't get the truth last night.</div>
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I don't expect it.</div>
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Addicts lie -- and minimize.</div>
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Today it doesn't matter.</div>
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The decision is past.</div>
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It is finished!</div>
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-86383107312152933912016-01-28T14:29:00.001-08:002016-01-28T14:31:18.540-08:00Finding A New NormalNow that Hunter's funeral is past and his earthly remains have been laid to rest in wait of the resurrection, I am thinking of that new normal.<br />
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I am looking forward to feeling like normal again, though I doubt it will be anytime soon.</div>
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I'm not sure I will recognize it if it happens.</div>
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Have I ever known normal?</div>
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It has been just a little over 20 days since I posted about the four-month warning I gave H. Can I even go back to that warning now in light of everything that has happened the last the past 15 days?</div>
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To say that trauma and I know each other well -- is an understatement. </div>
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Issuing warnings are traumatic.</div>
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Losing babies is traumatic.</div>
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Addicts cause trauma.</div>
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Marriage is trauma for me.</div>
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Trauma makes it difficult to think </div>
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So I look for my answers from people who have been there. They've gone before me and walked the path I am trying to figure out.</div>
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/search/top/?q=sa%20lifeline" target="_blank">this</a> really helps me see H's behavior in persepective with addiction recovery.</div>
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Three times they say that we cannot help or protect children if we aren't in a healthy place. </div>
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For the longest time, that has been the concern that lays heaviest on my heart.</div>
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My child.</div>
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This addiction is destroying my child.</div>
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Our home is unhealthy.</div>
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Our child is suffering.</div>
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I have been looking over <a href="http://salifeline.org/salifeline.org/Flyers/Recovery_Brochure_P9_Spreads_4.pdf" target="_blank">this</a> chart.</div>
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Over</div>
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and over</div>
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and over..........</div>
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This comment on the chart I liked above keeps hitting me broadside:</div>
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"<span style="font-family: "timesnewromanpsmt"; font-size: 11pt;">Try as they may, unhealthy parents cannot shield
children from the collateral damage of addiction and
</span><span style="font-family: "timesnewromanpsmt"; font-size: 11pt;">betrayal trauma. This idea has been reaffirmed after
</span><span style="font-family: "timesnewromanpsmt"; font-size: 11pt;">two decades of research by The American Academy of
Pediatrics who issued a landmark warning that toxic
stress can harm children for life. “You can modify
behavior later, but you can’t rewire disrupted brain
circuits,” says Jack P. Shonkoff, a Harvard pediatrician
</span><span style="font-family: "timesnewromanpsmt"; font-size: 11pt;">who has been a leader in this field."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "timesnewromanpsmt";"><span style="font-size: 15px;">It's time to determine what I need to see in April so I can know if the warning was headed or if time is up.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "timesnewromanpsmt";"><span style="font-size: 15px;">What does recovery look like for you?</span></span></div>
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-17276511462109509022016-01-21T17:39:00.000-08:002016-01-21T17:39:12.671-08:00Me? A Go Fund Me?<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Desperate times call for desperate measures. Right? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Is that how that saying goes? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I don't know. I'll look it up one day. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Right now, what I do know is that more expenses have to be paid the funeral home upfront than we have resources to bear.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">So here I am on my blog to plug my gofundme.com account.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If you can help -- even just a little. I know God will bless you. </span></div>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/Gofund%20Me%20for%20Hunter:%20https://www.gofundme.com/aqk9j9b8" target="_blank">Hunter's Funeral Expenses</a></div>
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I know what comes around goes around. </div>
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I believe that good works and acts of kindness bless both the giver and the receiver.</div>
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I hope that all those who have donated already or who will will be touched by the grace of God.</div>
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Thank you for indulging me and my pain and pleas this past week.</div>
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-27209294109652961422016-01-19T14:43:00.000-08:002016-01-28T14:32:38.555-08:00Hello Grief, My Old Friend!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #191919;">"There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms." </span><span style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #191919; font-weight: 700; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Charlotte Brontë</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">I wish I had one of these about 6 trillion times ten years ago. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">I wish I had a place to hang my </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">pain out where every one could see. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Instead, I hid me. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">My husband couldn't deal with it and told everyone around me -- even at church -- to just leave me alone. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Or why I wouldn't take a calling or stay in Relief Society. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Grief -- and baby loss are just way too familiar to me.</span></span><br />
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</span></span><a href="https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm4.staticflickr.com%2F3564%2F3329615337_e253bef6f2_z.jpg&f=1" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Now this grief isn't about me. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">And this is a whole new kind of pain.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #191919;"><i>"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it." </i>Arthur Golden</span></span></span><br />
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<a href="http://i139.photobucket.com/albums/q310/janinewall1981/infertilitymiscarriage.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="http://i139.photobucket.com/albums/q310/janinewall1981/infertilitymiscarriage.gif" height="290" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">I didn't realize there was a ribbon for miscarriage. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Its the same for stillbirth too.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Grief is all around me now.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">In so many different forms and coming from so many different sized people.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">It comes out of everyone differently.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">While that is happening, I'm wondering where to put mine.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;"><i>“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” </i></span></span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;">― </span><a class="authorOrTitle" href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/947.William_Shakespeare" style="color: #333333; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">William Shakespeare</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;">, </span><span id="quote_book_link_8852" style="color: #181818; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif; font-size: 14px;"><a class="authorOrTitle" href="https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1896522" style="color: #333333; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Macbeth</a></span></span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">7 days ago I was worried about the last assignments due for that week of school. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">It was week 1 (actually it was the second week, but they call that the introduction and begin with number 1 the second week).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">I worried about when the baby would come and how to manage two toddlers, my homeschooler, and two parents that know how to take advantage of their parent-free time (D</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">on't rail on me here for saying this -- it is honest truth no matter how much I adore my little imps).</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">I know I'm lucky to have them all the time. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">I never have to share time with other grands.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">7 days ago seems like someone else's life today.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Today some one I didn't know I loved -- is gone. </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO6olz4Gg_JzGRlMDnSVkNNdrqcYXBbol5fRshsL5jG-tcnCYE6B2695_X-r_Wjtq4VYFgYuMPP_2rmavYTslqbNYJpAeX1dhU8QBSoE_C7goiqSRJjcmPMVjl0ocWAQAqcQJzIUSspfmI/s1600/IMG_1574.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO6olz4Gg_JzGRlMDnSVkNNdrqcYXBbol5fRshsL5jG-tcnCYE6B2695_X-r_Wjtq4VYFgYuMPP_2rmavYTslqbNYJpAeX1dhU8QBSoE_C7goiqSRJjcmPMVjl0ocWAQAqcQJzIUSspfmI/s200/IMG_1574.JPG" width="150" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">I thought my heart might break in that moment.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Such a familiar pain.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">One that belonged only to me just ten years earlier.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">And yet, your child loosing a child feels worse.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Today, I am not the same as I was a week ago.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Birth</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">and death</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">have altered me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Grief - oh how well I know you -- </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Grief is a response to loss. Grief is the emotion you feel when something or someone is taken from you. The more emotionally involved you are the more significant the grief/loss can be. Everyone experiences grief differentlyGrief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one—which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief—but any loss can cause grief, including:</span></div>
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<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><a href="http://helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm" style="color: #97350e; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Divorce or relationship breakup</span></a></li>
<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Loss of health</span></li>
<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><a href="http://helpguide.org/life/unemployment_job_loss_stress_coping_tips.htm" style="color: #97350e; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Losing a job</span></a></li>
<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Loss of financial stability</span></li>
<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A miscarriage</span></li>
<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Retirement</span></li>
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<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><a href="http://helpguide.org/mental/grieving_pets.htm" style="color: #97350e; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Death of a pet</span></a></li>
<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Loss of a cherished dream</span></li>
<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A loved one’s serious illness</span></li>
<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Loss of a friendship</span></li>
<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><a href="http://helpguide.org/mental/disaster_recovery_trauma_stress_coping.htm" style="color: #97350e; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Loss of safety after a trauma</span></a></li>
<li style="line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0px; padding: 2px 0px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Selling the family home</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or retiring from a career you loved.</span></div>
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<span class="yiv7056737234" id="yiv7056737234yui_3_16_0_1_1453231774516_13401" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica"; font-size: 14px;">Consider the lilies of the field, How they grow, how they grow. </span></i></span></span><br />
<span class="yiv7056737234" style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>Consider the birds in the sky, How they fly, how they fly.</i></span><br />
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<span class="yiv7056737234" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica"; font-size: 14px;"><span class="yiv7056737234" id="yiv7056737234yui_3_16_0_1_1453231774516_13407" style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky. </i></span></span></span><br />
<span class="yiv7056737234" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica"; font-size: 14px;"><span class="yiv7056737234" style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>And He will feed those who trust Him, And guide them with His eye.</i></span></span><br />
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<span class="yiv7056737234" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica"; font-size: 14px;"><span class="yiv7056737234">Now this will be a piece of my life </span></span></span><br />
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<span class="yiv7056737234" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica"; font-size: 14px;"><span class="yiv7056737234"><br /></span></span>WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-73806563628556161092016-01-16T21:57:00.001-08:002016-01-28T14:32:21.247-08:00A Tragic LossIt was supposed to be such a joyous time for the family.<br />
Grand babies are supposed to bring excitement into the world with them.<br />
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This time it is not to be.<br />
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I'm so mad!<br />
The hurt. Oh how this hurts!<br />
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His name is Hunter Collin.<br />
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He tried so hard to come into this world, but it was not to be.<br />
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Born 10:10 PM January 14, 2016<br />
Time of Death: 10:45 January 14, 2016<br />
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We are supposed to be celebrating.<br />
We're supposed to be happy.<br />
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And now..<br />
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We are just numb and hurting and crying and asking why.....<br />
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The rains descended as I left the hospital Friday morning after sitting all night holding my grief stricken children.<br />
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I went home to shower and get a few things for them. <br />
I needed to shower to hide my tears.<br />
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Friday was bitterly cold.<br />
The wind bit through me as I walked back inside the hospital to face this tragedy.<br />
I didn't care.<br />
I hurt already.<br />
<br />
Today the sun was out.<br />
It was cold, but the sun still beckoned -- calling on our faith and hope.<br />
<br />
I'm working on that.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow is the Sabbath.<br />
I'll go to church with my box of tissue.<br />
People will talk to me that never do.<br />
I'll try not to let that anger me.<br />
I'll try to ignore the things they say that come out wrong. The mean well.<br />
I'll try to smile, but mostly I will just cry.<br />
<br />
I've been in this place before with my own son and 5 other babies that were not meant to be.<br />
Children that you long 9 months for --<br />
<br />
-- but do not come home with you.<br />
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There is nothing worse!<br />
