Why Is Emotional Pain So Physical?

Some where inside my head lies the region known as "the anterior insula  and anterior cingulate cortex."  When pain occurs, regardless of the cause, this location of the brain activates and hurt is felt.  This is the reason why breaks ups hurt - literally.  Embarrassment in social settings hurt -- literally.  Likewise, when you stub your toe you'll have both a physical and emotional pain experience.



Day 2 of some pretty intense emotional pain.

I try to stay busy, but the hurt still sneaks through.
I try to write, but the hurt sneaks out of me and falls through my eyes.
I want to feel normal, but I can't until I give this break time to heal.

I've heard that it helps to think of a broken heart like a broken arm.  You don't pretend that pain isn't there.  You accept it, and you give it time to heal.

The difficult part is being on the beginning part of time.  In the initial days of hurt, injury or divorce it isn't easy to see time as a gift.  

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“Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I’m supposed to do right now. Right now I can’t sleep. It’s right now that I can’t eat. Right now I still hear his voice and sense his presence even though I know he’s not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now.”
― Nina Guilbeau, Too Many Sisters


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Right now I have time.  I don't have him.
I knew how to fill my time, when I had him.
I don't have him right now.  I just have time.
I don't know what to do with time, when I'm without him.

My marriage has been full of pain.  I've felt the pain of deception.  The pain of infidelity.  The pain of rejection.  The pain of separation.  I've feel the pain of abandonment.   Pain has been almost a constant companion of mine.  Yet in all that experience I have never learned how to deal with that initial shock.  That moment when new knowledge collides with what was thought to be true -- and now isn't. The discovery of a faulty belief undoes me.   

Whether H is an addict or a "serial cheater", he's brought into my life plenty of emotional pain.  This time I have tools to apply to the hurt.  This time I make healthier choices.  This time I use the knowledge I've gained trying to understand betrayal trauma to process the hurt in more positive directions.  

It will still take time.  
There will still be rough patches.
There could still be tears.

This time I tell myself:
  1.  This isn't about me.
  2.  I am not a bad wife or a bad lover.
  3.  I'm not ugly or undesirable.
  4.  I am enough.
  5.  I may be bruised and wounded from this life, but I am not broken beyond repair.
  6.  I will get up.
  7.  I will progress.
  8.  I will heal.
  9.  I will be happy again.
10.  I can feel badly for H -- but I will not take his pain and his damaged brain on me again.  He needs to find his own path forward, his own recovery and healing. 

Lost Pieces of My Life

My kids were over today.  I so enjoy their visits.  Even all the noise and the messes the little ones make.   Today's visit was different.  Unsettling.  Not because we didn't get along  -- because we did.  But because stories were told.  Stories I couldn't remember.

As S was telling the story, I knew he was telling a family story.  A story about my husband and children.  I just couldn't remember it happening.  Part of me wanted so much for it to be someone else's story -- not mine.  It wasn't a happy story.  It was a story with hurt, pain and sadness woven all through it.

It left me hurting and empty and questioning where had those memories gone and why I couldn't remember?  And,  if those two stories retold today are missing, how many other stories are lost as well?

Today I feel like I don't even know myself.
Today I feel missing and incomplete.
Today betrayal trauma has injured my ability to cope and recall my story.

I'm working my step 4, writing my personal inventory, and wondering how can I truly and honestly complete this inventory when I'm missing and incomplete?

My sponsor suggested I take what I have written so far and pray about it.  I've put the inventory on hold for now and placed my journal by my bed to read and pray about.  I'm praying I find myself.

I feel so very sad for those lost pieces of me.  It reminds me of the years of moving around during our military days and having all my belongings boxed up in storage.  The homes we lived in then weren't home to me because so much of me wasn't there.  I feel like that now and hoping the Lord will place that lost box of me before me as I kneel at my bed searching for knowledge and truth.

Disclosures Lies Broken Brain

I don't like trickling disclosures.
I don't like lies.

I had to deal with both of these yesterday.

I discovered some lies and a craigslist personal my husband had answered.  He lied about that.
I discovered him soliciting sex again.  He lied about that.

You would think after 25 years of being discovered H would learn that lies, cover-ups, deceptions, etc. always find their way out of the dark hole he tries to bury them in.

You would think -- except addicts have a broken brain.

