Moving Forward

I don't know if I was brave or stupid.  I felt both emotions, and many more as I sat in the Stake High Council room Sunday morning.  Both H and the Stake President were a little hesitant of my being there as well.  I already knew in my gut and heart what the out come would be, still I asked if I could be allowed to be included.

I sat through it all anyway.  

I sat through it to support H.  

I sat through it for closure.  

I sat through it to hear what H would really say and how he would tell his side of the story. (Maybe I wanted to be sure it was told correctly.  Not that it would matter.  I would never be brave enough to speak out in a room full of men -- 16 of them.)

I sat through it and cried while H cried. 

I sat through it and all sounds of silence so thick around the room as the men listened.  (Maybe it was the spirit.   It was such a sad and heavy feeling that it was hard for me to not notice the pain in it.  Maybe the Holy Spirit has a sad side too when the deeds of the children of God have offended Him.)

In the end, the Stake President told me three times how right it was for me to be there.  H said the same thing over and over throughout the day.  Several of the High Counselors mentioned being grateful for my presence and for my words of faith and encouragement.   The sweetest compliment came from the 1st counselor to the SP, he said as he shook my hand on the way out the door, "I didn't know you very well before, but now I feel I know you very deeply and see what a beautiful and tender soul you have."  

The kindness was so touching.   Not just what was offered me, but what was extended to H as he walked the room at the end of the council to shake each man's hand.   It was the piece of this whole disciplinary thing that I wanted to experience.  I told H before we left the house Sunday morning one of my reasons for wanting to experience the whole process with him was so that I could feel that sweet piece of kindness and brotherhood.  I would need to know it for those rough days that are surely to come.   I would then be able to remind him of the good, of the love and acceptance, of the compassion.  I would be able to remind myself too.

H managed the whole experience fairly well.  He's brought up a couple times in the past 24 hours how heavy the outcome has been on his heart.  He said he knew it would be hard, he just didn't expect the loss to feel so deep.  

Now we go forward.  Me a member, H not.  We start over.  H gets a second chance.  Its good for him.  A new beginning.  An opportunity to make right years of ugly wrongs.  One day he'll come to the  Lord cleaned of all of this.  It is such a wonderful gift God gives to his children.  The Lord will remember no more.

I'm trying to find the words for a wife to hold to in this whole thing.  I do remember.  It isn't that I can't get it off my mind.  It is more that the effects of repeated trauma follow me.  It makes me mindful of behaviors or words that might indicate a return to old behaviors.  I need to be aware of signals and clues.  I never want to go back to this anymore -- back to more pain,  to more infidelity.  I have had enough.

For H, the prodigal son has returned, he's welcomed with open arms.  As it should be.  Wondering souls need love and acceptance so very badly.  They need hands to hold as the walk the rocky mountainous path back to full fellowship.  So many people will sit with H's pain as he walks from the dark back into the light.

But what about the wife?  As the husband is worked back into the fold, counseled with, visited, encouraged, challenged, the wife is in the background.  Parts of that are a little sticky in my mind right now.

Will re-baptism clean up all the ugliness that landed on her?

Please don't read bitterness in this.  I am not in anyway bitter.  I am so very relieved to watch H willingly go through this very humbling process.  With all my heart I want him to feel the Savior's love and know his own worth and to know he is not his mistakes.  

I'm just looking for words to sink myself in to for the wife's part.  I need a book on this.  I've got tons on addiction and betrayal trauma.  Each one has been so helpful.  Is there not anything to help me with this spiritual side?   Hasn't some amazing LDS writer written on healing a wife damaged by her husband's sexual addiction?   I need one on that topic.

I'm grateful for time to work on processing my part of it.  To work to apply the Atonement for each of the different levels of this trial.  Working back from excommunication takes time.  At least a year before re-baptism and at least another year before the First Presidency can be petitioned for a restoral of blessings.  

Time will be our friend.  

Prayers will be more constant as this phase brings on a new set of tests.  

Please help me Father to trust your plan and to have the ability to thwart the Adversary as he works on me and H to keep him from returning to Thee.

Processing Trauma

I suck at this right now.  I'm hurt and angry, yet I'm expected to act kind and loving when those are not the emotions I feel at present.