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<br />WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-63748207274667331722016-01-06T15:50:00.000-08:002016-01-07T15:51:40.132-08:00The 4 Month Warning<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's finally happened.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I got brave and issued a</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">On April 4, 2016 it will be 2 years.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Two years since H called me on the phone, crying, pleading, begging for me to give him another chance. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I wanted to throw up when I heard that plea.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I'd been there so many times before. I know how it always goes. The promises sounds so sincere. The tears seem so genuine. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">But a month (if that) later and it is the same angry addict.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">(I know there is a little bitterness here in this tone -- forgive that -- its been 27 years of this)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I believed him. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I always do.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">But oh, I was scared. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">For weeks my hands shook. I had this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and I questioned. Boy, did I question myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Don't judge me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I may be crazy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Or it may be that it is freaking hard to tell if you have lived up to those covenants -- all the way!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">How much is too much? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">When can I stop listening to those voices in my head that guilt me?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Is two years enough to see some change?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">is going to church repentance? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Is stopping acting out recovery?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">2015 was hell. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">No matter what I did. No matter how hard I tried to reason. No matter how much I tried to explain or teach -- it fell on deaf ears and a hard heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I just want peace.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I just want someone who I can work with. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He doesn't have to be perfect -- just humble. Reasonable. Attempting to be kind and Christlike.</span><br />
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">There never is a knot in my stomach when I get to this point. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Just relief.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">What keeps me tied to this rat wheel is......</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> -- two kids</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> -- two houses</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> -- bills</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> -- car payments</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> -- the list goes on</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It is difficult to get rid of property right now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I refuse to just pack up and walk away. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I've already lost too much being in this marriage.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I won't lose this!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I'm stuck.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">But I gave him the warning.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I said he had until April 4th to get his miracle to happen.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I believe in miracles. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I pray for them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I'm going to have to pray...hard....if he makes it happen. I haven't loved him for years with all his other women and porn in the way of those emotions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Eighty-eight days.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">That is all he has.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He had 730 days.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">But he quit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He quit counseling.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He quit working his recovery. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> (I know he's working a lot and its difficult -- but where are his priorities? Where is his commitment to change and to those promises he made two years ago?)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">He's not even working on getting baptized again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It was May the last time we saw the Stake President. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Maybe it's their fault.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Aren't they supposed to be helping him?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Maybe it's mine?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I don't know.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Where does help and support for the lost sheep stop and his commitments and efforts begin?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It just doesn't feel right any more. Waiting on him. Waiting for it to matter to him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">And I hate that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I know the Savior never gave up on any of us. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I know all this pain and suffering has already been paid for.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I don't believe in the 'I don't deserve this' concept.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I just don't know what to do with all these feelings that this isn't right any more.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If you have any wise advice.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">If you can read thought the hurt and bitterness and snark to see that I have worked hard at this marriage. I have prayed over it. I have been to the temple. I have put our names on prayer rolls countless times. I have tried.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It feels like a </span><br />
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-66665727070028841202015-12-31T22:52:00.001-08:002015-12-31T22:53:01.409-08:00Happy New Year!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It is happening -- the end and the beginning merging together. <br />
It is a time to ponder what was and ponder what will be.<br />
It is looking back with and forward.<br />
It is planning.<br />
It is organizing.<br />
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For some, it is praying this will be the year when he gets it. The year he gives up what has been dragging him and everyone around him down. The year addiction does not consume all our energy.<br />
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What ever your new year brings you, I hope it is more joy and more peace.<br />
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<br />WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-53751146278099226892015-12-27T09:33:00.001-08:002015-12-27T09:36:21.892-08:00I Want Normal!For the past few weeks "I Want Normal!" has been my battle cry. <br />
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I want a normal life.<br />
I want a normal husband.<br />
I want to be a normal family at church.<br />
I want to celebrate a normal Christmas.<br />
I want NORMAL!<br />
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My life is anything but normal. If I was smart, I would get out my 12-step tools and use some of them to help me through this current struggle. <br />
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I don't know -- that might be too easy...'let go and let God' and all.<br />
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For the past 20 month's since my husband's return I have been looking for that time when I would be ok with the decision. I just haven't. Every issue, every situation, every upset has been a reminder of why we separated in the first place. It got so bad one day I locked myself in the bathroom and cried out to God, 'Is it time for me to go yet?"<br />
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I think Christmas cinched it for me when we got back from celebrating with family, H bolted into the house and right up to his room and went to bed.<br />
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What????? Seriously? Um? Christmas Eve? Did you forget something? Something freakin' important?<br />
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Maybe I'm being a big brat here. I mean, I usually do it all myself. Except that he is usually watching a movie with me. He's usually in the family room -- where I am working. He's usually NOT upstairs in his room asleep like it is any other night of the year!<br />
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And then there were the photos of friends of ours on Facebook that made this all hurt worse. They just had their last child get married. Technically they have been empty-nesters for a few years, but now it is official. He posted pictures of their cute little Christmas Eve celebration, complete with cookie decorating together and snuggling with matching pj's on the couch together. <br />
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I'm feeling the loss even deeper. 3.5 years and D will be gone. It will just be me and ?? <br />
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I'm losing hope in something like this:<br />
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<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/subscribe?clicksrc=inline_thumb" id="inline_image_link" style="background-color: white; color: #c2e1ed; cursor: pointer; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; padding-bottom: 1px; text-align: center; text-decoration: none;"><img align="absmiddle" border="0" class="thumb_image" src="http://thumb1.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/844231/844231,1327938889,4/stock-vector-vector-illustration-of-happy-and-active-old-couple-on-walk-in-winter-building-snowman-and-holding-93911032.jpg" id="inline_image" style="border: none;" /></a><br />
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I don't know -- 27 years of despair are pretty hard to keep bottled up.<br />
