Why Isn't This Working for Me?

I was reminded of this quote at group this past week.  I stopped in my tracks when my eyes caught these words. 

Am I so broken that I can't apply this truth in my life?

Love repairs personal relationships:  "Love is the healing balm that repairs rifts in personal and family relationships.  It is the bond that unites families, communities, and nations.  Love is  the power that initiates friendship, tolerance, civility, and respect.  it is the source that overcomes divisiveness and hate.  Love is the fire that warms our lives with unparalleled joy and divine home.  Love should be our walk and our talk."  (President Dieter F. Uchdorf, Healing Through Christ, Step 10, p.96)

I got a text from H this morning, telling me about a Peter Cetera concert coming up.  In another life I would have loved the idea of having my husband take me out.  

But Peter Cetera?

I love his music -- but his songs would be so triggery for me sitting next to H.

H wanted me to make a fast commitment because the tickets were selling out.  I had an easy out when  he told me the cheapest tickets were $105.00.  

Yay! for an overly practical nature.  $105.00 for a concert is not a choice I would make with that kind of money.

Then there was this quote....

   ..and I realized I am in such a bad place with this.  Love is not a healing balm for me -- where H is concerned.

Some of this is true for me where my WoPA friends are concerned.  I have felt amazing love, validation and acceptance from my WoPA friends.

But H....

Love isn't repairing rifts.
I'm not even feeling love for H these days.

When he's gone, I can physically and emotionally relax. When he comes in the door I can feel myself physically tense.  I start to guard myself for what might come next -- even if it doesn't.


Weekends.....

No!  I'd just rather not have one when H is around.

This past weekend had me in tears.  
We aren't functioning well around each other.

..and I am exhausted...

  ...so exhausted

D-day Anniversary Numbing

This past weekend we marked a year with H at home. I spent the weekend numb and hiding and pretending.  

It's what I do.

It was general conference weekend, and Easter and a reminder of a horrible disclosure all rolled in to one.

I hate these reminder days. They have become points on the calendar to mark time. I've stared using the dates in passwords. It just how my life rolls now.

I don't think H even had a clue we'd past this milestone. Although....he can tell you every date, place, and time his band played, every navy accomplishment, everything about his daughter from his first marriage.  

This one fact is the why life with an addict is a very lonely life.  

It's not like it would be the day to rub his nose in his past crimes, but is it that selfish of me to want him to reach out and say something like: "hey, I know this was a rough year.  Thanks for sticking it out with me" ?

and this is why I write...

 ............because wounds nead air in order to heal.  

Trauma

A friend shared this story.  It makes so much sense to me.   It goes like this:

"A Church Leader shared this story with the congregation. He told about a time that he, the husband, caused a pretty bad car accident with his wife in the car. He was speeding on a major freeway---and even though she'd tried to get him to slow down, he chose not to. The car accident he caused -- going too fast and didn't have enough room to stop, totaled their car, and they had some whiplash, but luckily--no one was hurt. Well--he noticed that after the accident, whenever he was in the car with his wife, that she started displaying certain behaviors. If he started to speed a little, she would put her hand near his. If we went about 5-10 over the speed limit, she would grab his arm. If he sped more than that, she would literally put her foot on the dashboard, with a look of complete fear on her face. At first, as he said "cause he was younger and less wise", he thought it was because she had not forgiven him for causing the accident. But, after some time and prayer, he realized that HE had made a choice that had endangered the life of his wife, and that as children of God, we have every right to protect ourselves from being hurt again. This has NOTHING to do with forgiveness---but with our innate nature to protect ourselves, and those who need protection, from harm. As a loving husband, HE realized that he had to change his behavior if he wanted her protective instincts to not naturally appear."


This story resonates so strongly with me. Every time H comes home from work, or whenever he gets physically to close to where I am, I find myself mentally bracing myself.  

This is trauma.



This study on trauma had this to say:

Wives of sexual addicts experience distressing symptoms in response to the disclosure of their husbands’ compulsive sexual behaviors and often describe the disclosure event as traumatic. The results of this study suggest that a majority of wives of sexual addicts respond to disclosure with significant trauma-related distress. The data also reveal that years married at the time of disclosure and number of previous traumatic event exposures best predicted total trauma symptom severity scores. The study concluded with a discussion of the benefits of using a trauma model to understand and treat wives of sexual addicts following disclosure. 

In the same article: "researchers such as Bergner and Bridges (2002) and Milrad (1999) state that many partners of sexual addicts display symptoms consistent with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in response to the discovery of sexual acting out in their partners.."