Marilyn Tenney said this at today's Togetherness Conference held in Phoenix, Arizona; " Relational Trauma overwhelms the coping strategies and can define the relationship as a source of danger rather than a safe haven in times of stress.  Because we are wired to connect with others, the closer the person who hurts us, the more traumatic the experience."

I've mentioned betrayal trauma as a PTSD-like condition.  PTSD defined is, a condition created by exposure to a psychologically distressing event outside the range of usual human experience, one which would be markedly distressing to almost everyone, and which causes intense fear, terror, and helplessness.

Yeah, I've got that.

Right now, there has to be a way to balance the emotions.  A method I can apply to feel the emotions of the recent disclosure and while not diminishing the pain still be present emotionally for H.

Easier said than done.

I spoke with the stake president this past week in conjunction with H's church disciplinary council.  He mentioned that I might have  'some difficulty' dealing with the issues H has brought into the marriage.

Some?

Did he really listen to ALL  of H's disclosure?

This week in group we worked on part of step 2.  Some of my take-aways that I'm using to help me process this current disclosure are:

1.  Adversity does not happen to us, it happens for us.
2.  We can become whole throughout Christ even if we currently feel broken
3. Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord.
4.  "Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us" Elder Uchdorf
5.  Gratitude diminishes the power of the problem
6.  When He says to the poor in spirit, "come unto me, ' He means He know s the way out and He knows the way up.


I really need to work through that #3.  If that holds any truth for me, that I'm suffering 'needlessly' then I have to figure out how to give more of this to the Lord.  Why put myself through more suffering that I need to when I hold a key to prevention?

I'm challenged though.  All of the focus from locals who know is directed towards H.  He's a returning 'lost soul.'  He needs them to reach out to him and help catch him, save him, point him back on the path.  While I don't want to minimize the great need for this.  It does leave me in a forgotten place.

Even the SP didn't bother to ask if I was ok.  Just told me if I have difficulty with any of it to read and pray more.    (insert little snicker here  -- but please don't take that wrong.  I know the scriptures are a valuable resource.  They just are not the only part of good betrayal trauma healing.)

Tomorrow is our big day, or at least H's.  I'm thinking this is a lot why I stink at not letting go and letting God.  The end result of the disciplinary council will have a big effect on our lives.   I need to trust in who holds the future and who knows what both H and I need to grow and become who God wants us to be.

I know its ok for me to struggle with this.  I don't have to be good at it -- I just have to keep trying.  Once foot in front of the other every day.

I Know More Than 17 Names

Warning:  Please know, if you are reading this post today, I am purging.  If my truths or my story are too much, know that I understand.  Thank you for reading and commenting in the past.  I hope if you skip this post you'll be back again one day.  Your comments and support are huge to me.
**********************

I have been sitting down at this blog every day for the past two weeks trying to get the words to flow in a way that expresses my feelings without disrespecting H.  I want, no,  I need to tell my story.  This is my life.  The things I write about happened to me.  These experiences are the ones that are tearing me down, or hopefully, helping to build me back up.   I find that I am often locked up in the telling.  This story is difficult.  Pieces of it raw and painful.  I don't want my healing to cause H more pain.   Keeping it locked away, as if it didn't really happen has been hurting me.  I'm not going to recover until I can hear me tell my story.

I know more than 17 names.

In the past four years H's acting out has exacerbated to the extreme.  He's lived double lives with other women while I believed we were progressing well, and living a life together -- just the two of us.  We've taken trips, held new grand babies, purchased a second home, all while he has lived a life with another women.   And this is not the first time this has happened in my 25 year marriage.

H has had multiple sex partners.  Sexually "seeing" several women at the same time.

H has entertained bi-sexual women.

H has lied. And lied some more.

Through all of this, H returns and leaves so often from my life, and my home, I feel like a revolving door.

Here I go again.

Two weeks ago H began texting me frequently throughout the day.  The two weeks prior had been pretty silent.  When H left with his venomous words of 'I won't be back this time.'   I was grateful for the silence and distance to help heal from those stinging words.

These texts sounded engaging, pleasant.
He wanted something.
I didn't trust them.
I don't trust him.

When H came back in February, it was with the promise that he would come clean with everyone he'd been with and to what extent.  He'd show me the email, the instant messages, texts,  phone numbers.   I wanted to see it all.  He promised.  He lied.

I saw nothing.

We spent the next six weeks avoiding each other.
I wanted disclosure and truth.
H wanted to hide his crimes in the shrouded lies and duplicity.

