My Husband Is Not the Enemy!

I want to go on record with this statement -- from the get-go here.

My husband is NOT the enemy!

I know what is causing all the chaos and strife in my home and in my heart right now.  I know the source of the pain and grief.  I know the source of relief and deliverance.  It's just not coming together as I would have hoped.

I've been having discussions about the difference between recovery and healing.  It's been interesting to get different perspectives on these two terms.  Often they are used interchangeably. To me, they are very different.

One friend used these definitions

Recover:  Return to a normal state of health, mind or strength; to find or regain possession

Heal:  To become healthy or well again; to restore to original purity or integrity



I loved these definitions.  Actually I loved her whole take on this topic.  I found it interesting that we have been working on similar posts.  Great minds?  (Maybe I can get her permission to link her post here.  I think you'll enjoy her thoughts.  When she's ready to share them.)

Over the past few weeks the topic of healing and recovery have run a continual thread through the discussions between H and I.  We are not on the same page -- at all.  I feel like I'm no where near where I need to be to give to him what he is looking for.  He on the other hand feels like I need to be there.  In a similar way, I need H to be in a place he isn't and doesn't feel he's ready to be.

This makes me feel crazy.

It frustrates H.

I often feel like the rat in the wheel.  I go round and round and get no where.  

Right now, the only thing I know to do is to go back to the beginning and start again with the process.  I know I'm not healed.  I know there are gaping holes inside me. There are pieces of me yet to be found, knowledge still unlearned.  I've heard it said that recovery isn't an event, it is a process.  

There's a great article here where I read this comment:  "Healing from the impact of betrayal is not a linear experience that starts out with the pain of discovery and then automatically feels better with time. Instead, it’s a unique journey for each couple based on several factors such as the unfaithful partner’s willingness to tell the truth, previous betrayals, duration of the affair, and other factors."

Several key points jump out to me here:
 1. Not a linear experience
 2. Partner's willingness to tell the truth
 3. Previous betrayals
 4. Duration
 (and there's that last one:  'other factors')

My story wraps around each of these points, several times. 

For me, it feels a lot like"   

Shell Shock (noun) psychological disturbance caused by prolonged exposure to active warfare, especially being under bombardment

Or maybe this:

Stress breakdown: is a psychiatric injury, which is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation

This seems to fit too:

Trauma, which means "wound" in Greek, is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope or integrate the emotions connected to that experience.

Which ever term we go by, it is going to take some time to work through.  And on a good note here, time is what we have going for us.  

Alma 34: 37 "And now, my beloved brethren, I desire that ye should remember these things, and that ye should work out your salvation with fear before God, ..."

However, Elder Joseph B. Worthlin warned us about our time here: "The days of our probation are numbered, but none of us knows the number of those days. Each day of preparation is precious."

While my precious pieces of time pass with each moment and each experience, I'm trying desperately to heal that wound caused by the trauma of betrayal.

In a talk by President Thomas S. Monson made these two points regarding grief:

What Is Grief?

Grief is the emotional, and often physical, response we have when we experience loss. The more profound the loss, the more profound the grief will be. Grief can involve virtually every emotion or can leave us feeling numb and disconnected from the world around us.

Grief Is Painful, but Do Not Avoid It

Grief hurts, but it can be the salve that helps us heal when it is allowed to do its work appropriately. The first step in handling grief is to recognize that the pain is a normal part of the process. It needs to be acknowledged, not avoided.

My questions is how do I get through this ^^^^^ to feel more like this vvvvv??

A marriage, eternal in duration and God-like in quality does not contemplate divorce. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said; " Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us."

A particularly favorite message of mine is found in 2 Nephi 2: 1-2: " 1 And now, Jacob, I speak unto you: Thou art my firstborn in the days of my tribulation in the wilderness. And behold, in thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow, because of the rudeness of thy brethren.

 2 Nevertheless, Jacob, my firstborn in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.

I love that promise:  "Thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for they gain."