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I was watching 'The Theory of Everything" the other day. Have you seen it? It is the story of Stephen Hawking's life. (warning) I was triggered at first -- the girl is in love and willing to put up with anything to get the guy -- even knowing he only has two years to live.<br />
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**snif<br />
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Of course he beats all odds and then the reality of the we-are-so-in-love-we-can-battle-anything sets in. First there is a guy that floats her boat -- and then a woman that floats his. It is how the world sees marriage -- when it gets too hard you move on.<br />
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I could feel the woman's despair.<br />
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I'm not wired like that woman. I've stuck this out for so long now because of covenants. I've had to work though all the painful reality of why I keep mine even if he doesn't keep his. I've tried to 'let go and let God.' H's crimes are not my sins to pay for. Even if it destroys our marriage -- I won't let it destroy me. I can still be a kind person. I can still try to make a happy home.<br />
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<a href="http://www.dreamstime.com/photos-images/angry-couple.html#" style="color: #246eac; font-family: Verdana, Helvetica, Arial; font-size: 16px; outline: 0px; text-align: justify; text-decoration: none;"><img class="dt-photo" src="http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/x/angry-couple-sitting-back-to-each-other-young-hard-quarrel-their-many-debts-home-financial-family-problems-concept-51833498.jpg" style="border-width: 0px; width: 300px;" /></a> <br />
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You can't force happy.<br />
It has to come from within the individual.<br />
All the baking, decorating, and fussing about the home to make everything perfect for everyone else -- will only be perfect if <i>they </i>choose.<br />
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I keep hearing <a href="https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2009-01-03-come-what-may-and-love-it?lang=eng" target="_blank">Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's words</a> in my head<br />
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<a class="irc_mil i3597" data-noload="" data-ved="0ahUKEwjx8aLLyPzJAhUHzmMKHSOvCJkQjRwIBw" href="http://www.landeeseelandeedo.com/2013/04/come-what-may-and-love-it-printable.html" jsaction="mousedown:irc.rl;keydown:irc.rlk" style="border: 0px; color: #660099; cursor: pointer; font-family: arial, sans-serif; outline: 0px; text-align: center;"><img class="irc_mi" src="http://www.landeeseelandeedo.com/wp-content/uploads/blogger/-j2Yw1NOCSY4/UXdllRsxcAI/AAAAAAAACCI/EEWz9oKFusM/s1600/Come%2BWhat%2BMay%2BPrintable%2B8x10%2Bwatermark.jpg" height="494" style="-webkit-background-size: 21px; -webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.65098) 0px 5px 35px; background-color: white; background-image: -webkit-linear-gradient(45deg, rgb(239, 239, 239) 25%, transparent 25%, transparent 75%, rgb(239, 239, 239) 75%, rgb(239, 239, 239)), -webkit-linear-gradient(45deg, rgb(239, 239, 239) 25%, transparent 25%, transparent 75%, rgb(239, 239, 239) 75%, rgb(239, 239, 239)); background-position: 0px 0px, 10px 10px; background-size: 21px; border: 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.65098) 0px 5px 35px; margin-top: 0px;" width="395" /></a><br />
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I know I am supposed to see things this way. I know I'm supposed to keep trying and stay happy -- no matter what -- but I am weary of it being always me<br />
<br />WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-79635229184068666692015-12-23T14:41:00.002-08:002015-12-23T14:46:43.435-08:00Merry Christmas Wishes!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://graphicdesignjunction.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/christmas+vector+background+graphics+10.jpg" style="border: 0px; color: black; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; margin-top: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><img alt="Christmas Vector Background Graphics" height="556" scale="2" src="https://i2.wp.com/graphicdesignjunction.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/christmas+vector+background+graphics+10.jpg" srcset="https://i2.wp.com/graphicdesignjunction.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/christmas+vector+background+graphics+10.jpg?zoom=2 2x" style="border: 0px; height: auto; margin: 0px 0px 5px; max-width: 100%; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" title="Free Christmas Background Graphics 10" width="469" /></a></div>
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This has been a difficult Christmas for me. I'm not sure where the spirit of the season is this year. I keep longingly looking for it. Even as I sat in my services this past Sunday. I wanted so much to feel. I even had several parts to participate in -- nothing. I wasn't even on my game for those either. </div>
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At first I thought it was the late start I got due to not finishing the semester until the 17th. Which kept me from finishing my decorating. I only put up one tree. My collection of snowmen are still chillin' away in the basement. In fact, all the boxes of decor are still scattered about in disaray downstairs. I am still trying to get all my lights up outside even as I write this. </div>
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Maybe it just isn't my year.</div>
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Still, one thing I do know, without a doubt -- even minus my Christmas joy -- and that is that Christ did come to this earth to suffer for the sins of mankind. He came and because he did -- he knows the pain in my heart and the longing I have for His love -- even as broken as I am this year. </div>
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You've probably already viewed this piece several times over the course of your Christmas preparations, but I want to log it in here as much for me as for you. I never want to forget, even in all my pain that the world DOES indeed have a Savior. He came for you and for me. For the joyous times and for the times when our hearts are turned inside out and shattered. </div>
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Where ever you are this Christmas, I pray God's light shines upon you, that you feel wrapped in the arms of the Savior and know that his mission was to save each of us -- if we let him.</div>
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<img alt="Wise men came from the east, looking for the one predicted by the star" border="0" src="http://www.gospelgifs.com/art_pages_14/images/3wise01.gif" height="285" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 11px;" width="400" /></div>
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Wise men still seek Him</div>
WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-44311666910046003242015-11-26T11:31:00.000-08:002015-11-26T11:31:19.897-08:00Happy Thanksgiving<div style="text-align: center;">
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-68680872943713529752015-11-16T16:23:00.000-08:002015-11-16T16:32:19.177-08:00An Unexpected Piece of InspirationI am too familiar with that feeling that something is off and not quite right. Some call it a 'gut feeling' others inspiration. Whatever you call it, if you've lived with addiction, or if you have a tender sensitivity to the Spirit, it's likely this is a familiar feeling to you as well.<br />
<br />
The <a href="http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/09/gut-feeling.aspx" target="_blank">American Psychological Association</a> said this about the gut feeling: "With a sophisticated neural network transmitting messages from trillions
of bacteria, the brain in your gut exerts a powerful influence over the
one in your head."<br />
<br />
Don't you love that explanation? (read the whole article when you get a chance -- it's fascinating.)<br />
<br />
Up until 20 months ago, this feeling it the gut warned me of the possibilities that H wasn't telling the truth about his whereabouts, or about the page on the computer he just shut down, or that phone call. I appreciated those warning triggers -- afterwards. When they hit, they usually brought with them some other unpleasant emotions, like fear and a physical sense that I was going to be sick. <br />
<br />
Now, it seems those gut warnings are for another purpose. One I am just now discovering.<br />
<br />
Now they are helping me sort through the emotional abuse I am getting when H and I discuss the right or wrong of an approaching issue.<br />
<br />
It could be whether we should do something on the Sabbath. It could be an issue with kids, even with a bill. Or it could just be during the regular course of our conversations where anger and meanness are his go to M.O.<br />
<br />
The past little while have been pretty rough in this latter area. We've had a particular issue that needed addressing. We were not getting any where together. Usually H tells and I just acquiesce. I don't like when that happens. I feel dismissed and discounted and that I will 'pay' if I don't do as H demands.<br />
<br />
And that is just <i>wrong!</i><br />
<br />
In my gut I knew this issue I kept running into was wrong. When I'm bullied, and feel intimidated, I can't get the words out to properly defend myself. (I'm sure that is a good thing. Flying back at H with cruelty isn't a good idea, but the alternative is a sense of powerlessness).<br />