The anger got worse.
The nights at work longer.
With all his electronics password protected I had no proof.
Still, I asked for the truth again,
H left.

H left and went back to a woman he'd initially been with when all this started four years ago.  How does that work?  They just wait around for him?   For two or three years?

I don't get this lifestyle or the mindset of these kinds of women.  I try not to judge and pray God will forgive me when in my pain I have judged them.  I've called them names.  Words I have never ever said before.

H's place of preference has become hookup sites. I'm amazed,  no, shocked at the amount of women who are married or looking for a married man to 'hook up' with.  In the last four years he has found plenty of opportunity to explore a side of sexuality that doesn't work with me.  That language disgusts and repels me.  It makes me feel used and dirty.  I hate what this addiction has turned my husband into.  He is not the man I once knew.

When H and I are separated he turns to those places to fill up the void and the hurt.   Knowing this makes me cry.  It also makes me want to hit him.  I don't, but I recognize those twin emotions.  I'm grateful they are both there.  I'm grateful that in all of this I've not be consumed by hatred.  I easily could have.

I know more than 17 names.

The more women I know who share this trial, the more I realize how different we all are when it comes to the amount of information we need at disclosure.  Because H is a liar and skilled at a duality of lifestyles I dig until I feel confident I have the truth.

This time, I have been even more relentless in my queries.  I would not even consider H's return without his willingness to answer every one of my questions.  Even if I asked them over and over.  I also wouldn't tolerate any anger or defensiveness.  When the 'grilling' became too much, we took a break.  I didn't want to shame H as he disclosed.  I hoped the truth would set him free like the scriptures teach.  I hoped that having everything out this time, not February's 'everything' or January's everything, or December's, but the everything that should have come out before it ever came to separation.  The everything kind of truth that God knew.

H cried as he answered my question.

I paced the floor like a caged animal and the stories unfolded.

I know more than 17 names.

I'm sure there are some I don't know.  I'm confident that there are truths that still have not been told.  I'm not sure I will ever know everything.  I'm confident that H doesn't even know the truth.  He has lived a life of deception for so long that the falsehoods are mingled into his reality making one big, unravel-able knot.  Only the Savior can undo this part.

For now,  I'm trusting in that kind of grace and mercy, for H and for me.

I cannot think of a more difficult test than to be constantly forgiving an unfaithful spouse.  No matter the depth of the infidelity, betrayal is a miserable and painful trial.  Women, like myself, who deal with repetitive betrayal have a very difficult and often lonely recovery to get through.

This isn't like job loss, or surgery.  You don't go around your neighborhood or ward talking about your husband's addictions or how he sexually acts out.  You wear this trial in silence.  All the hurt and broken-ness invisible to those around you.  And if, in a moment of desperation, you are brave and share,  shunning happens.  It happens in the form of doubt or justifying or even blame.  Words like 'all guys do this, its no big deal.'  Or, "you should have been more available to your husband so he wouldn't have strayed."  Some of the most painful remarks come from ecclesiastical leaders who tell you to pray harder, study your scriptures more, attend the temple more regularly.

No one knows that I know more that 17 names.  No one, but this page and a few brave supporters who have made it this far.  (If that is you,  know that I love you and have survived only because of the support I have receive here and in my private recovery groups.)

In the past two weeks since H came home, again, it is a constant battle in guiding the thoughts that come into my mind and set my physical body into turmoil.  I often want to throw up.  I often shake uncontrollably.   Betrayal does this to the soul.  The battle is not only emotional -- it is very, painfully, excruciatingly physical as well.

In the past two weeks I have also felt joy.  Having H home completes me.  That should sound unbelievable (and maybe insane)  on the heels of my 17 name revelation.   I've known this man more than half my life.  I've loved him longer than any other human being, aside from the familial love I have for my parents and siblings.  I've been through more trials and more joys with this man than with any other human being.  We've planned and executed more dreams.  We've survived more failures.  We've born and buried children together.

These are the reasons H keeps coming home even though I know more than 17 names.

Last week H went to see the bishop.  He made that appointment on his own.  Tomorrow he sees the stake president.  Also an appointment he set on his own.

Two more reasons to hope.

I have to compel myself to believe what H says to me right now.  Every word runs past that filter of doubt.  I'm constantly asking myself if these are words he said to woman #5 or number #12 or even to all of them.