I know how awesome and great Father in Heaven is.  I know that he can take my afflictions and turn them in to goodness (gain).  That 'gain' of healing and hope would be a consecration of the afflictions of this marriage.  I know this comes through the healing power of the Atonement.  

As I stated in the beginning,  my husband is not the enemy.  Though maybe in years past I saw him as such.  I know that the struggles we face currently come in great measure from the workings of the Adversary who would like nothing more than to see H never return to full membership.  He'd like nothing else than to see this marriage and family dissolve once and for all.  In my mind I know why this struggle is so very hard.  If I could just get my heart and my head to align this struggle might feel more conquerable.

Too often I feel stuck.  Too often I feel the broken-ness of our communication.  The effects of addiction on the brain are real.  Every day feels like a battle to get past the gas lighting and blame-shifting to what is the truth and then to navigate the issue at hand with truth-based principles.  

Too often my method of 'managing my safety' looks to H like I'm controlling everything he does.  It is difficult to speak the same language here making conflict resolution feel impossible. 

I find myself constantly asking how do I take the knowledge I've mentioned above into the difficult and often explosive battles of day to day life with a recovering addict?

That question brings me back full circle to: what is recovery and what is healing?  

The only answer I have is that recovery is my process to find that healthy state of heart and mind.  Healing will be when I feel restored to my original purity and integrity.  When individually I feel restored and our marriage feels restored.  

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Things I Do Not Like

Now that recovery is my way of life H and I spend a lot of time frustrated with each other. Even though H has been working the ARP recovery program, we are still on vastly different pages.  

I used to grin and bear, stuff, pretend, hide, ignore, forget, and even go without so much of my own emotions that finding them, feeling them, sitting with them long enough to even recognize them has taken tremendous effort for me this past year.  Years of blocking my truth and my story because H couldn't cope with it has trained me to not feel.  At All.

I don't want to blame it all on H though.  I have a huge span of my childhood I have no memory of.  Why I blocked it I do not know. I just did. I don't think I was hurt, physically, or abused.  The only thing I can figure is that it must have been traumatic -- to me-- at some level in my childhood home. I didn't have the coping skills to process whatever it was.  Blocking became my go to safety technique.

As I look back now, maybe it was good that I had that skill down pat. I'm not sure how I would have coped with the past few years without it.  

Now, though, I'm trying to not stuff, pretend, hide.  H doesn't like it. It isn't the way I used to be and he's having to change.  We spend a lot of time not liking each other.  

I decided this morning as I was working my recovery that I wanted to make a list of things I don't like. Maybe there are some here that are out of line. If you feel brave enough, and love me, you might gently point me in the right direction.

Here's my list. In no particular order. I'm hoping writing this will help me get to the emotion and to the resolution.

1.  I do not like H to tell me that he's "babysitting" when he stays home with D. 

What's with that anyway?  He is her father for crying out loud.  Babysitting, really?

2.  I do not like H to correct little D.  

The two of them have anger management issues badly.  They are fire and gasoline.  It's horrible.  I often find myself in the middle of a combative situation that I struggle to resolve.  When H corrects he often says hurtful things, derogatory things.  I've asked him to back off from correction for a time while he works his recovery and we give D time to heal from her hurt a bit.  Maybe then she and he will be able to work issues out in a more reasonable and Christlike way.  

3.  I do not like H to have unaccounted for money in his wallet. (Are you calling me controlling?)

This is a hard one for a lot of people to get their mind around. You'd have to know my story to understand where this comes from and what is underneath all of it.  You'd have to know how H hid money from me.  How he lived double lives, more than once, for long periods of time.  You'd have to know what deception and fear of not being able to provide for your children does to you that would make this a real issue.  And yes, H and I argue about this one.  And no, its not that he doesn't spend money.  It is more that right now, while I am trying to feel safe with him, I've asked him to not ask to have money he doesn't have to account for.  (One other point for this issue; we are the poor owners of two homes.  Every dime has to be accounted for to keep both those mortgages paid. Neither of us has the luxury of having go to heck money right now.)