I can find article after blog post after website validating the reality of this type of trauma.  The difficulty for me -- is getting past it.  

The trauma responses I am experiencing are consistent, in spite of years of step work and recovery effort, and in spite of H's efforts.  

I feel hopeless.  Like I can't seem to shake this off.  No matter how much I try.  Any small interaction with H in close proximity sends me physically running.  I can feel the trauma physically.  Nerve endings in my body start to over-react.  My skin itches. 

And this is so hard to explain to people.

 

I'm Finished!

Almost two years ago, with a lot of questions and fear, I made my first phone call to a Healing Through Christ meeting.  In these meetings I have found hope and healing as is promised each week as we review the 12-Steps.

I'm ashamed to say how long this has taken me.
I should have been writing this post a year ago.

Evidence of trauma is taking forever to get through your 12-steps.

Today, I am celebrating.  I finished my Healing Through Christ 12-steps.  I'm feeling the excitement of finishing, although I know that it will really be years before I don't need these steps.

This phone meeting has become a balm for me.  The women I meet with each week have become dear friends.  We've shared our hurts and pains and our joys and accomplishments.

Even though I have been through this book a dozen times over the many weeks I've attended group, I still have much to learn and many more opportunities to continue to work the steps.

As I was turning the page today, as I was wrapping up step 12, I came across a page I have never read before.  I wish I had.  These words would have helped me so many times.  To keep them present in my mind, and in my recovery work, I'm going to record them here.  Maybe they will help you too.


Healing Through Christ - page 146-47

Part of detaching is letting go.  The following explanation can increase our understanding of this most importanat healing tool.

To Let Go...
To let go does not mean to stop caring
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the
outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
its to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead
to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is to not regret the past,
but to grow and to live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and to love more
(Author Unknown)


Now that I have completed these steps, my goal is to continue to work them and live them and share them.

Running Out of Time

It has been difficult for me to come back here to organize my thoughts and feelings into words.  The past few weeks have been not been good weeks.

After the disclosure letter issue, H and I had a 'discussion' about the process of a disclosure.  As I was sharing my side of what happened and what I would have liked to experience, H determined he would not say another word or answer any of my questions (as he previously agreed) without a mediator.

As it ended up, if I couldn't find an agreed upon therapist, experienced in SA disclosure and LDS, by H's year mark, we would separate.

Time continues to pass without success.

For H, as usual, the issue is over (at least until the next one flares up).  Swept under the rug with all the other issues. 
  
       ---quite a mountain of painful issues piles up under that rug----

The more time that passes away since this discussion the less the issue matters.



Resources are limited here. I was hoping to find a local therapist that we can meet with regularly.  I know others use a Skype option successfully.  For me, it seems that buried pile of pain needs someone local to help sort it all out.  

I am in no way expecting, in this past year's time, we would have resolved all our issues and completed recovery.  I was hoping though, that H's efforts at recovery would bring less anger and more peace to our marriage and home.




Last week at church, I taught a lesson in our women's meeting on repentance.  The following quotes are the basis for the questions I have with what is happening with H:

1. ...repentance involves not just a change of actions, but a change of heart.

2.  Therefore, repentance means more than simply a reformation of behavior. Many men and women in the world demonstrate great willpower and self-discipline in overcoming bad habits and the weaknesses of the flesh. Yet at the same time they give no thought to the Master, sometimes even openly rejecting Him. Such changes of behavior, even if in a positive direction, do not constitute true repentance.

3.  It is not uncommon to find men and women in the world who feel remorse for the things they do wrong. Sometimes this is because their actions cause them or loved ones great sorrow and misery. Sometimes their sorrow is caused because they are caught and punished for their actions. Such worldly feelings do not constitute “godly sorrow.”


As I pondered upon these principles, not in a critically judgmental way, but in a righteous judging way, I feel that I should see change in H in a way that reflects these principles.  


In a General Conference in October 2009 by Elder Neil L. Andersen. He spoke of repentance with these words: "For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream."

^{I understand how difficult this is for H, as well as for me.}

Still, I wonder,  should there be some peace in the journey?  
Why is there still so much anger?  
Why don't I feel hope?


I was reading a friend's blog the other day and came across this question in a post she wrote a year or so ago, that I wish I had seen then.  The question is this:  - If I stay, am I prepared for my husband to possibly treat me and my kids worse considering addiction is a progressive disease?

This is the question that continues to plague me as I round out this trial year.  