I'm in a numb stage right now.  I'm scared to death of the anger that has to be breathing down my door.  H has never been able to see anger as stemming from hurt.  He sees it as rejection -- which then causes  him act out.

I hate this vicious cycle.

For the first time, in 25 years we talk about my emotions.  We talk about my right to get mad and what H can do to allow those feelings without him absorbing them and feeling that rejection.  H has never been able to go there with me.

He told me yesterday, in one of my low points, how surprised he was that I haven't struck him.

Is it believable that he can actually see how ugly this is for me.

Two weeks ago I added more names to my list.  Its more than 17 now.  Its more pain than any one soul should ever have to bear.

But I do.

I'm not sure why.  I'm not even sure how I am able to.

I am furious.  To say otherwise would add my deception to all of H's.

I hate this life.  Those 17 names.  Even sometimes this man I'm married to.  I hate this addiction.  I hate how it tears down the soul and damages the core of the addict and his wife.

I try not to be angry at God though.  I try to hold to my trust in a loving Heavenly Father, and in his divine plan.

I've been told all my life that losses will be made right.  How can God give me a marriage of fidelity?  That is my loss.  How can God take away more than 17 names from the list of women who have shared this marriage?

I have no answers.  Just faith.

It is that faith that has gotten me out of bed each morning the past 14 days.  It is that faith that keeps me from crumbling on the floor of the shower as I try to start yet another day with all this heavy weight on my heart.  It is that faith I'm holding on to right now for dear life.  For fear if I let go, the grief and anguish will wash me away.

Forgiveness

Additional thoughts after today's HTC meeting:  

From step 1 "..pray to leave our own judgement concerning their disease to the Lord."  

I originally wrote this post because of issues stemming from a meeting with my bishop this past Sunday.  Comments made about how I accept outcomes of a previous council bothered me greatly.  I wanted to be given the time to work it out in my mind and not be compelled to accept.  Knowing the judgement is the Lord's while also accepting that I am not in a perfect state yet.  I am here in mortality with mortal/human thoughts and hurts.  

Today I'm grateful for this teaching from my meeting.  I can 'pray to leave the judgement"  shows me that I can have the time I need to work though my issues and feelings until I can align my will to Gods.



_____________


In the 25 years I have been married to H I have visited and re-visited the topic of forgiveness over and over.  I read every article I came across when the issue was fresh or the issues of forgiveness needed more evaluation and application   I've prayed to come to understand what is required of me to forgive the painful wounds H caused me.

Fidelity was not a strong trait of H's.  I knew that going in to the marriage.  I wasn't delusional thinking that marriage would cure the issues that H brought into our marriage.  I knew we came from different backgrounds, with different levels of morals and values.  I knew married life would be tough.   I just didn't' realize how often I would have to re-learn how to forgive, or how hard I would strive to come to terms with the challenges of forgiveness and my natural woman.

The issues of infidelity repeated themselves over and over as the years passed.  Each point of discovery brought back all the older unresolved offenses.  It became increasingly difficult to see my way through. I had no resources for healing in the early years of marriage.  Regardless of the lack of healing, I still had to forgive.

“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

“But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matt. 6:14–15.) 

I knew I had to forgive  -- if I wanted forgiveness for my sins.  

I also knew that even if H wasn't repentant or wouldn't forsake the behaviors -- I was still required to forgive.

I'm not talking about the 'forget it and let it go' kind of forgiveness.  I'm talking about the kind that you do with your whole heart.  Because that is the only kind of forgiveness God recognizes.

Whole-hearted forgiveness was a difficult task for me after the many times my heart was broken by the one who was supposed to hold it, love it and care for it for time and all eternity.

A study of forgiveness most often begins here:  Matthew 18:21–22:

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?  Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

70 times 7.  We all know that.  We can all do the math and realize that is a lot of forgiving.  

How does it work though when someone repeats, repeats, repeats….

Further scriptural study takes you to these verses in the Doctrine and Covenants, section 98:

 39 And again, verily I say unto you, if after thine ^aenemy has come upon thee the first time, he repent and come unto thee praying thy forgiveness, thou shalt forgive him, and shalt hold it no more as a testimony against thine enemy—

 40 And so on unto the second and third time; and as oft as thine enemy repenteth of the trespass wherewith he has trespassed against thee, thou shalt ^aforgive him, until seventy times seven.