4.  I do not like H to be on his phone. Period.

That's bad huh?  If I had my way he wouldn't have one.  Except that we don't have a landline and it would be difficult to communicate with one another these days without one.  I just hate it.  During the past three years, when H was acting out so badly, and had another double life he carried on behind my back he was on his phone all the time.  We couldn't eat dinner together without his face in his phone.  He had it when we sat to watch a movie.  He took it to the bathroom (and he was in there a ridiculous amount of time).  He'd go upstairs to the bedroom and be gone for hours in the evening with that $(^&$@#$ phone.  What I naively thought was mostly a game addiction, I later learned was a instant message ap he had hidden in another ap where he talked to other women.  Right  in  front  of  my  face.

He was like that with his work laptop too that I never had access to because of all his work securities.  He would sit at the kitchen table (because we had that family rule -- no electronics in bedrooms or behind closed doors) and he would get on Craigslist or dating sites and talk to other women while I was sitting across the room from him in plain view, and set up hook-up dates or look at porn, or do whatever he did right under my nose.  If I got up from the couch and walked across the room to get a drink he had plenty of time to just close out that window and open up one that looked like he was doing school.  

I hate H having electronics. Period!

5.  I do not like H being in my home when I am not there.  (yup, I'm that messed up, huh?)

This is just another of my triggers.  When H went back to school to finish his degree he was working a full time and a part time job. The only option for him was distance learning through an online program.  It was during this time that he began wandering off of his class website and school assignments and onto some of the most despicable websites on the internet.  It was during this time that scenario above was a nightly condition.  He would also lie to me and tell me he was at his night job.  Well, the lie part was that he wasn't working, he was physically there, but he'd go into the break room and get online there where he wouldn't get interrupted and have to close windows and end conversations because the kids and I were home and passing by his laptop or sitting at the table when he was trying to get on his dating sites.

But why don't I like him home alone you ask?  Because each Sunday when little D and I were attending our church meetings H was in my home with his, I don't know, you pick an appropriate name for them...either online, or in person, or by text or whatever he could get...and I would sit in church knowing exactly what was going on behind my back, but pretending that H was doing school and not cheating on me or looking at porn. All I could do was sit there, trying not to squirm and pleading that the Lord would help me out of it or find a way to show H a way to stop.  This went on for 3 years.  It was three years of hell.  Three years of torture.  My home was violated.  It was almost impossible to worship or even stay half way present at church.  Leaving H alone in my house is like giving him an open invitation to act out.  Especially on a Sunday.  He knew exactly how long he had before he had to clean things up and pretend he'd been doing his school work the whole time.

6.  I do not like H to touch me.  

Do you think I'll ever get past this issue?  H feels rejected more than empathy for why I am like this right now.  It is so maddening.  I hate addiction.  I hate what it has done to him and to me.  I don't want to be married sometimes.  I stay, but it is a battle I fight every day.

7.  I do not like that H can't seem to figure out how to communicate. 

Even with little things like, 'can you please text me if you plan to stay after group to talk so that I don't have to heat your dinner up 3 or 4 times trying to keep it warm for some unexpected and uncommunicated arrival?'


8.  I do not like how hard this is for me or for H.

The truth is, trying to recover from trauma is very difficult.  I can spend hours in my step work and still run smack dab into all these issues I listed above.  They still trap me.  As hard as I try to apply the principles of the Healing Through Christ.  I struggle.   

Today I started step 6 "Become entirely ready to have God remove all our character weaknesses.  Maybe it will help me with some of these issue I have listed above.

In a couple weeks I'll be leaving on a trip. Just me and little D.  H will stay behind to run our business.  I'm scared to death to leave him here.  I want to lock the door behind me and send him somewhere else for two weeks so that when I come home I will still have my  home, my world, the way I left it.  Unviolated.  So I won't have to wonder if I've been lied to while I was away.  I won't have to go look through cupboards to see if things are as I left them.  I won't have to worry if H honored the agreements we will make about money or food or the business expenses.