<i> </i><br />
Today, I was given a little gift and a little understanding. <br />
<br />
It came via an assignment from my religion instructor, in the form of <a href="https://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/06/counseling-together-in-marriage?lang=eng" target="_blank">this address</a>.<br />
<br />
It's called "Counseling Together in Marriage" by Randy Keyes.<br />
<br />
It's excellent.<br />
<br />
It filled in all the hurting, painful, places H has made recently in things he's said to me when he and I try to talk.<br />
<br />
Today, I realize, for the first time, all this effort on my part to make sure I've done everything I can -- can not encompass H's side of things.<br />
<br />
Today, for the first time, in a long time, I feel a sense of freedom.<br />
<br />
All this is not on me.<br />
<br />
I knew this, in a logical sense. But when things aren't going right between us, it feels like it is all my fault. I'm the one who needs to change or lighten up or something.<br />
<br />
<br />
Recently, H told me it was asking too much of him to expect him to read scriptures on top of everything else he does. (He does work two jobs right now to help support our Marine's son's family. There is no discounting how difficult that is for him). I am also not trying to force the issue of personal scripture study. If he doesn't have a interest or desire for that, I accept that.<br />
<br />
What is important to me, is knowing where he is with the gospel and spirituality. For me, this discord, does not work. For years I made the choice to accept his approach to spiritual matters and not let that be an issue between us. Adding this to the sex addiction and we are just drifting down different value paths. <br />
<br />
<br />
I loved this part, "<i>The husband is accountable for growth and happiness in his marriage, but this accountability does not give him authority over his wife."</i><br />
<br />
<br />
When H tell me, "<i>I just can't talk to you!"</i> <br />
That is N. O.T. on me.<br />
<br />
<br />
I really am and have been trying to help make this marriage better.<br />
But how do I do that without his help?<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"> ..and when I wasn't the one who brought all the pain and ugliness of addiction into our relationship?</span><br />
<br />
<br />
Where does this leave me? <br />
<br />
I wish I knew.<br />
<br />
H thinks I'm going to broadcast all of this to the High Council (his reason for not working on getting re-baptized).<br />
<br />
Seriously?<br />
<br />
I still live in crazy town.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
For now, it is giving me something to think about a little more and pray about a little more specifically. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-26520498684106974822015-11-12T07:36:00.002-08:002015-11-12T07:36:46.613-08:00A Letter to My Husband<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447265436066_4246" style="background-color: white; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
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<i>*I sent this via email to my husband yesterday after being hit upside the head with a does of reality. My reality. I'm not sure it will do any good. I just need it recorded that I tried. </i></div>
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H --</div>
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I had a little dose of reality that I am really struggling with. I hope, in my limited way, to help you see what I saw in a recent visit to the Church's membership app.</div>
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The Church updated the LDS Tools app where all the stake and ward membership information can be found. The update is pretty cool. Heads of families now have access to blessing dates, baptism dates, missionary information, sealings,etc. No one, but the family heads can see this. Members in a ward or stake can only see phone/address info. </div>
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The issue I had, occurred when trying to open up you details. Nothing is there. You have been blotted out from the kingdom. </div>
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It was an startling reality. I know they keep your name on the list because you are married to me and I am a member. </div>
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Other than that -- there is nothing.</div>
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26+ years of effort and prayer and today there is nothing. </div>
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Its been 20 momths. </div>
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Where are you in your progress towards returning to the fold? </div>
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What is going on inside of you with your desire to be counted (named) with the Saints? </div>
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I fear this is like every other problem we have -- while the fire is hot you focus on it. When things settle down you turn your attention away. </div>
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I'm not sure why I have the sense your continued status as an excommunicated member does not bother you.</div>
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I do.</div>
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How long has it been since you were able to take the sacrament?</div>
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How long has it been since you were able to hold a calling and help build the kingdom?</div>
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How long has it been since you could offer a prayer in a meeting on behalf of the members of your ward?</div>
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How long has it been since you could add your vote of consent to callings or releases?</div>
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In my mind -- these are tragedies.</div>
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I might suggest (your call) that you do a personal inventory and see where you are with yourself and with the Lord. When you know -- maybe you can help the Stake President to see.</div>
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I'm attaching links to a few talks by Elder Oaks that may help get a fire lit under this again. </div>
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This first one -- may help you evaluate where you are in your recovery process. </div>
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<a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447265436066_4286" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; color: blue; cursor: text !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank">Pornography - Dallin H. Oaks</a></div>
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<a class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-card-urlWrapper yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447265436066_4349" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; cursor: pointer !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank"><img alt="image" class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-thumbnail-image yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799yahoo-ignore-inline-image" data-id="d8893aaf-9632-b5e2-781c-cd13f668380d" height="168" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447265436066_4348" src="https://s.yimg.com/vv//api/res/1.2/k7RbPlumQGcPU2zAVDsTAg--/YXBwaWQ9bWFpbDtmaT1maWxsO2g9MTY4O3c9MTY4/https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/images/leaders/dallin-h-oaks-10.jpg.cf.jpg" style="border: none; cursor: pointer !important; display: block; margin: auto;" width="168" /></a></div>
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<tr id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447265436066_4340"><td class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" colspan="2" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447265436066_4339" style="border-spacing: 2px; vertical-align: middle; width: 245px;"><div class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-text-part yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447265436066_4338" style="height: 135px; line-height: 16.5px; width: 245px;">
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<span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799icon yiv9350643799icon-shrink yiv9350643799link-enhancr-toggle"></span><span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799icon yiv9350643799icon-close yiv9350643799link-enhancr-delete"></span><a class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-card-urlWrapper yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_41981" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; cursor: pointer !important; display: block; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank"><span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-card-title" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_41980" style="display: inline-block; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 3px; max-height: 43px; overflow: hidden;">Pornography - Dallin H. Oaks</span></a><div class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-card-description yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_42014" style="color: #999999; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; max-height: 81px; overflow: hidden;">
Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of pornography.</div>