 41 And if he trespass against thee and repent not the first time, nevertheless thou shalt forgive him.

 42 And if he trespass against thee the second time, and repent not, nevertheless thou shalt forgive him.

 43 And if he trespass against thee the third time, and repent not, thou shalt also forgive him.

 44 But if he trespass against thee the fourth time thou shalt not forgive him, but shalt bring these testimonies before the Lord; and they shall not be blotted out until he repent and ^areward thee four-fold in all things wherewith he has trespassed against thee.

 45 And if he do this, thou shalt forgive him with all thine heart; and if he do not this, I, the Lord, will ^aavenge thee of thine enemy an hundred-fold;

And just in case there is a sense of a little window of justice, there is this lovely scripture; “he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin” (D&C 64:9)

What forgiveness is:
  1.  It is an acceptance of the Atonement as an offering of restitution.
  2.  It is a compensation for what was taken from me.
  3.  It is a way free from the hurt and pain from the wounds of H's actions.

What forgiveness is not:
  1. Forgiveness does not minimize my hurt and pain.
  2. Forgiveness does not give the offender a pass, or a way to sweep the actions away.
  3. Forgiveness does not remove accountability.


Huge wrongs are righted by way of the Atonement which answers all demands for justice.   My job then is to find peace and comfort in the Atonement and let that gift free me from the need to demand restitution on my own.

Each time I have an opportunity to revisit the principle of repentance and forgiveness and apply the gifts of the Atonement in my life, I am blessed with increased knowledge and witness of this give.  My gratitude increases for my Savior.

James Farrell, in his book "Falling to Heaven" says, "to forgive someone sounds like such a gallant act -- a favor dispensed upon another despite his or her despicable mistreatment or thoughtlessness, but it is really just a vital kind of repenting:  repenting of the desire to withhold the love and mercy of the Savior from someone we judge undeserving."

Writing this post in no way implies that I have worked through the stumbling blocks that are preventing me from being resolved.  What it does for me is it gives me a place to come to when I am stuck and not accepting yet.  When working through the forgiveness process has me hung up on righting wrongs done to me rather than giving it to the Savior.  Writing this post serves as a reminder of this; D&C 82:1 "Verily, verily, I say unto you, my servants, that inasmuch as you have forgiven one another your trespasses, even so I, the Lord, forgive you."

In Memory Of….

In memory of all the broken hopes and dreams.
In memory of all the tears I shed.
In memory of all the lies.
In memory of all the times I was cheated on.
In memory of all the nights alone.





I love white roses.  They symbolize purity and a pure love.
I wanted to laugh when H brought them home.
There was nothing pure about what we had.

I didn't though.  That would have been mean.  I don't want to be mean, unkind or ungrateful.  I wanted him to see that I was pleased and surprised.

He said he wanted me to feel special.
I wanted to die when he said that.
Nothing about how he treats me makes me feel special.

I said 'thank you' and placed the vase on the kitchen table.


This is what's left of that day, of my life, of my marriage:

  

It's H's birthday today.
I didn't call or email.
I smashed the vase the Valentine roses came in and wished him a happy day.


I'm worried the tone of the post is not a happy one.  I'm concerned this might be taken wrong.   I don't want it taken that way.

Because….

I have knowledge of the atonement and all this wonderful gift means to me, and even to my husband.  I have felt the healing balm from my Savior.  I know that he rescued me from the pain and anguish of H's choices.  He helped me to forgive and to love.  Mortality can be sad.  People do dumb things and some times those things hurt one another.  H is not his mistakes --- and neither am I.  

I pray for H every day.

I pray he and I both find the hope we need.

I pray we both find peace.

I read an article the other day that made me chuckle.  It was from a therapist's blog post (I'll find the link later and post it.)  It started out with a tag line that alluded to giving a couple permission to divorce.  Once the hook was in he said something like this.

To go ahead and divorce this marriage as it is now.

Divorce the pain and the hurt that is in the past.

Make a new marriage.

Fourteen days have past since H left.  I still have this hope in my heart.  I still ask God every day to save us.  Save us from whatever has us in bondage.  Save us from this world, and all the lies we've been told.  Save us -- and bring us back to Thee.

I trust that God.  I know what my Heavenly Father says is true.  I know not one soul will be lost.  I know that all of this will be worth it.  