It stinks when you can't trust the person who has the greatest ability to damage you.  If I don't do this H won't ever have an opportunity to prove to me and to himself that he's changing.  

The question I'm afraid of -- what if he's is still the same?  What will I do then?  What will I do if I return home and find out he did not keep his word?  So much of my future, our future depends on this turning out right.

I don't like that.

If I Could Write a Letter to Me

I heard this song on the radio the other day.  (warning it may have a triggery line in the beginning.)

It hit me, as I was listening to the words how I wish I could have had a letter to read (over and over and over) during some of my hard, lonely days.  I'd wish it was from me too.  After all, who knows me better?

Here's some of the things I would write:


Dear Younger Me,

Right now you are at the beginning of what should be an exciting journey into adulthood, marriage and children. You probably don't want to hear what I have planned to say.  One day, you'll need this letter and these words of hope.  Hang on to this and remember hind sight is always 20-20.  When you are young you think you can conquer everything, or that your love will.  It will be hard to hear warnings and cautions that your young self would rather ignore.   I don't want to burst your bubble of excitement as all the hopes and dreams of childhood begin to be your reality.  Still, one day you will be sitting where I am today, wishing like anything that someone would have taken the time to be real with you and tell it like it really is.

As you read this, picture the older you sitting beside you hugging you, reminding you -- You can do hard things!


1.  Marriage is not going to be what you see in movies, read in books or heard about in YW classes.   Sure there will be fun days, good days, but a lot of them are going to hurt and be very, very hard.  There will be a few wake up calls, reality checks, and moments you wished like anything people had been more upfront with you growing up.

2.  Sex, no lie, it will be great -- but it will also suck.  Your husband will be a jerk sometimes.  Sometimes it will be all about him.  It will be confusing and take some time to figure out.  Be patient.

3.  At some point you are going to discover secrets and lies that will cause you to wish you could just disappear -- literally.  Life and marriage will seem hopeless.  You'll wonder if anything at all was ever real.  You'll get through it, after a lot of tears and days curled up in a ball on the floor of your closet.

4. Your children will be your greatest allies during these rough days. Don't ever ignore them or take them for granted.  They will hurt too because of this trial.

5.  Because of these horrible lies and secrets, church will be very difficult.  You will bear a invisible trial that will test your faith, and it will test your patience with priesthood leaders more than you will ever imagine.  In time you will come to see what matters and what doesn't.  You will learn to attend your meetings because you deserve to be there.  Sitting alone will give you time to ponder and pray uninterrupted. Those hours alone will become a time of peace in spite of the loneliness.

6.  After years of loneliness and heartbreak you will finally be ready to hold the truth and fight your way though the damage that occurred while you were just trying to live your life.  About this time you will be drawn into a very special association of women that will help you sort out the lies from the truth.  They will help you find the strength to set boundaries and stick up for yourself and slowly walk your way out of the chaos.

7.  In the middle of healing and recovery, you'll have to bear one more huge test.  The final act has not yet played out.  In the mean time, I've compiled a list of thoughts and quotes to lean on when your spirit is worn thin.


* 'Rely upon him who is mighty to save.  Hold on to the assurance that God has promised to answer your prayers, to give you rest, and to keep you safe, even in the midst of your most severe turmoil.  He will bring healing consolation to your soul.'

*In the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "I promise you He is not going to turn his back on us now.  When He says to the poor in spirit, 'Come unto me,' He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up.  He knows it because He has walked it.  He knows the way because He is the way. He is saying to you...'Trust me, learn of me, do what I do.  Then, when you walk where I am going, we can talk about where you are going and the problems you face and the troubles you have.  If you follow me, I will lead you out of darkness.'  I will give you answers to your prayers.  I will give you rest to your souls.;"

* 'Remember the adversary uses despair to bind your heart and mind in suffocating darkness' -- fight him -- hard!

*For every affliction..the Savior has a remedy of superior healing power.'  

* Be thankful.  Gratitude can be a healing balm.

