Running Head First Into Trauma

I've been thinking a lot about trials and pain, and about those unexpected trauma triggers that suddenly hit you blindside and T-bone you into a place you hadn't planned to be.  

I've heard (and experienced) that pain changes you. 

Right now I'm experiencing a different kind of pain.  One that I need to find a solution for.

My pain comes from the triggers that happen with affection.

(There's a a good basic article here on triggers: http://www.drjanicecaudill.com/blog/understanding-betrayal-trauma-trauma-triggers-for-partners-of-sex-addicts.html)


I'm struggling a lot with triggers right now in just the daily interactions with H.   I recoil and can't seem to rid myself of that reaction.  I'm ok with him being around --- just at a great distance.  We talk, we laugh and joke around.  We go places and do things.  All that is just fine, but much past that and I start to look for places to hide.  Emotionally hide and even physically hide some times.

I've struggled with  attachment issues before, but this feels so complicated and difficult to process through.

When my sweet little S was born I had a horrible detachment issue with him.  I was so excited to finally be a mom that this emotion shocked me.  I shamed myself for it and fought it tooth and nail those first few days in the hospital.   I figured my not wanting to be with the baby had more to do with 36 hours of labor and 6 hours of solid pushing that exhausted me (At one point I actually sent all the medical staff out of the delivery room so I could rest for a bit -- it was that bad for me).  Still that need for distance was there, it was real and I hated myself for it.

At another point,  I had issues again with this same wonderful S.  He was 11 and little D was just  new born.  The huge difference in size of these two children and both of them needing me emotionally and physically just about did me in.  I remember not even being able to hug S.  I felt so much shame.  I still feel a lot of shame looking back on that, although I try harder to be kinder to myself and to give myself a bit of that grace I wrote about last time.

It is easy to blame my previous experiences on postpartum depression (and cut myself some slack).  This current attachment problem has a different face to it, stemming more, I believe,  from addiction and all the fallout of living with an addict all these years.

Attachment -- Detachment.  Were these the same issue or two different and reasonably explainable ones?

What keeps happening to me that causes issues with connection?  Why am I so troubled by it?

Is it a lack of trust?  I'm not sure I can connect the issues with my babies to a trust concern.  So maybe that isn't a good comparison.

This really bugs me though.  Putting parts and pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle helps me to see what fits and what doesn't.

I should google this.  I saw a girl in a commercial say that internet has all the answers.  Right now I have none.  (smirk)

As I come to accept what I am dealing with as psychological trauma,  I see a great need to be gentle and patient with myself.  I don't have to rush to repair or fix this.  In fact, that is often the wrong approach.

Here's a great list of self-care recommendations:
 - Physical Self-Care
Eat regularly (e.g. breakfast, lunch, dinner)
Eat healthily
Exercise
Get regular medical care for prevention
Get regular medical care when needed
Take time off when sick
Get massages
Dance, swim, walk, run, play sports, sing, or do some other physical activity that is fun
Take time to be sexual--with yourself, with a partner
Get enough sleep
Wear clothes you like
Take vacations
Take day trips or mini-vacations
Make time away from telephones

 - Psychological Self-Care

Make time for self-reflection
Have your own personal psychotherapy
Write in a journal
Read literature that is unrelated to work
Do something at which you are not expert or in charge
Decrease stress in your life
Notice your inner experiences -- listen to your thoughts, judgments, beliefs, attitudes, and feelings
Let others know different aspects of you
Engage your intelligence in a new area, e.g., go to an art museum, history exhibit, sports event, auction, theater performance
Practice receiving from others
Be curious
Say no to extra responsibilities sometimes

 - Emotional Self-Care
Spend time with others whose company you enjoy
Stay in contact with important people in your life
Give yourself affirmations, praise yourself
Find ways to increase your sense of self-esteem
Reread favorite books, re-view favorite movies
Identify comforting activities, objects, people, relationships, places, and seek them out
Allow yourself to cry
Find things to make you laugh
Express your outrage in social action, letters, donations, marches, protests
Play with children

 - Spiritual Self-Care
Make time for reflection
Spend time with nature
Find a spiritual connection or community
Be open to inspiration
Cherish your optimism and hope
Be aware of nonmaterial aspects of life
Try at times not to be in charge or the expert
Be open to not knowing
Identify what is meaningful to you and notice its place in your life
Meditate
Pray
Sing
Spend time with children
Have experiences of awe
Contribute to causes in which you believe
Read inspirational literature (talks, music, etc.)