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<a class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-card-url yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_43133" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; cursor: pointer !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank"><span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-view-on" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447265436066_4302" style="display: inline-block; line-height: 11px; max-height: 13px; max-width: 145px; min-width: 85px; overflow: hidden;"><span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-mobile-no-resize" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_43132" style="color: #999999; font-size: 9px; line-height: 11px; vertical-align: middle;">View on <span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-view-on-domain" style="font-weight: bold;">www.lds.org</span></span></span></a></div>
</td><td class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" style="border-spacing: 2px; font-family: Arial, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: middle; width: 100px;"><div class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-preview-wrapper" style="font-size: 0pt; line-height: 11px; max-height: 13px; max-width: 100px; min-width: 80px; overflow: hidden; text-align: right;">
<span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-preview-by yiv9350643799link-enhancr-mobile-no-resize" style="color: #999999; font-size: 9px; line-height: 11px; vertical-align: middle;">Preview by Yahoo</span></div>
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<tr id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_42017"><td class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" colspan="2" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_42016" style="border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 2px; font-size: 0pt; height: 9px;"><div class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_42015" style="font-size: 9pt; height: 9px;">
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This second one -- is a great talk for those who struggle and how the Lord helps ease our struggles</div>
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<a href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/he-heals-the-heavy-laden?lang=eng" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447265436066_4359" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; color: blue; cursor: text !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank">He Heals the Heavy Laden - Dallin H. Oaks</a></div>
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<tr class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_41996"><td class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" rowspan="5" style="background-color: #e5e5e5; border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 2px; font-size: 1pt; width: 1px;"><div class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" style="font-size: 1pt; width: 1px;">
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</td><td class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-image-wrap yiv9350643799enhancr-image-crop" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_41995" rowspan="5" style="border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 2px; height: 168px; vertical-align: middle; width: 168px;"><div align="center" class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_41994" style="width: 168px;">
<a class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-card-urlWrapper yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/he-heals-the-heavy-laden?lang=eng" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_41993" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; cursor: pointer !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank"><img alt="image" class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-thumbnail-image yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799yahoo-ignore-inline-image" data-id="daf2a3e5-850b-aaa4-ae98-5442750124b3" height="168" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_41992" src="https://s.yimg.com/vv//api/res/1.2/k7RbPlumQGcPU2zAVDsTAg--/YXBwaWQ9bWFpbDtmaT1maWxsO2g9MTY4O3c9MTY4/https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/images/leaders/dallin-h-oaks-10.jpg.cf.jpg" style="border: none; cursor: pointer !important; display: block; margin: auto;" width="168" /></a></div>
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<tr id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_3063"><td class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" colspan="2" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_3062" style="border-spacing: 2px; vertical-align: middle; width: 245px;"><div class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-text-part yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_3061" style="height: 135px; line-height: 16.5px; width: 245px;">
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<span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799icon yiv9350643799icon-shrink yiv9350643799link-enhancr-toggle"></span><span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799icon yiv9350643799icon-close yiv9350643799link-enhancr-delete"></span><a class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-card-urlWrapper yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/he-heals-the-heavy-laden?lang=eng" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_42007" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; cursor: pointer !important; display: block; font-size: 18px; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank"><span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-card-title" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_42008" style="display: inline-block; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 3px; max-height: 43px; overflow: hidden;">He Heals the Heavy Laden - Dallin H. Oaks</span></a><div class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-card-description yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_42005" style="color: #999999; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px; max-height: 81px; overflow: hidden;">
The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ … is available for every affliction in mortality.</div>
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<a class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-card-url yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" href="https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/he-heals-the-heavy-laden?lang=eng" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; cursor: pointer !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank"><span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-view-on" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447265436066_4375" style="display: inline-block; line-height: 11px; max-height: 13px; max-width: 145px; min-width: 85px; overflow: hidden;"><span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-mobile-no-resize" style="color: #999999; font-size: 9px; line-height: 11px; vertical-align: middle;">View on <span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-view-on-domain" style="font-weight: bold;">www.lds.org</span></span></span></a></div>
</td><td class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" style="border-spacing: 2px; font-family: Arial, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: middle; width: 100px;"><div class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-preview-wrapper" style="font-size: 0pt; line-height: 11px; max-height: 13px; max-width: 100px; min-width: 80px; overflow: hidden; text-align: right;">
<span class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element yiv9350643799link-enhancr-preview-by yiv9350643799link-enhancr-mobile-no-resize" style="color: #999999; font-size: 9px; line-height: 11px; vertical-align: middle;">Preview by Yahoo</span></div>
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<tr id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_72020"><td class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" colspan="2" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1447340004582_72019" style="border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 2px; font-size: 0pt; height: 9px;"><div class="yiv9350643799link-enhancr-element" style="font-size: 9pt; height: 9px;">
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This one is a talk by Elder Holland given to the student body of BYU (Provo) when he was the president of the university. </div>
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It is a deep and bold address, as Elder Holland is known to give, on human intimacy. It is something I have been hoping we can get to a place to discuss. Some days I feel it will never happen.</div>
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<a class="yiv9350643799" href="http://emp.byui.edu/marrottr/HollndSoulsSymbSacrs.pdf" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447193013252_7910" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; color: #196ad4; cursor: text !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank">http://emp.byui.edu/marrottr/HollndSoulsSymbSacrs.pdf</a></div>
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(-- just as an aside Rhyll Crowshaw shares this address on her addiction recovery website: salifeline.org. {This isn't where I first learned of Holland's talk, though it makes me happy to see it on a recovery site} Here's her little excerpt: <a class="yiv9350643799" href="http://salifeline.org/article/souls-symbols-sacraments/his-recovery" id="yiv9350643799yui_3_16_0_1_1447193013252_7990" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: transparent; color: #196ad4; cursor: text !important; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;" target="_blank">S.A. Lifeline )Foundation</a> )</div>