*'Heavenly Father does not want us to minimize our reactions to life. He asks that we accept what He gives us and the take to Him our feelings and the truth about our lives whatever they may be.  If we can go to Him with absolute openness and say, "This is what is happening to me right now and this is what I feel', then He can use that openness as a conduit to teach us how to heal,  how to repent, and forgive and love.'

*Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."

In your wildest dreams you cannot imagine the you then from the you now.  Trust me when I say,  in the dark days ahead, when you feel alone, you won't be able to do it on your own, but you will be able to do it with God.  Only then, will you will like what you see and be grateful for who you've become.



Love,

The Older You

Today's Random Thoughts

I'm preparing for my weekly Healing Through Christ meeting.  I've had a rough couple of days so I'm really looking forward to today.  I'm praying we'll be well attended.

While I'm waiting for the meeting to start and some inspiration to come to me.  I've had a few random thoughts and experiences as I've gone through my day.  I'll share what I have so far -- and then I'll be back to finish this post.

First:  Time Out For Women

Next week I'm praying to be able to attend our local TOFW.  I've been on the publicity committee for the past several months.  I'll have assignments to fulfill, however, the weather on the home front (read H and little D) has been very stormy.  I'm afraid to leave.

Today this came in my inbox from my pub team.  Reminding me that its getting close.  I've been a fan  of Hilary Weeks for years.  She speaks the words of my heart.  Today it was fitting that they linked this video in the email.  I needed both her tender spirit and the beautiful words of her first song.  I hope you'll be touched by it.


Second:  A beautiful picture

This picture is called "The Comforter"  I picked it up this past weekend on a flash trip to Nauvoo.  I've been avoiding that place for years because of all the triggers there.  I had the littles with me the past 8 days and needed to get away.  I headed north.  When we figured we were on path for Nauvoo and doing ok -- we forged ahead.  We got there late, with no time to do anything but circle the small little town and remind ourselves why we love it so there.  The spirit is so strong.  Even riding down the street in the car with littles hollering in the back for 'waa-dur' or 'nack'.  

I was able to get into the Fudge Shoppe for a few minutes, where I snagged this photo.  It spoke to me.  Both the title and the image of the Savior with his hand on the shoulder of a woman.  In a flash of a moment I wanted to purchase hundreds of them to mail to all my WoPA sisters as a reminder of how close the Savior is to them each day.  

Third:  Step 2: "Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health"

I will be beginning step 2 for, I don't know, maybe this is my 10th or 12th or more time.  I just love this step.  (I love them all, but this one is so necessary in the healing process.)  I greatly need this reminder today.  I'll go into more detail why when I return.  

Watch the video.  And watch a few more of hers too like this one ( say love )  I promise -- it will make your heart sing.

A Couple Follow-up Thoughts

On Faith

On Testimony

As I continue to talk and ponder this issue of faith and testimony and how certain trials impact both, I'll continue to blog about it.   I feel compelled to because of this:

Luke 22:  31 ¶And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:

 32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.

We know in the last day's hearts will fail.  We'll be weary of all the evil, the turmoil of life, the impact all this has had on our souls; souls that are divine and spiritual and holy.   I love this video as a reminder to be patient and to wait.  We won't understand the reasons and purposes for our trials, God does.  He will use them for our good.

While I'm working to develop a few more thoughts for my next post,  I'll share a couple videos that touched me.

1. Abide
2. Hope


One final thought from the amazing Sister Chieko Okasaki, “I do think we should struggle for understanding just as hard as we can. It’s not showing a lack of faith to say, ‘I don’t understand this. Tell me how. Explain why.’ But at the same time, we also need to remind ourselves — sometimes right out loud — that, as the Lord explained to Isaiah: ‘My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways . . . For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts’ (Isaiah 55:9-9). We need to accept and be patient with our lack of understanding. It’s a superb and glowing faith to say, ‘I don’t understand this and I don’t like it very much, but I accept it. Show me how to live with it, how to deal with it.’ The limitations of mortality are so real and so personal that I’m sure one of the things we’re going to do in the next life is laugh and laugh.”
– “Behold Thy Handmaiden: The Answer of Faith,” chapter 13, Disciples

Wive of Addicts, The Church and Faith

***WoPA Warning: I'm going to take this opportunity to put some of my personal thoughts on my personal cyber journal regarding an issue that is present in our community. These are my beliefs.  They are not meant to offend, rather to help me process what I see, hear and feel.   I'm not judging anyone's path.  I love you all, my sisters. Read warned!  