 For me, different triggers and trauma reactions require different types of processing and self-care practices.  I like lists when I'm too mired in the trauma to think it through.  Mostly, I like that I have permission to take care of me.  It isn't a natural thought process.   This lists helps a lot when I forget to give myself that permission so that I can work through the trigger or trauma reaction.


I started this post talking about how pain changes you.  I'm so down with that.   I've felt it -- lived it.   I know that this current pain and all these triggers will work themselves out one day.  I know that I should be patient with myself (and pray that H finds patience too).  I also know that recovery is a process that can take a lot of time and work.   I've heard it explained in the "Shreck" way.   You peel back layers and work each layer as it comes to you.  Other times it can be more like a freight train that hits you broad side and you deal with that mess and chaos as it comes.

Today:  Giving myself permission to accept this issue as a result of trauma.
             Giving myself time to work it out.  (Lots of time -- if necessary!)

"My Grace Is Sufficient"

2 Corrinthians 12:9
  "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:  for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."




I'm doing a study on "Grace" as it applies to my struggle with my recovery.  A few weeks ago I had an uncomfortable (word used loosely) meeting with my bishop.  It was evident as we spoke that he was clueless as to the effect this addiction has on the wife.  When he looked me in the eye and asked "why are you still struggling?," I wanted to run and hide.  I still feel so triggered by that experience.  Truly he does NOT get it.

"Christ's grace is sufficient to transform us" (Brad Wilcox)

This line alone,  in all my study,  comes as close as I'm going to get for why I need grace and what it is to me as a recovering wife of a sex addict.

It is to transform me.

I'm looking for a transformation right now.

A way free from the bonds of this trial.

Not a way out, but a way through what traps me and keeps me mired in the pain and the despair.  I recognize growth will come from it -- eventually, but what do you do in the meantime.  Because, unlike what my bishop knows or thinks -- this is a journey through a personal hell unlike anything that anyone can experience or compare.   A journey that can be long and convoluted depending on the depth of the spouses addiction.  The deeper the spouse gets in the ugliness of this -- the more pain and hurt is heaped on the heart of the wife that she will live with and need to process through.

I love the word "Grace" so much that I have it in a charm locket I wear frequently.



I bought this charm because of the significance of the word as it applies to how I want to see and treat others.  What I forget, is that I needed so desperately to gift it to myself as well.  Not just the charm, but the application of the word and all that it implies.

If grace is as Brad Wilcox says; to transform or to change -- then grace is such a needful part of the self-care that I need to do for myself as I change and transform.

I have done a lot of recovery work in the last year or so.  I started with Addo Recovery (http://addorecovery.com) initially learning about betrayal trauma and how that has impacted my life all these years.  Finding Addo was my 'balm in Gilead.'  Truly it was the salve that my heart was desperate for these many years.  From Addo I learned the terms, the whys, the explanation for what was really happening to me.  Without all this information -- there was no grace to give myself.   Prior to Addo, I was like my bishop, always wondering why I was struggling or why I couldn't just 'get over it'.

As I continued my recovery I knew that just as my head needed healing, my soul would too -- in a different way.  A friend in my Addo group lead me to the Healing Through Christ program (http://www.healingthroughchrist.org).

I never worked a 12-step program in my life before HTC.  I never thought I would ever have a need for one.  Wouldn't being active in the church protect me from that?  (Talk about a faulty belief.)  Still, I had the subconscious belief that I would some how skate past a need for 12-step type healing because of my testimony, my faith, my principled belief system.  Now, I can't see how I survived without it.  The faith I have built, the tools I have learned have been incomparable to any class or forum of gospel learning.  My HTC group is a sweet spot in my life.

Working a recovery program  is a crucial piece of my healing process, but it cannot be accomplished without the offering of grace, without the understanding of what grace really is as a gift from the Savior.