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On that fated April day when you called me on the phone, pleading for another chance, the instruction I felt I received from the Lord, was to help you find your way back into His fold. I wasn't told this was the marriage for me and I needed to work on it. I wasn't told that you were healed and I would be ok. I wasn't even told there wouldn't be more addiction to deal with. I was told to help you find God and come to know the Savior and the redeeming gift of his Atonement. </div>
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This is the reason for this email.</div>
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I know I can't drag you to heaven, nor do I want to. I see the drift between us continuing to widen in this area. I'm saddened by that. </div>
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I'd like to feel like for once we are progressing together.</div>
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Instead, I feel like this is all there will every be.</div>
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I'm not ok with where we are. </div>
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I wish it bothered you as much as it does me --- or at least bothered you enough to do something about it!</div>
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-32730208601531337192015-09-17T07:59:00.003-07:002015-09-17T13:05:52.769-07:00Togetherness Project ConferenceI know my circle of influence here is small, but it only takes one person talking to another to move the word along.<br />
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Last October I finally got my brave on and my resources together to attend my first Togetherness Conference. I was so scared to go. I wanted to tell everyone so that I could make those connections. I was also afraid something would happen at home with H that would prevent me from taking the trip to Utah to attend the conference. I decided not to tell a soul, but when I got there, people came up to me and introduced themselves. It was like meeting family. I loved it. The presentations were amazing. I wish I could have attended everyone.<br />
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If you haven't attended one of these conferences -- you need to.<br />
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They are amazing!<br />
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Here's the details.<br />
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<span style="color: #515151; font-family: 'Droid Sans',sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; line-height: 21px; text-align: start;">The latest Togetherness Conference is rapidly approaching -- last time it was in Utah it sold out and had to turn people away, so make sure to register today for this life changing event!</span></div>
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<img alt="Inline image 2" class="CToWUd a6T" height="196" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=d10f5feace&view=fimg&th=14fdbcf290220a8e&attid=0.2&disp=emb&realattid=ii_14fd7a11a0c9f091&attbid=ANGjdJ-24_sYoKj4-2Xgq_rj4bCRH7CgWXo_Xx4vvX8dOapTa9y2ptjrF7WFk4ThWdMUuoUTDxKxGhrWIECHVG9bVHZY3JClwqQSmpcl2WSJN--aJlCgSjibrnb3i3I&sz=w1480-h734&ats=1442501841619&rm=14fdbcf290220a8e&zw&atsh=1" style="margin-right: 0px;" tabindex="0" title="fearless" width="400" /></div>
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<span style="color: #5040ae; font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://www.togethernessproject.org/" target="_blank"><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1636441044"><span class="aQJ">OCTOBER 17, 2015</span></span> • SLC, UT</a></span></h2>
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<b style="color: #5040ae; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.5;"><a href="http://www.togethernessproject.org/" target="_blank">Registration includes: </a></b></div>
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<li style="background: url(https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjWufvCwx2CEgkT1RAj4MecnMBumogscOh1zEl6cEn0NGDAVBb03p0-PtzMCy1smfDDT83sWi932_SP3zoxeN4525pQb4NiQqnFtvtGbDHzjNjbd9jHPkka9e9IHV-G9qgpAxJkFxeWol4mUwsC9zYA5GKuhuHuTx56wrNHrnAGN6wTUykWFe-dRHwKAg=s0-d-e1-ft) 0px 1px no-repeat; font-style: italic; list-style: none!important; margin: 3px 0px 13px!important; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 40px!important; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">A day of healing and </span><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">connection with other </span><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">women who, <a href="http://www.togethernessproject.org/community.html" style="color: #6036b1; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" title="">just like you,</a> </span><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">have found themselves </span><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">searching for empathy </span><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">and understanding</span></li>
<li style="background: url(https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjWufvCwx2CEgkT1RAj4MecnMBumogscOh1zEl6cEn0NGDAVBb03p0-PtzMCy1smfDDT83sWi932_SP3zoxeN4525pQb4NiQqnFtvtGbDHzjNjbd9jHPkka9e9IHV-G9qgpAxJkFxeWol4mUwsC9zYA5GKuhuHuTx56wrNHrnAGN6wTUykWFe-dRHwKAg=s0-d-e1-ft) 0px 1px no-repeat; font-style: italic; list-style: none!important; margin: 3px 0px 13px!important; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 40px!important; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><a href="http://www.togethernessproject.org/schedule1.html" style="background-color: initial; color: #6036b1; line-height: 1.5; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" title="">Six breakout sessions</a><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;"> led </span><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">by an </span><a href="http://www.togethernessproject.org/speakers.html" style="background-color: initial; color: #6036b1; line-height: 1.5; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" title="">amazing lineup</a><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;"> of </span><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">presenters and therapist</span><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">s</span></li>
<li style="background: url(https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjWufvCwx2CEgkT1RAj4MecnMBumogscOh1zEl6cEn0NGDAVBb03p0-PtzMCy1smfDDT83sWi932_SP3zoxeN4525pQb4NiQqnFtvtGbDHzjNjbd9jHPkka9e9IHV-G9qgpAxJkFxeWol4mUwsC9zYA5GKuhuHuTx56wrNHrnAGN6wTUykWFe-dRHwKAg=s0-d-e1-ft) 0px 1px no-repeat; font-style: italic; list-style: none!important; margin: 3px 0px 13px!important; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 40px!important; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">Inspiring keynote speakers</span></li>
<li style="background: url(https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjWufvCwx2CEgkT1RAj4MecnMBumogscOh1zEl6cEn0NGDAVBb03p0-PtzMCy1smfDDT83sWi932_SP3zoxeN4525pQb4NiQqnFtvtGbDHzjNjbd9jHPkka9e9IHV-G9qgpAxJkFxeWol4mUwsC9zYA5GKuhuHuTx56wrNHrnAGN6wTUykWFe-dRHwKAg=s0-d-e1-ft) 0px 1px no-repeat; font-style: italic; list-style: none!important; margin: 3px 0px 13px!important; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 40px!important; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: initial; line-height: 1.5;">Lunch and dinner</span></li>
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<span style="color: #515151; font-family: 'Droid Sans',sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; line-height: 21px;">Please consider sharing this on Facebook or Instagram, to help spread the word to women who are dealing with betrayal trauma that they are NOT ALONE:</span></div>
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3636524569275711083.post-39723416506364432172015-09-14T11:45:00.001-07:002015-09-14T11:45:10.607-07:00The Law of Chastity - A Lesson in Relief Society<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For the past month, I have been stressing and stewing over a presentation I gave in my local women's meeting at church. I stressed over how to present the topic. I stew over an applicable and non-shaming object lesson. I invited the bishop (the pastor of my congregation) even to share his thoughts. I prayed -- countless times. I read as much supportive material as I could get my hands on. No matter how prepared I was, there was no ease in the worry that topic of this lesson would cause those in the room to squirm in their seats, or even one or two to escape to the hallway in avoidance. </span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why is a discussion on chastity and morality so difficult to engage in? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why can't we talk to one another without the embarrassment or shame that comes with a discussion on this topic?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Today, I am grateful to be on this side of that stress. I'm relieved to have that lesson behind me. Most importantly, I am grateful for that the Spirit of the Lord attended me and touched hearts. I am still receiving texts or email from women in the congregation thanking me for the lesson. I know it wasn't me that delivered the message to their hearts. I know the impressions they act on today because of what was discussed happened only because they were willing to invite the Spirit into their hearts to be teachable.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">...ok..it did help some that I had some pretty incredible statistics to read to them..</span></div>