I'm seeing what I am going to call a "concern".  It could be an issue.  It might be a huge problem even,  in years to come, depending on what the future holds for this issue and these women. I'm not criticizing this, in anyway.  I am concerned because I love these women. They are my people. I also love the Church and the gospel of Jesus Christ. The truth is,  I hate to see pain, especially when it is coupled with a questioning of testimony, principle, church, or _______ (pick an appropriate place to crisis).

But this is getting ahead of my story.

I have been blessed with a very special set of friends. Some of us have never met, yet we speak the same language. The language of a spouse in addiction. This connects us in a way no other association or friendship of my life has connected me -- even (and especially) within my local church affiliations. There is something of having shared a similar horrific pain that makes this connection unique and special. That is how it is for me and I believe many others of us in this world of wives of porn/sex addicts feel the same way.

Lately, in this circle the topic of faith crisis is being discussed.

What is a crisis:

cri·sis

ˈkrīsis/

noun

1. a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger.

   "the current economic crisis"

   synonyms:

   emergency, disaster, catastrophe, calamity; More

   • a time when a difficult or important decision must be made.

     "a crisis point of history"

     synonyms:

     critical point, turning point, crossroads, watershed, head, moment of truth, zero hour, point of no return, Rubicon, doomsday; More

   • the turning point of a disease when an important change takes place, indicating either recovery or death.

To be sure the life of a wife of a porn/sex addict is an intensely difficult time. Often there is danger.  Often these times bring the wife to a point of difficult decision.

Synonyms

boiling point, breaking point, clutch, conjuncture,emergency, crossroad(s), crunch, crunch time,Dunkirk, exigency, extremity, flash point, head,juncture, tinderbox, zero hour

Oh yeah! I've been there. All of these emotions and pain lead me to a place I thought I could trust, to a church leader, to my bishop. Except that often those pleas for help were met with even more pain.  The hope I was looking for was elusive at best.  

I know many of my sisters have felt the same.

Is this what has initiated the faith crisis?
    (Remember these are just my thoughts, my musings, ponderings.  This is me trying to work this out so I can feel as settled as I can about this issue.  Please don't shoot me or dog my blog.)

If not, what exactly is the nature and genesis of the crisis of faith?
   Is in in God, in the Savior, or his atonement or is it in the church?
   Is it because people in the church have caused hurt by things they have said or done?
   Is it men (priesthood leadership) in the church doing the hurting mostly?

With the crisis acknowledged - out loud -- among trusted friends -- now what?
  Church attendance is stopped, or limited, or worse (in my opinion) abandoned altogether.


Dale Carnegie wrote a book entitled: "How to Win Friends and Influence People" in which he was actually asking a question (is) "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still" (?)  Carnegie doesn't own this phrase, but his book brought it into a more common adage.

This phrase sits heavy on my heart right now, blocking me from reaching out to this issue, to these women I call sisters. Will they hear me -- or will a sister convinced against her will be of the same opinion still?

Is it even possible that we could have an open, honest heart to heart discussion about the gospel, the church, testimonies, facts verses hurts? Would it help them or drive them deeper into their cause?

Is there a want or need to blame all the hurt and pain on someone?

Is the hurt suffered by insensitive bishops and stake presidents going to be the last straw that takes them down the path of faulty beliefs and away from the source of truth and peace?

Please do not think these questions come from a life of ease. I have not been immune to pain and to insensitive people -- ever.