As I sat at my desk this afternoon with my phone and computer dialed in to my weekly 12-step meeting reviewing step 11 ("Seek through prayer, scripture study and meditation to know the Lord's will and to have the power to carry it out) I had the sweet witness of the Spirit that what I am learning and doing is 'nourishing me by the good word of God' and that I need to just keep on this path.  This is the path the Lord wants me on.  This recovery program will get me -- in the Lord's time, to where the Lord wants me to go.  I need to be patient with myself while I work to get there.

And be patient with a bishop who does not get this trial.


"Grace is not the absence of God's high expectations.   Grace is the presence of God's power."  (Brad Wilcox)




Christ's grace is sufficient to change me.






7/11/2014 -- Additional thoughts:
When I study a word, concept or principle, I'm also talking it up to anyone who will listen and walk with me while I think it through.  I love that I have friends that are there for me while I wallow in places I am not managing well.  

These two additional points, I hope, add to the depth of the word grace and what it needs to be for all of us.  (Thank you my friend for pointing my heart further towards my understanding and offering of grace.)

From the book entitled, "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (pg 47) we gain this insight:  "Not confronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both his giving the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning."

From Glennon Melton; "When we lie, we steal others chance to unleash the power of grace into our lives and into the world.  When we lie, we smother grace."

A Good Long Talk

Talking over issues is not my thing.  Emotions are tricky to navigate.  And where H is concerned, he is often so disengaged that he hangs his head, closes his eyes and will take long periods of time, sometimes as much as ten minutes before responding.  We also suck at that type of communicating that involves repeating back what you think the other one has said (sounds so condescending when we do it).  After years of marriage though, we've had our fair share of discussions.  Many that ended with one or the other of us walking off.  Many that were hours long with children left to their own devices and a DVD for companionship.

Our talks look nothing like this:

And more like this:

Add is some addiction and cheating and you get more like this:

H is in a better place now, which means I need to learn to communicate differently than I did during the deep addiction days.

It isn't an easy process.  Trust has been damaged so severely I find it physically restraining to the point that I cannot compel myself to share certain pieces of information.  

Which is so sad.

I grew up thinking when I married I would have this one person who would listen to all my thoughts and feelings just like I would listen to his.  We'd be best friends.  We'd share everything.  

That did not happen for me.

The last few days we've had a couple of good talks (Gold star for us on the heels of the week prior.).  Good in that no one got mad and stormed off.  Good in that we tried to listen without blaming and shaming.  A difficult task considering the topic we often talk about.  

Sunday morning seems to be our window of opportunity to talk.  Yesterday was no exception.   D wasn't feeling well and wanted to stay home from church.  I couldn't miss the first hour,  I'm the music director.  H and I would split the 3 hour block so D wouldn't be home alone.   In order for me to be ok leaving her, I needed to have a serious chat about my concerns of him being the parent in charge.

The old adage "when the cat's away..." is the M.O. of my home once I leave H in charge (and I say 'in charge' very loosely).  Respect for rules go out the window once I'm not there to enforce them.  Out they fly with the warning 'don't tell Mom.'  Needless to say, I avoid leaving H home with the kids.  Yesterday, I was stuck.  Little D didn't feel well enough to manage being home alone.  

As typically happens on a Sunday morning, a window opened up for H and I to chat.  Taking the conversation carefully down the slippery slope, compromised by ego, guilt, shame, and even entitlement, I attempted to navigate the conversation explaining why I had the issues I had.  I repeated often that even though this is difficult to hear, my objective isn't to shame or criticize.  I wanted H to know why I felt unsafe and to find a path forward for different behaviors than were previously employed.  

Many of the points I made regarding respect for the Sabbath, mutual goals for internet safety and internet policy, especially on a Sunday fit in well to the general topic of being a connected and involved parent.  

I felt like the discussion went well.  No one raised their voice.  While we weren't necessarily emotionally connected, there was at least understanding and kindness. 

I've been reading a lot about communicating over the past few weeks.  I figure something may jog something loose inside me and help me work though what isn't working right.  

I came across a couple things worth noting (not necessarily new -- just worth paying attention to when I am trying to talk with H).