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Here are a few of the points I want to remember and have to refer to:</div>
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From President Ezra Taft Benson:</div>
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1. <span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">Traveling widely as a religious and political leader, President Ezra Taft Benson was keenly aware of the steady moral decline throughout the world, especially with regard to the law of chastity. He took a strong stand against this decline, teaching that <span style="background-color: yellow;">“the law of chastity is a principle of eternal significance.”</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="color: #262626;"> He declared that </span><span style="background-color: yellow;"><span style="color: #262626;">“in the Church and kingdom of God, chastity will never be out-of-date, regardless of what the world may do or say.”</span><span style="color: #107eae; font-size: x-small;"><u> </u></span></span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">He further taught: “<span style="background-color: yellow;">We must be <i>in</i> the amoral and immoral world, … but not <i>of</i> it. We must be able to drop off to sleep at night without having to first sing lullabies to our conscience.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Comic Sans MS;"><span style="background-color: white;">2. </span></span><u><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"> </span></u></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">The plaguing sin of this generation is sexual immorality. This, the Prophet Joseph said, would be the source of more temptations, more buffetings, and <span style="background: yellow; mso-highlight: yellow;">more difficulties for the elders of Israel than any other</span>.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Sexual immorality is a viper that is striking not only in the world, but in the Church today. Not to admit it is to be dangerously complacent or is like<span style="background-color: yellow;"> <span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">putting one’s head in the sand. In the category of crimes, only murder and denying the </span></span></span><span style="background-color: yellow;"><a href="http://lds.org/study/topics/holy-ghost?lang=eng"><u><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #232b2c; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; text-decoration: none;">Holy Ghost</span></u></a><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #262626; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';"> come ahead of illicit sexual relations, which we call fornication when it involves an unmarried person, or the graver sin of adultery when it involves one who is married</span><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #262626; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">.</span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><span style="background-color: yellow;"> </span>I know the laws of the land do not consider unchastity as serious as God does, nor punish as severely as God does, but that does not change its abominableness. In the eyes of God there is but one moral standard for men and women. In the eyes of God chastity will never be out of date. …<span style="background: lime; mso-highlight: lime;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: yellow; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #262626; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">No sin is causing the loss of the Spirit of the Lord among our people more today than sexual promiscuity. It is causing our people to stumble, damning their growth, darkening their spiritual powers, and making them subject to other sins.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Comic Sans MS;"><span style="background-color: white;">3. </span></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS';">Most people fall into sexual sin in a misguided attempt to fulfill basic human needs. We all have a need to feel loved and worthwhile. We all seek to have joy and happiness in our lives. Knowing this, Satan often lures people into immorality by playing on their basic needs. He promises pleasure, happiness, and fulfillment.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Comic Sans MS;">From President Gordon B. Hinckley:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 19px;"><u>From https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/09/healing-hidden-wounds?lang=eng</u></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 19px;"><u><br /></u></span></span></div>
<div class="" id="p5" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.00784314); background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 30.600000381469727px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" uri="/ensign/2014/09/healing-hidden-wounds.p5">
In the great battle for the city of Cumeni, Helaman tells of his 2,060 stripling warriors who “fought most desperately” against their enemies (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/57.19?lang=eng#18" style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; color: #0091bc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Alma 57:19</a>). While “there was not one soul of them who did perish” in that battle, “neither was there one soul among them who had not received many wounds” (<a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/57.25?lang=eng#24" style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; color: #0091bc; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Alma 57:25</a>). Many of these teenage soldiers were so terribly wounded that they fainted from the loss of blood.</div>
<div class="" id="p6" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.00784314); background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 30.600000381469727px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" uri="/ensign/2014/09/healing-hidden-wounds.p6">
These young warriors fought a battle that their parents could not fight for them, and they fought it because their society had been attacked. A similarly disastrous war rages among modern teenagers, for similar reasons. Today’s parents can no more fight the spiritual battles for their youth than the people of Ammon could. But they can learn to recognize the spiritual wounds this war inflicts and arm their children with the knowledge and resources they will need to survive.</div>
<div class="" id="p6" style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 30.600000381469727px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" uri="/ensign/2014/09/healing-hidden-wounds.p6">
<span style="background-color: yellow;">Some studies show that close to one hundred percent of today’s teenagers will be exposed to pornography by the time they graduate from high school, and most of those exposures occur on the Internet while the child is doing homework.<sup class="noteMarker" style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; font-size: 10px; line-height: 1; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><a href="https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/09/healing-hidden-wounds?lang=eng#footnote1-10909_000_023" style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; color: #0091bc; font-size: 9px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">1</a></sup> As of 2008, an estimated 9 out of 10 young men and nearly one-third of young women reported using pornography.<sup class="noteMarker" style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; font-size: 10px; line-height: 1; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><a href="https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/09/healing-hidden-wounds?lang=eng#footnote2-10909_000_023" style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; color: #0091bc; font-size: 9px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">2</a></sup> The average age of exposure and addiction are the same: 11 years old.</span></div>
<div class="" id="p6" style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 30.600000381469727px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" uri="/ensign/2014/09/healing-hidden-wounds.p6">
<span style="background-color: yellow;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" id="p6" style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 30.600000381469727px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" uri="/ensign/2014/09/healing-hidden-wounds.p6">
These are just a few of the ones I used for this class. One of the motivating factors in this opportunity for me comes from the instructions given in step 12 of most 12-step programs. That of, sharing this message. It isn't always a voice of hope that is needed. Sometimes the warning needs shouted. When a voice of warning is needed and the opportunity presents itself -- I raise the red flag. </div>
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Yesterday I had the chance to open a door in my church circles to talk openly and honestly about this plague. I talked about my 12-step groups for support for family members. I talked about resources for children and what to do in homes so that children have a safe place to go when they confront pornography. I didn't tell my story or say a single word about my husband. I didn't have to. It is, unfortunately, touching too many lives for it to be hidden any more.</div>
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WithIn the Heart of Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13965923422801142690noreply@blogger.com2