The 10 Month Wait

• 

Last night, about ten minutes to eleven, H came into the family room with an envelope in hand. The envelope contained the long awaited for disclosure letter.  I asked for it before he came home last April. I asked for it several times over the past ten months -- nothing.

Just a blank stare.

I don't know what finally prompted H to deliver on the overdue request or worse, why he chose that time of night to hand deliver his written train wreck.


The letter began with a pretty demanding request to do everything in my power not to show the letter to anyone -- especially our children.

pfffft...I still believe I own my own story



H's letters always begin with a bit of justification, this one was no different.  After getting through the preamble, the brief letter contained a generic version of names and approximate dates.






The sucker punch came in the mix of lies I was told and what was written in the disclosure.



Let me re-wind several years.   


We were at home, my kids and I -- hanging out. H was at work, I thought.  I was supposed to be setting up his new iPhone.  As my son and I were going through the process, we came across all the things H had been already doing on his new phone.  

Pictures.  Email.  Texts.

I'll never forget how the bile rose up in my mouth, and my body started to shake.  Betrayal has a very physical reaction for me.


I had H's bag packed and on the porch.

We were watching for him.

When he came up the walk, I went outside, locking my kids in the house and us out.  

I remember asking him how work went.  The lie that spewed out was so smooth. So I asked him how was Brenda, or Carol, or Stacy?  


He knew I knew.


There was anger and yelling on my front porch that afternoon.  And then for some reason, the words "I know that God will forgive all of this -- and I will too."  I didn't mean or expect that H would walk back inside.  At the time, I just wanted to get all the hate out of me that was brewing in that moment.

H's reply to that was something neither of us expected either.

He suggested we go inside to talk and work all this mess out.


What got worked out that day, I thought, was that H was going to call off all these involvements of his. He was going to focus on me and him and nothing else, no one else would come between us again. 

I honored my side.  I put off everything I wanted or needed. I ignored all my friends.  I doted on him, making him the king of the castle.

My kids were furious all this was going on.




Fast forward to the present, and the letter, and the truth.... 


I couldn't sleep at all last night.  I tossed and turned.  Each time I started to drop into slumber, the trauma shook itself free again.  All night long,  between the tears and the nausea, I kept asking myself 'why?'

Why did you believe him?  Nothing he said was true.  Nothing he agreed to did he honor.  



What a fool I am!

What an idiot!




How do men live double lives?  

How can they tell more than one woman they love them, then go home and say the same thing to their wife?  

The duplicity. The lies. The betrayal.  I'm sick of it. Sick of wondering, do I finally know all of it now, only to realize the disclosures will continue to trickle in and the pain and trauma will be relived over and over.

How can I make an informed decision for my future with the uncertainty of my marriage?



Now what?  

This 'trial period' has not gone well for me  All the stories he told me where incomplete.  H lead me to believe there was much less than there actually was. 



I'm all in knots again. 

My whole body shook through the conducting of all four hymns during Sacrament meeting. It was all I could do to make my way through the chapel and out to my car at the end of the first hour without throwing up.

There are days, like today, that I don't want these 'hand-picked trials' like the speaker talked about today in Sacrament meeting.  I don't want the pain.  The loneliness, the husband that hurts too much from his own actions to hold my pain.  

I don't want to put on the face every Sunday, pretending to every church member that we are all one happy family.


I'm weary from loss being my constant companion.

An Extended Fast

*****Possible Trigger Warning*****



Several months ago I moved H into the guest room. At the time, I had no idea how long this change would last. I needed peace and time to sort through the trauma of him being in my bed at night, and the chaos of my mind chatter.  I wish I had insisted on it last April. In my confusion and my attempt to always do the right thing, I neglected to create a safe healing place for me. I turned my emotional knob to "numb."  I put on the happy face at  home and at church and pretended all was well. The Prodigal returned.

As the days and weeks went by, it didn't feel happy to me.  It didn't feel like a blessing, or that the return of "the Prodigal," the cause of years of hurt and pain and betrayal, should be celebrated.  

They were delighted at church to see him after all those years.  

I wore a mask.  

For weeks, no, months really.  

I still wear this mask, almost a year later. And I am still not happy.




I remember telling H on the phone the day he called, crying, pleading, begging for a second (or 18th) chance, that this was a trial. I could not tell him that I loved him, or if I ever would. I could not tell him that I would ever want him to sleep in my bed or have any kind of intimate relationship again. I could not promise that a month, or even a year later, I would not still want a divorce.