From:  www.powertochange.com

Experts believe communication can be divided into five levels:

1. Level of acquaintance
2. Sharing of information
3. Sharing of ideas
4. Sharing of emotions
5. Gut level sharing

Wives often want a husband who can just sit down and listen, someone who can completely appreciate her emotions and views (Level 5). Husbands typically want to reason, maybe even give a lecture (Level 3). In this kind of situation, the wives may sometimes feel that they are talking to a wall. Eventually, the wives may stop sharing many of their feelings and thoughts. Thus, it becomes necessary for couples to learn how to communicate effectively.

Handling confrontations is an art like dance. Here are some steps you can take to master the dance of communication:

1. Never use the silent treatment.
2. Never use lies to cover up short comings.
3. Don’t get in-laws or friends involved right away.
4. Don’t be subjective in making any conclusions.
5. Never jump into conclusions, communicate and talk it over.
6. Discuss what actually happened, don’t judge.
7. Find out all the facts rather than start guessing at the motives.
8. Learn to understand each other, not to defeat each other.
9. Use future and present tense talking, not past tense.
10. Concentrate on the major problem, don’t divide attention by mixing in other minor problems.
11. First take care of the problems that hurt feelings in the relationship, then take care the problems arising from just differences in opinions.
12. Use “I feel” statements, don’t use “you are” statements.

And then something on the humorous side:  The Tale of Two Brains by Mark Gungor
It isn't really about how to communicate, but more about why we are so different in our communication. 

Check out his youtube here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxtUH_bHBxs


I totally accept that marriage is a bit of a  --

And marriage with an addict is more like --

And navigating the communication road of recovery looks (and feels) a lot like --

Still.....it is good to at least have a few chats that don't end up  --

It is nice to have a week where there is hope.

The Battle of Recovery

I'm going through a rough patch again.  I can't figure out if it is me expecting too much of H, or if the past 25 years are just weighing too heavy on me.  H tells me, "I'll never get past this."  Man, I hope that isn't true.

Yet, I keep wondering...

I think I'm getting past some of it, slowly maybe.

Doesn't having him back after all the women he has been with earn me a few pats on the back?

Not from H.

Lately, it feels like H thinks its no big deal and I should just put it all behind me and move on.

I was laying in bed the other night, unable to sleep when it dawned on me that I was never given that blessing I asked for after this all happened.  There was so much going on right then when H came back home.  Phone calls and meetings with both the bishop and stake president that I feel like I was sloughed to handle the more weightier matter of welcoming the prodigal son.

 -- Maybe all this is stirring up because we have missed two counseling sessions.
 -- Maybe its all the anger I see in H again.
 -- Maybe we need more recovery work, but counseling, recovery manuals and 12-step groups cost a lot of money that we don't have right now while we are trying to get our other home painted and on the market.

It just doesn't feel right lately.

We don't have family, prayer or scripture study, and if it wasn't for D, who loves to teach Family Home Evening, that wouldn't happen either.  D and I continue with our dailies during the day when H is away.  My pleas for H to join with us in this continue to fall on deaf ears (or is it a deaf heart?).

The afternoon we returned from H's disciplinary counsel,  we sat down to talk about what needed to change in our family, home and marriage to make it through this year of him being excommunicated. We talked about making sure the basics of prayer and scriptures were done.  We talked about changes that would help us have a more spiritual and peaceful Sabbath.   We talked about him ramping up to become that spiritual leader that he was supposed to have been all along.    A year isn't a long time to get right all the things that have been wrong these past many years.  He agreed that afternoon.
But since that conversation --


Nothing!

Some where during the years of all this addiction, probably even before that as a young boy in a dysfunctional home, H learned to emotionally disconnect.  The worry of never being right, or good enough weighed on his little boy self until it has exacerbated into this huge adult issue.  Our conversations crash into this issue constantly.

There is a really good article on the broken brain of an addict that I really like.  His breakdown of the difference of the brain verses the mind I especially like.  It explains a lot of why H and I are struggling with how we process the issues between us.


You can find that here - (http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=49850&cn=1408).