Beginning as a child: I was/am blind as a bat. Back in my day eye wear was NOT cool and was ugly as can be.  I was lucky enough, in fourth grade, to own the ugliest pair of glasses ever sold! Period!  I got some horrible comments about me and my eye wear. Comments I still remember and still feel the sting of.

As a young woman: I was getting ready to go to the wedding of one of my friends, actually, besides me, she was the last one that wasn't married. My dad said to me; "Looks like you are going to be the old maid here." Yay! Thanks Dad. To this day I still hate that term. I didn't need that reminder. I needed his love and support.  It was a huge loss to me to have this friend marry. I suddenly was friendless and had no one loving me at that time.  (This is only one story of me and my dad.  I left out the worst one that I let almost ruin me.)

As a mom: I had just pulled my second mis-carried child out of the toilet. I knew he was going to be a boy.  I just knew it. There he was a miniature version of what his whole self could have been had it been his mission to live here on this earth. A woman, I thought was a friend, had the nerve to tell me while we sat in my home with my curtains drawn and my children in darkness more than a week by that point; "there isn't a doctrine of body/spirit assignment....likely this miscarried child would not ever be mine to raise." That was only one of the remarks I got from her and from countless other insensitive people who were trying to 'comfort' me in my pain.

As a wife: Oh don't let me even go there. That last one was enough of a memory. Most of the bishops who dealt with my issues of an unfaithful husband (prior to acknowledging addiction) just never could say the right thing. You know I was blamed for not being 'enough' in the bedroom.  I always wondered how in the world that bishop knew how I was in the bedroom anyway?  Don't blame my husband's problem on me. Read this (post) if you have more questions on what this life is like.


In each of these scenarios and in countless others that I haven't the time or space to mention I can and could even still let all this fester until it has eaten away at me pain by pain. I can blame God. Blame the church for not teaching people how to be real or true to their commandments not to judge.

Blaming takes the stewardship off of me. It gives me a place to put my pain and the injustices of mortality so that I don't have to deal with them or work through them or allow things to just be a part of this messy earthly probation.

It is easy to be mad too. To be angry with people who won't give you what you hope for in a desperate hour of need.







Let's talk about my acid analogy.

Acid has to be handled in a very specific way (http://www.ncnr.nist.gov/safety/acid.html). Only certain types of containers can hold acid without it eating away at what is supposed to be containing it.

Bitterness, hurt and anger are like that in people. If not managed it will eat away at the soul, cankering it. Ulcerating it. From the inside out.

As I sit here writing this post I currently have two horrible cankers in my mouth. I feel how angry they are. It is difficult to treat these. The location of the canker, the moisture in my mouth causes healing to be slow and troublesome for me. The pain from the cankers is causing my head to hurt a lot more than usual.  I suffer from migraines and chronic headaches, add in a couple mouth ulcers and I'm having a rough day today.  I hurt -- a lot.

In a life filled with pain it would be easy for me to feel like God has been an absent Heavenly Father.  His lack of care for what I've gone through could equate to even the Church not being true.

Don't guffaw at me here.

This is not an unusual conclusion to draw.  People I know and love with all my heart have walked me down their story path that begins with choices they made, pains they've felt, then led them to -- God doesn't love them and to the Church isn't true anymore.

Yikes!

Now would be a good time to insert my favorite quote.  I've had this in my signature line in my email for years.  This is quoted in the Healing Through Christ manual in step 1.  It is the teaching of Orson F. Whitney:

"“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.” (As quoted by Spencer W. Kimball, in Faith Precedes the Miracle, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1972, p. 98.)

I believe this to be true and cling to the promise that all that I've been through, and all I will go through here on earth will make me more like my Father and Mother in heaven.

If you are in a faith crisis and struggling it is difficult to turn your thoughts towards these principles.  I don't think the Adversary wants you to anyway. He's likely helped feed the thoughts that prove to you the church is a mess and couldn't be true, nor the feelings you had when you were baptized or receive that special witness.

Here are a couple of good articles to read on these points I'm making:

1.  In Your Time of Crisis
2.  Converted to His Gospel...

(A special thank you to a WoPA sister for pointing that second one out to me.  I was in search of that very talk myself in my own personal study on this issue.)