The sadness in H's voice that day ran straight to the empathic heart of mine.  It hurt to hear his pain.  I felt so bad for him.  

I forgot all about me in that hour long phone call.




Now that this year of H's excommunication comes round, I'm starting to notice the mistakes I made in last year's reconciliation. Laying myself aside for another is a good thing -- in the gospel sense. For purposes of healing, it was a huge mistake.  

As I peel away the years of betrayal, I begin to notice a survival techniques I employed to get through the pain I live with daily.  From the very beginning of my marriage I had reason to divorce H. As the years went by I found myself stuck in a sort of black hole. Time went by as evidence mounted. I was too numb, and to scared to put an end to the betrayal.  

In a way, I gave H permission to betray me.  I gave him permission by not standing up for me.



In fear of having this black hole over take me.  I made a 180 degree turn in the opposite and moved H into the other room.

I found my peace in this decision.

For once in my married life I didn't have to lay awake to protect myself from being taken advantage of while I slept.  For once, I was free to sleep without being awakened by groping hands.  






I continue to justify for this decision with advice like this:

Having sex with their partner may be a bad idea for a sex addict in early recovery because it impedes their recovery:

• It does not allow for the neural “reset” that lets the addict brain to begin to “re-wire” itself.  In other words, it keeps the addiction going by giving the addict a small amount of the “drug.”
• The addict in early recovery will likely revert to his or her addictive fantasies during sex with a spouse or partner.  This means that the addict is not really having sex with the partner but is using the partner to re-live addict behaviors in their mind.  This is sometimes referred to as “euphoric recall.”
• Part of the addict’s recovery is learning how to integrate sex into a normal relationship vs. keeping up a separate and secret sexual life.  Early in recovery the addict will be lacking in the intimacy skills necessary for a healthy relationship.  Only in the context of a healthy relationship can there be a healthy sexual relationship.

Having sex early recovery may be a bad idea for the partner because it is for the wrong reasons:

• They feel the need to have sex with their spouse or partner to “compete” with the object of the addiction or to prove their attractiveness.  Partners of addicts should never take this on themselves.  It’s the addict’s problem and it isn’t ever about the partner!
• They feel they are responsible for “fixing” the addict and think that having sex with them will help.  The addict needs help but not in the form of sex, even with someone they love.
• Sometimes partners feel they should not withdraw sexually because they will be seen as “punishing” the addict.  But even if they are angry, withdrawing sexually can be a normal response to the betrayal.
• They are trying to use sex as a way to repair the relationship.  Partners of sex addicts may be very hurt and traumatized. They need to recover from that trauma first and worry about the relationship later.
• They have a desire for sex themselves and it makes them feel better.  This is often a misguided attempt to make things “the way they were” before the crisis.  It is understandable to feel this way but relationships in recovery need to be very different from what went before.

Bottom line, sex addiction is serious.  It requires not only a recovery from the addictive behavior but the learning of a new way of living in integrity and honesty.  The couple must lay a foundation first before deciding whether to resume a relationship on a new footing or not.  This takes a lot of time and work. Abstaining from sex in the beginning months of recovery is an important part of the process for both addict and partner. (Link)

My favorite addiction therapist, Maurice Hawker, has this to say on the issue:  "Simply, whenever the offending spouse has a lost battle, the offender must sleep outside the marital bed; on first offense, this is one night. On second offense, this is two nights. On third, three and so forth. Offender sleeps on the floor of the bedroom, on the couch in the other room or wherever the offended decides. This decision about where to sleep should be made in advance so that it is not based on emotion.

So, what should a wife be allowed to expect from her husband in the area of sexuality? She should be able to expect him to gain complete mastery over his sexual urges. She should be able to expect him to not use her to get his "fix". She should be allowed to expect to not be emotionally abused no matter how much discomfort he feels when he must "go without", especially if he is in recovery. "Helping a guy out" by providing him with a sexual experience right after he is emotionally unpleasant with his wife is like buying a candy bar for a child after he throws a tantrum in the grocery store check out line. She should be allowed to experience sexuality as an edifying experience, an activity that brings a sense of peace, joy and closeness to both her and her spouse. For more detail on this read, "And the Man Knew His Wife".

I blew it last year, and now I'm trying to correct that mistake.  Whether I've over-corrected or not might need another blog post to sort through. For now, the longer this continues the less interest I have to return to shared room or shared bed. I've returned to my well known survival lifestyle of hiding from hurt and pain. Pretending it didn't happen.  Not talking about it, and steering clear of H the best I can.

Where this takes my marriage is yet to be determined.