When I'm down and struggling with the weight of all of this I like to read this post:

  http://rowboatandmarbles.org/cannot-fathom-pain-sex-addiction-caused-wife.html

It reminds me that this addiction brings 'unfathomable pain' to the wife.  For me, pulling babies out of toilets when miscarrying was no where near as hard as this.  I was sure then, that my heart was broken beyond repair as I sat there holding the life-less body of the baby I desperately wanted a chance to love and raise.

Back then, I didn't know about the carnage of the soul that happens to a wife of a sex addict.  I know it well now.  Miscarriage does not hold a candle to this pain.

I don't know how long I will fight this battle of recovery.  I don't know, nor could I possibly be expected to tell what bumps and bruises might occur along this path.  What I do know is that one day I expect to be whole, but that won't be in this life.  While I walk the path of mortality, I can hope for a solid grasp on recovery,  regardless of what H does.  No, I won't be 'cured'.   I will still have the scars of this trial.  I will still work a recovery program of sorts all my days.

"Accessing the Atonement does not mean we rid ourselves of the consequences of our actions"  (Or the actions of others)


I continue to work on forgiving my husband for his actions, but that does not mean that I continue to accept mistreatment.  I continue to strive to keep our marriage together, as long as H works to do the same.  At the same time, I continue to work on me.  I continue to strive to allow the atonement to heal the broken and abused pieces of my heart.  I continue to trust my Heavenly Father that all will be made right one day.  

Recovery is not an event.  I'm trying to remind myself of that today.

Getting Back on Track

I took a week off from my blog, my life, my therapy and pretty much everything else to attend our stake girls camp.  I was the head cook (I think I must have lost my head to accept this assignment).  I had a blast with the girls, but not so much fun with the other two ladies that signed up for this laborious task of feeding 200 girls 3 meals a day.

When I say I took a week off from everything -- it was literally  everything.  I missed my 12-Step meeting, my counseling session, my support groups and I missed everything that I typically need to do to keep myself on track.  I noticed the loss often as the week progressed.

 H took the week off too. He came up to camp to help in me in the kitchen.  As short as I am, I knew I was going to need help with those giant bowls and pans in that kitchen.  Wow!  Some of them were huge!.  And, surprisingly, not big enough for the amount of food I needed to shove into them to mix and stir and distribute to 200 hungry girls.

It was a challenging week for H.   Getting men (or what we, in the church, call 'priesthood') up to help for the week proved to be challenging for the women in charge of girls camp.  Why is it that men won't sacrifice for this service?  H found it incredibly difficult to be in all the places all those leaders wanted him to be.  I found it frustrating to have to keep letting him take off on someone else's errand, when he came to help me.  He isn't even technically 'priesthood' anyway right now.

Either way, H was frustrated.  He was frustrated with the amount of work.   He was frustrated with the less than desirable, mice infested living conditions, and he was frustrated that he took a week of vacation to do what he realized he would not have agreed to do -- had he known what it really entailed.

I find a lot of irony in H's realizations.  As he would complain about this or that last week, I kept thinking to myself that had I known what I was getting into marrying him, maybe I wouldn't have signed up to give my time away to that kind of assignment either.

But there we were -- slaving away at girls camp.
And here we are -- struggling through a marriage infected with addiction.

Maybe in your right, well-informed mind, you wouldn't sign up for any hard, challenging, soul-testing, gut wrenching, physically draining assignment -- if you really knew what you would have to do to get through them.  

The hours were horrible.  I would open the kitchen around 5:30 AM and not leave some days until closer to 10:00 at night.  It was hot and sweaty, before we turned on the ovens and grills.  The Missouri humidity was in full force the week we were at camp.   Huge dirty dishes that needed to be washed made us wet and grimy as well.

In between the heat, sweat, humidity, dirty dish water --  there were these delightful young women who came in to the kitchen to help.   Their smiles brightened me.  Their silly camp songs and beautiful voices made light work of the ga-jillion plates, cups, forks, knives and spoons coming through the window to the dishwasher.  Some of these beautiful girls came to help more often than they were supposed to -- because you some how, touched them.  You made a connection that drew them back to you.  They chose the mess and heavy work of the kitchen over another class or event they could have attended.