Today, on H's birthday, in memory of the old I smashed all of that pain and hurt and memories to pieces.  I give it all to my Savior.   

And pray.

What Do I Tell My Bishop?

I have an appointment to see the bishop this week.  The worry over it is making me physically ill.   I think I must have been subconsciously afraid to run into him at church Sunday (which I always do because I am the ward music director and sit behind him every week).  I thought I had the flu, or ate something funny Saturday night.  I think it was anxiety.

What do you tell your relatively new bishop after your husband has left for the third time this year?  (Yeah, I know its only March.)  How deep do you go into the story that has been unfolding for 25 years in one 20 minute appointment?  What kind of detail should he know so that he looks into your heart and sees you?  I need him to see how much I've tried to make this work.  I need him to see how hard I've worked on forgiveness.

Should I list all the physical affairs and sexual encounters?
Should I include the emotional affairs, the sexting, the email photos, the personals, craigslist, dating sites and the porn?

Should I tell him when it started and that it pretty much hasn't ever stopped?

Last time we met,  Bishop said this to me, "There are two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth."

Yup.  True words.
Maybe even to some degree in my situation.

I'm just curious, what will happen if I play the sex addict card and say,  'yeah, but, ummmmmmm…….'

In 2000, I thought my life, my family, my marriage, was finally settling down.  H and I were back together after a 3 year separation.  We were expecting another child.  H was back at church with us -- every week.  It was supposed to be a happy season.  We'd had some pretty big struggles. We'd waited 11 years for this child.  Things were better, it was time for a season of peace.

But it wasn't.

Relocations, new cities, job issues and losses, babies, miscarriages,  all seemed to impact the long awaited happy season.  Instead it was a long rough patch.

And then it started again.

H was going to school and working two jobs.  We rarely saw each other.  When we did, tension existed between us.  Maybe I was fussy about things.  Maybe he yelled too much.  Some where in the midst of the struggle, instead of coming together to work on fixing things, H took a different route.

I can't even begin to describe the physical pain that shot through me that night I realized H was back at it.  I'd been at a late crop at my store.  I had the kids with me.  H was home, asleep in bed.  I got everyone settled and climbed into bed myself.  Just as I was trying to settle in for the night, I heard the text notification on H's phone.  Who on earth would be texting him at 3:00 in the morning, I wondered. I got out of bed and looked and crumbled to the floor at what I saw.

I don't know who she was or where H met her, but there was pleading, begging, and words that H would never say to me.

I wanted to throw up.

I couldn't sleep.

The next morning I called H out on what I'd discovered last night while he was sound asleep.  It's weird, but even though I could repeat the conversation -- he still denied it.  He still tried to make me out like I was the looney one.

I hate this part of this condition.

The issue didn't' end here and before too long I ferreted out more facts.

I couldn't believe what I was reading on those sex sites.
It was disgusting.
Why would H say that about me?
It made me sick.


I tried to be even more available in the bedroom (because I didn't know what else to do and believed all the lies).

It made it worse.  I felt more objectified.   Suddenly things that weren't part of our normal intimacy became part of it.  I was too afraid to say no.

H and I aren't good at resolution and repair when there bad choices, mistakes,  and shame are involved.

It got worse.

I found more evidence.

I executed an in-house separation.  That sent H over the top.

It just gets uglier from here.
More evidence.
More lies.
More craziness.

It's been this way for years.
Through three bishops.

What do I tell this new one?  How do I tell him so that I don't sound like 'one of those wives'?
I don't want to makes excuses for things. Or justify.

The truth is, H doesn't want to talk about what has really happened and why.  H wants to sweep it under the rug.  He wants me to forget about it.  He wants me to forgive him.  He wants me to love him.

And then he'll stay.
And then he'll be happy.

H has a loud, exuberant, in the center of it all personality.  He's type A.  He is a 30 year retired Navy Senior Chief.  He doesn't take crap from anyone.  He doesn't take second either.

(Oh, and this bishop is a retired navy chief too (more boys club associations.)

I'm the quiet, hid-in-the-corner type.  It's taken a like-minded/like-experienced network of women to pull me out of this cocoon I built around myself.  It wasn't until Addo explained what was happening that I finally found my voice.

I still need to talk to this bishop.
I know he doesn't get it.
I tried once.

