I am too familiar with that feeling that something is off and not quite right. Some call it a 'gut feeling' others inspiration. Whatever you call it, if you've lived with addiction, or if you have a tender sensitivity to the Spirit, it's likely this is a familiar feeling to you as well.
The
American Psychological Association said this about the gut feeling: "With a sophisticated neural network transmitting messages from trillions
of bacteria, the brain in your gut exerts a powerful influence over the
one in your head."
Don't you love that explanation? (read the whole article when you get a chance -- it's fascinating.)
Up until 20 months ago, this feeling it the gut warned me of the possibilities that H wasn't telling the truth about his whereabouts, or about the page on the computer he just shut down, or that phone call. I appreciated those warning triggers -- afterwards. When they hit, they usually brought with them some other unpleasant emotions, like fear and a physical sense that I was going to be sick.
Now, it seems those gut warnings are for another purpose. One I am just now discovering.
Now they are helping me sort through the emotional abuse I am getting when H and I discuss the right or wrong of an approaching issue.
It could be whether we should do something on the Sabbath. It could be an issue with kids, even with a bill. Or it could just be during the regular course of our conversations where anger and meanness are his go to M.O.
The past little while have been pretty rough in this latter area. We've had a particular issue that needed addressing. We were not getting any where together. Usually H tells and I just acquiesce. I don't like when that happens. I feel dismissed and discounted and that I will 'pay' if I don't do as H demands.
And that is just
wrong!
In my gut I knew this issue I kept running into was wrong. When I'm bullied, and feel intimidated, I can't get the words out to properly defend myself. (I'm sure that is a good thing. Flying back at H with cruelty isn't a good idea, but the alternative is a sense of powerlessness).
Today, I was given a little gift and a little understanding.
It came via an assignment from my religion instructor, in the form of
this address.
It's called "Counseling Together in Marriage" by Randy Keyes.
It's excellent.
It filled in all the hurting, painful, places H has made recently in things he's said to me when he and I try to talk.
Today, I realize, for the first time, all this effort on my part to make sure I've done everything I can -- can not encompass H's side of things.
Today, for the first time, in a long time, I feel a sense of freedom.
All this is not on me.
I knew this, in a logical sense. But when things aren't going right between us, it feels like it is all my fault. I'm the one who needs to change or lighten up or something.
Recently, H told me it was asking too much of him to expect him to read scriptures on top of everything else he does. (He does work two jobs right now to help support our Marine's son's family. There is no discounting how difficult that is for him). I am also not trying to force the issue of personal scripture study. If he doesn't have a interest or desire for that, I accept that.
What is important to me, is knowing where he is with the gospel and spirituality. For me, this discord, does not work. For years I made the choice to accept his approach to spiritual matters and not let that be an issue between us. Adding this to the sex addiction and we are just drifting down different value paths.
I loved this part, "
The husband is accountable for growth and happiness in his marriage, but this accountability does not give him authority over his wife."
When H tell me, "
I just can't talk to you!"
That is N. O.T. on me.
I really am and have been trying to help make this marriage better.
But how do I do that without his help?
..and when I wasn't the one who brought all the pain and ugliness of addiction into our relationship?
Where does this leave me?
I wish I knew.
H thinks I'm going to broadcast all of this to the High Council (his reason for not working on getting re-baptized).
Seriously?
I still live in crazy town.
For now, it is giving me something to think about a little more and pray about a little more specifically.