And that made all the difference at the end of the day.

Of course I left the kitchen exhausted, but I left happy.  I left thinking about the laughs we had with the girls that  had kitchen chores that day.   Those happy times made the work load and long hours ever so worth it -- to me, at least.

I know that has to be true for what I deal with at home too.

Living with addiction is one of the most painful trials I have ever gone through.  It has been even more difficult and painful than six miscarriages.  More difficult than the miscarriages that lead to pulling my lost babies out of the toilet.

No one in their right mind signs up for this test.  How it came to be dumped on me wasn't the same way the camp cook assignment happened, but I see so many parallels in the experiences.

* I recognize the steep learning curve.   It took a few meals at camp to comprehend the volume of food it takes to feed 200 people.  It took a few meals to learn to manage my time so that the food was ready when dinner was scheduled.  Likewise, it was years of pain and confusion before we ever began to dare say the word 'addiction'.   It took tons of counseling, books on recovery, 12-step, support groups and so much more to muddle my way through this until I felt like I wasn't drowning in despair.   It takes time to learn to manage a challenge.

* I recognize the need for a strong support system.  Without a strong support system in the kitchen last week we had chaos and delay.  We needed to work together, with an understanding of the end goal to find success.    Part of my floundering all those years was due to trying to cope on my own.  The support from women who understand my pain has been a tremendous healing balm to me.  I didn't have to work this alone anymore once I realized there were organizations filled with women who had been there - - and knew!

*I recognized the need for determination and "stick-to-itiveness".   A couple times last week when the work got too hard there was a break down with the help.  There was frustration, complaining, and bad feelings.  I've had that happen too,  with addiction in the marriage.  I've been over-loaded and too weary to go on.  (Please know, that if you are reading this and you have taken a path toward divorce, these comments are in no way meant as judgement or finger pointing for not sticking it out.  There have been times when I have felt it was time to end my marriage as well.  I do not judge that choice.  It belongs to those in their own trenches).  I've made the choice to remain married, therefore, I need to keep a firm grasp on my determination to get to the end goal.

Over the past couple of days home from camp,  while I've sorted through the dirty laundry piles, I've thought a lot about what I missed being away from my recovery resources.  I missed the connections I have come to trust and lean on.   What surprised me, looking back, was to see that I took with me more tools and resources and strength that I ever knew I had.

I've learned to work with others in different ways than I ever used to.  I've learned to be patient and loving with myself and to give myself room to learn as I do hard things.  I've learned that its ok to cry -- in front of people even, when things get too hard for a minute.  I've learned that I don't run away from a challenge no matter how difficult the people are that I have to work with.  I've learned that people may complain about me and how I do things, but others think I'm amazing.  I've learned to hold on to what lifts me, not what takes me down.

Most importantly, I've learned that how I look at difficult challenges -- makes all the difference in the world -- to me!

I can do hard things.

Last week,  I did something incredibly difficult.  It was a challenge I didn't have experience with.  I pulled it off with flying colors.  I didn't please every one, but I pleased the Lord -- and that is enough for me.

Today,  I am back home, to my regular challenge, ready to take what I learned, what I gained, and apply it to my recovery work.  Today, I am back on track, lifted from an experience I had no clue I'd have to go through and so grateful for what it taught me about me.

I can -- do hard things!

Why Can't I Feel?

I want to say that life with H since April has been pretty good, surprisingly so.   I say that because a huge part of me daily struggles with this current reality.  When H and I got married I had no clue to the secret life H lived.  I started building a home and a life based on what I believed love and marriage to be, based on my experience and values.  I built and built that life for years until suddenly that world I built came crashing down on top of me.  Suddenly what I thought I had was no where near what I once believed it to be.



Suddenly all those gut feelings I was experiencing became my reality.   I didn't have all the evidence yet,  but I knew.

I hurt knowing.  The pain was incredible.

I was a alone in this.  No one to talk to.  Who would you talk to about your husband cheating on you anyway?  

I needed a way to cope.  What I must have come to, all those years ago was numbing.