If I can make one plea to anyone who struggles with what they believe or used to believe or their religion, wait for a clear day to come to any resolution.  Dark days lead to even darker decisions and action courses.  The light of the gospel and the Church will always be a battle ground for the Adversary. He wants nothing more than to take us all down to his level of nothingness. It is easy to find controversial or 'anti' LDS articles on the internet these days. It's easy to be swayed by it, to question it and it is even more difficult to prove wrong. It's easy to see the elderly men who 'run' the church as problematic too.  It's easy to see what is wrong in our individual wards and call the Church wrong or bad or misguided. The Adversary loves it when we do this. He grabs hold of these thoughts we have and runs them as fast as he can away from the light and truth we once knew, felt and believed.

As a missionary I was taught to never banter or argue with people about the gospel. I learned early on the wisdom in this. Pondering upon the Saviors last days, and the day he stood before Pilate (video)  and the crowd of believers and accusers, I see the example he set.  He could have tried to convince the crowd, yet he stood silent. Some things just do not require proof. They stand on their own merit.  You choose to believe or not.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf:
What we sow, we reap.

God’s harvest is unimaginably glorious. To those who honor Him, His
bountiful blessings come in “good measure, pressed down, and shaken
together, and running over. … For with the same measure that ye mete withal
it shall be measured to you again” (Luke 6:38).

Just as earthly seeds require effort and patience, so do many of the
blessings of heaven. We cannot put our religion on a shelf and expect to
harvest spiritual blessings. But if we plant and nurture gospel standards
in the daily life of our family, there is a high probability that our
children will grow up to produce spiritual fruit of great value to them and
to future generations.

("God&# 39;s Harvest," Ensign, Aug. 2014)

There is so much about the Church and the Lord's plan that we cannot see. Not having that vision clear and living with the pain from the choices of an unfaithful spouse does put us in a place of questioning.  Hold on to those witnesses you had before your soul and your faith was tested to the breaking point. One day, all this will become clear and one day you will look back on all of this and see the wisdom of the plan.

Before I hit publish, I want one more time, to tell each of my WoPA sisters how much I dearly love you, how often I pray for you, and how very, very sorry I am that you have to live with the hurt your husbands cause. One day this will all make sense. Today it just sucks.

.  

What is Love Anyway?

Most of the conversing between H and I lately are happening by text.   Not the best forum.  Lots of things get misunderstood there.  It just feels safer -- at least, until yesterday.  I was in a particularly open place and let H know how dead I feel inside right now.   Spurring this question from H:

"So does that mean that you don't love me anymore?"

My breath stopped when I read that question.

How can I be authentic with myself and not hurt H?  

I said the only thing I could think of that wouldn't hurt either one of us...

 'You know, love is a funny thing.  It comes and goes.  Right now, mine is just stuck some place in between some horrible nightmare and what I hope might be true in the future.'

Maybe today, honestly wasn't such a bad thing.  H came home less distant and less stuck on how hard recovery is for me.  He let me fuss about about my hard day.  He offered to let me sit while he made dinner.  He sat with me while I watched Criminal Minds, and he hates that show.  He read a book (at my suggestion) but at least he didn't leave the room for a change.


This morning on his way out, he said, "I know you are having a hard time, but don't throw me out."

It never crossed my mind to 'throw him out.'   

I guess I just wanted him to know all this stuff I'm struggling with is because I'm having a hard time.

It reminds me of that conference talk by Elder Quentin L. Cook:  "Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time"  (   https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/hope-ya-know-we-had-a-hard-time?lang=eng )


This reminder came across my Facebook page yesterday around the same time that I was struggling  that text conversation with H.   (I have to wonder if the Spirit can reach me through this forum sometimes, the timing has some irony for me.)

Good advice for me and my current concerns. (I know a lot about waiting and being patient in my life's trials, it just doesn't hurt to be reminded God's timing and my timing are never the same.)