I sent him one of those 'letters to a bishop' from the Rowboat site.

Epic fail.

That was the same meeting where he gave me the two sides -- truth in the middle lecture.

Time to pray.  I need someone on my side so that I can share my story in a way Bishop will hear it.

Happiness Amid Hardship

There's a need in my social community to strive for more positive outlook in our trials.  I recognize this need.  I applaud it and acknowledge the good it can do in our healing.

The Book of Mormon contains great examples of happiness amid hardship.  2 Nephi 5:27 says, "We lived after the manner of happiness."  I love that verse.

Jack R. Christiansen in his book, Life Lessons from the Book of Mormon says that happiness (or joy) is a fruit of the spirit.  It cannot be forced, coerced or mandated.

He goes on to say that "some people try so desperately to find and keep happiness that they are miserable.  They seek happiness with drugs, alcohol, pornography, money, fame, or sexual impropriety.    In the end, however, they find only sorrow, heartbreak and emptiness.  Genuine, lasting happiness is a by-product of sincerely following the Father, and his son, and of making and keeping sacred covenants. Happiness cannot be forced any more than a plant can be forced to grow."

I read once that one of the most bewildering things about becoming happy is confusing it with pleasure. This is so true in the world that I am familiar with, and in the world of the wonderful women in my social network.  The confusion of pleasure equaling happiness to the men in our lives.

Pleasure is actually a temporary emotion and is not the same thing as sustainable happiness.   Like being happy with a new cell phone or a new outfit.  We receive pleasure from the experiences and additions of life, however, they do not bring the sustainable happiness for which we each yearn.

Camilla Fronk Olson said this at a BYU Women's Conference,

"To the paralytic man lying helpless on a bed, Jesus proclaimed, “Be of good cheer” (Matthew 9:2). To the frightened Apostles battling the tempestuous sea, Jesus appeared on the water, declaring, “Be of good cheer” (Matthew 14:27). As Joseph Smith met with 10 elders about to be sent out on missions fraught with trouble and danger, the Lord announced, “Be of good cheer” (D&C 61:36). In each instance the people had every reason to be anxious, fearful, and hopeless, yet the Lord directed them toward a reason to rejoice."

" Speaking to the Apostles in His final moments before Gethsemane, Jesus said, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained: “The unimaginable agony of Gethsemane was about to descend upon Jesus; Judas’ betrayal was imminent. Then would come Jesus’ arrest and arraignment; the scattering of the Twelve like sheep; the awful scourging of the Savior; the unjust trial; the mob’s shrill cry for Barabbas instead of Jesus; and then the awful crucifixion on Calvary. What was there to be cheerful about? Just what Jesus said: He had overcome the world! The atonement was about to be a reality. The resurrection of all mankind was assured. Death was to be done away with—Satan had failed to stop the atonement.”

There is comfort in that last line, "Satan had failed to stop the atonement."  Knowing how important the atonement is to the suffering of mortality.  

Knowing we were sent here to be tried and tested.  We will not be able to avoid pain.  Thinking that obedience and goodness will prevent adversity is a faulty belief.  

D&C 24:8 "Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of they days."

We will not be alone in our trials --- ever.

It isn't a fair world to our mortal mindset.  We look on and believe that others are doing better than we.  We see even the disobedient acquiring more 'perceived' happiness that those of us who struggle so to be righteous.

"the Lord is not promising us just material wealth if we seek first the kingdom. From my own experience I know this is not the case. In the words of Henrik Ibsen: “Money may be the husk of many things, but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not faithfulness; days of joy, but not peace or happiness” (In The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on the Business of Life, New York: Forbes, Inc., 1968, p. 88).

I see a gem of truth in that quote.  We have a skewed view of what happiness is and how it is obtained.   It is easy to forget that we are being trained and groomed for a higher purpose through the trials of mortality.  We lack patience in this world of instant gratification.  It is difficult to get our mind wrapped around the fact that some trials may last a life time.  In that difficulty we lose the eternal perspective that who we are now and where we are now is not a permanent condition.  


I don't have a special or specific formula for happiness.  I do wonder if part of it is attitude, part of it is gratitude, maybe part of it is choice.  I believe striving for happiness blesses us, strengthens us and makes us more able to endure the assignment we have been given.  I don't always apply these beliefs.  Today I am grateful for the reminders.