   

Numbing, is obviously,  not the best technique to employ.  It was all I had.  There wasn't message boards or Facebook where you could interact in an online social setting with those of a like condition.  Back then I didn't even call it "addiction".  I wouldn't have even thought to seek out an addiction recovery group.  Had I,  I would have thought that was just for the addict anyway.   Twenty-five years later we now know the spouse/partner needs a recovery program as well.

That's now.
Back then, I was stuck, alone, and helpless.

Back then, I plastered on the best happy face I could muster under the circumstances and continued to build my home, take care of my little one and put one foot in front of the other every day.

This works -- sometimes...

Other days (or nights) I would cry myself to sleep, watch too much TV, or eat.  If there was money to shop, I might have done that too.

I was still alone.

H wasn't emotionally present in our relationship.  He enjoyed our little S.  Most of our happy times came from what we shared together in our child.  As a couple we lived emotionally distant lives.

Having my little one gave me something to fill my days.  It pointed me in a direction I could follow in spite of much emptiness in my marriage.   I put my heart and soul into that little one.  When my nights were painful and lonely, the days could be brightened by the laugh of the little gift God gave me.  Whatever emotions I could express happened because I was a mother.    Whatever emotions I expected to experience in my marriage remained part of the dream that never fully came true.

As days turn into years and the trauma increased by more betrayal, my numbing increased as well.  Until now years later, try as I might, I feel dead inside and find it difficult to conjure up emotions.    What does it mean when H says he loves me?  He used to say it before.  I came to realized that wasn't true.  Or at least he was able to say he love me and be intimate with other women too.  The incongruence in that dashed what ever faith, truth, or trust I might have believed my marriage held.

Confusion, dashed realities and doubt all combine inside me causing me quite a  challenge to feel emotions I want to feel.

Or to trust what I hear.

I found this little 'ah-ha' here (http://www.onlinecounseling.org/lack_of_emotions.htm) while trying to figure out a path forward to feeling.

The Counseling Response  

Whenever we try to shut off close down or avoid certain emotions, the problem is that everything else can get shut down as well. It’s not like there’s one dial for happiness, another for sadness, and yet another for anger. 

We either feel our emotions or we don’t. If you want your positive emotions back, you will have to open up to the negative ones and work through them. The reasons why we shut down emotions are all based on fear, but with different variations.

As I begin to research solutions, I realize this happened to S in a tragic way as he grew older.  I numbed myself so well that once he was no longer a little boy needing so much love and interaction I shut down pieces of me too -- to avoid potential pain.

As I look back at the memories I realize the damage of numbing has been far reaching.


Usually, PTSD numbing does reduce the positive feelings of joy and love, but not the anxious feelings of fear and dread. So it is common to have high anxiety but low mood. And PTSD, by definition, includes some "emotional anesthesia."  (http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/FAQ-Professionals-PTSD-Treatment-for-Emotional-Numbing.html)

I can get my mind around this concept of "Emotional anesthesia" because of the length of time I have suffered from betrayal trauma.  Without a place to work through the trauma I needed an anesthesethic for it.  The more the trauma occurred the more anesthesia it took to numb me.

"Healing from the impact of betrayal is not a linear experience that starts out with the pain of discovery and then automatically feels better with time. Instead, it’s a unique journey for each couple based on several factors such as the unfaithful partner’s willingness to tell the truth, previous betrayals, duration of the affair, and other factors." (http://www.stgeorgeutah.com/news/archive/2013/11/07/relationship-connection-how-long-is-too-long-to-struggle-after-my-husbands-affair/#.U5dLIV5hu-g)

I want all these broken,  emotional numb pieces of me..


.....put back together


Betrayal trauma is so very similar to post-traumatic stress disorder which is exhibited with flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, or fear of anything reminiscent of the original trauma it can take years to heal or to fully trust again.

These conditions still exist for me.  They still break me down.  They still cause me to continue to numb and block emotions that may be ok to trust.

I don't know where to go from here.  If I were H, I would want a genuine, and as equally emotionally matched reply to words of affection.  If I were H,  I would probably feel some rejection from a lack of response.

This is all so tricky and complicated for me.  Its exhausting as well.  I work my mind around what I read and study, which gives me all the validation I need.

Just no answers for what to do to fix it.

I'm going to leave it here for now.  I'm heading out the door to counseling with my head full of a lot of stuff I need to process through more.  I don't know where the answers will come from.  I just know I need to find them.  Being emotionally numb right now will likely slow the process of H's recovery.  I don't want that.  Still, I don't want to rush mine either.





                                                                     

Trying To Believe Him

I've mentioned in a few posts about my little girl Cinderella story.  I mentioned my LDS version with a beautiful white dress, a temple and family there to witness and celebrate.  It is no small fact, with a blog like mine and all the posts I've written, that those things did not happen.

At all!

What happened instead was something entirely different.  Something painful.   Something no young girl is ever prepared for as she grows up in the church planning this big life event.  No Young Women adviser ever taught a lesson on how to deal with lies or cheating.  Some young wives need to know that. Some wives even need to know about addiction (that dirty little word we don't like to say in meetings on Sunday).

I did have many other beautiful lessons.  I would never discount the wonderful program girls in the church are provided.  The leaders are amazing women.  Likely some of them going through all those things that you never talk about in class.

I survived anyway, without that specific training for the particular trials of my marriage.

"For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward."  D&C 58:26

We are not commanded in all things because of the gift of agency we were given.  Agency to choose for ourselves.  Agency even to learn for ourselves so that we can make wise choices.  Or not.  Some people we love dearly make choices that cause us tremendous pain.

What happens to a girl who sat in those classes learning all those beautiful lessons and trying to prepare herself to be worthy to have this dream come true -- and it doesn't?   A lot of things happen.  Struggle, growth, pain, loneliness and isolation, small victories, big failures happen on that roller coaster of life.

So what's the big deal?  Most marriages are like that.  No two people are so compatible that there are a few riffs in their marriage relationship.

It is a big deal to be lied to for 25 years.
It is a big deal to be cheated on over and over either with a person or with the internet or pictures.
It is a big deal when infidelity and addiction are part of the challenges of marriage.


Now, after those 25 years,  this is a big deal too...

He's working recovery.
He's going to church.
He's trying.
He listens better when you say that hurts or that sounds like addict talk.
He's aware of triggers.


Now, I'm the one who gets to choose


I'm struggling though in my choosing.


I struggle to believe after all the lies, after all the anger, and all the pain.


"All that has come into our lives was designed to prepare us to become who we are and to help us learn the lessons we came here to learn.  There is a purpose for and a gift from each relationship, even the most painful relationship."  Healing Through Christ, p75 Step 8

My relationship with H has been a painful one, for him and for me.   Each of us bringing hurt and pain into the life that was supposed to be full of love and happiness.

 As H has struggled with addiction, anger, deception,  I've struggled with my own anger at all the lies and deception.  I've struggled to love someone who doesn't love in return. I've struggled to not hold resentment, even if I've said I've forgiven him.

Now, I struggle to believe.

I struggle with how to feel about the behavior I see now (and really have yearned for all these many years).  I struggle with the fear of opening up and being real with him again.

Today, in group, these words stood out to me; "Forgiveness, right relationships and peace begin inside  us."  

I believe this.  I know this is a true principle.  What I need to do is center myself in this truth so that as I try to work through the confusion it will be the peace that grounds and centers me.  It will be what helps me believe the changes H is making are real.

This is no small feat.  For years, I believe H.  I believe him, until evidence proved otherwise.  When that happened my world crashed around me into tiny pieces.  Pieces that couldn't be put back together.

And it happened over and over.

Just when I thought things were improving.  Just when I was starting to believe.  I'd come across something that would set in motion the explosion of my little world.   All that would be left are tiny pieces impossible to reassemble.

How do I believe him now?  I didn't know truth from fiction most of my 25 year marriage.

The answer: Evidence.

Matthew 7:20 'Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.'

My goals this week:
 *  Learn to ground myself in peace.
     Keep an eye on real evidence.
     Trust that you'll be warned, like you were all the other times before if its not safe to trust.

 *  Trust in all the wisdom you've gained over the past year of therapy.

 *  Don't force this.
     You'll know when its safe enough to be vulnerable.
     For now, you can still live whole-hearted and true -- even if it is on a cautious side.