The word 'addiction' comes from the Latin reference for "enslaved" or "bound to".  Makes sense.   The school of thought used to be that only alcohol and drugs could be considered a cause for addiction.   Researchers are now realizing that 'pleasure activities' sex, shopping, eating, and gambling can also be a cause.

In the early 1900s it was believed that addictions were some how a moral flaw or lack of willpower.  Punishments being the preferred treatment to 'break the habit.'  Our current mode of thought is that addiction is a chronic disease that changes the brain striation and function -- just like  heart disease changes and damages the heart.   The term often used for the damaged or broken brain as a 'hijacked brain."    Just like with drugs a surge of dopamine is released under the cerebral cortex when the brain registers pleasure.  What takes an enjoyable moment to addiction is the speed, intensity and reliability of these dopamine releases to the brain.

This is complicated further due to the fact that dopamine also effects learning and memory.  An important factor in the process of liking something to becoming addicted to it.   Dopamine interacts with  other neurotransmitters that take over the brains system of reward-related learning.   This particular system links activities needed for human survival with pleasure and reward.

I ran into this broken brain last night when I presented H with an email I came across on his phone.  Instead of telling the truth -- H packed and ran.

Here I am again trying to sort through the disclosure, the lies, the leaving again on my own.  Sorting through the right way and the wrong way to deal with these continual issues.  Always asking myself, "what would the Savior do?"  And alway wondering if I can ever say, 'enough is enough."

Is it ok to require honesty?
Is it ok to have boundaries?  Or are those ultimatums?
Is it ok to say 'no, you can't live here if you cannot stop what you are doing."

Sometimes I wonder if it is not just H's brain that is broken.  So much damage and trauma from all these years of never really knowing what the truth is.

I hear myself 'sigh' as I wander around the house.  The pain is audible.  I keep apologizing to my D.  Telling her that I just need to let it out so that it doesn't build and come out in other ways.  But I know it bothers her.  I feel bad.

Some days -- I really wish I could turn this trial in for another one.  Even though I know all the stores of how if all the trials of all the world were put in a pile for us to choose -- we'd still choose our own -- the one we are familiar with.  I still ---  want to see if I can feel more successful with something else  -- for a change.

Recovery Work: My Husband's Scriptures and a New Cell Phone

If there is anything I have learned over the course of 25 years of addict married life  -- it would be to give yourself plenty of room to make mistakes -- then correct the ones you can.

I am not calling last week a mistake as much as I'm calling it a big bump.  In the process of this conflict, I  have a chance to get back to my boundaries and non-negotiables, review them and work towards presenting them to H in a way that we can both be heard and respected.  


Learned lesson #1 -- It's ok to stop and back up when things get out of control.  Maybe not all the way back to separate houses (we have two and have to be careful here), but at least with enough distance to get perspective.

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It took us about 6 days to recover from last Sunday's explosion.   The recovery brought with it a tender mercy -- my husband's scriptures.  I haven't seen those beloved books for a very long time.  He quit taking them to church long ago, and once he quit going to church he buried them under the dust and debris under his dresser.

I asked H about them when I noticed them sitting on my dresser Sunday morning.  His reply; "If I'm going to do this -- I'm going to do it all the way."  (I am learning to appreciate his black/white nature when it brings about good things.)  I was pretty speechless at that point, but I managed to give him a big hug between the unbidden tears.

Learned lesson #2 -- Let H know when you appreciate his efforts.

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H needed a new cell phone.  I hate his phone.  It is emotionally connected to a very bad day and ugly discoveries.   I am trying to work through it -- except….

I discovered last night while trying to help him get everything transferred that he has names of women listed as some of his game center friends.

I have this issue:  My (*under construction) Personal Bill of Rights:

1. I have a right to never again share my husband with another woman (in any form) or in any way (internet, text, email, phone, in person, etc)

Quietly and bravely I said to H, "I'm not ok with you playing games with other women.  I'm really not ok with the games -- but if you are going to play them, please do what you can to keep your game friends to men only."     Shockingly H agreed and said he would delete all of the female friends.

Issue resolved.

Learned Lesson #3  --  Voice your concerns quietly and calmly with 'I'm not comfortable with ______"

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It hasn't always been this easy to resolve issues.  In fact, for most of my life it was next to impossible.  There is a huge piece of me that doesn't trust this.  I'm trying to turn this lack of trust over to God and allow him to help guide us through this recovery.

Boundaries Vs. Compelling Church Attendance

 
Does Attending Church = A Relationship Requirement ?


I'm finding setting up boundaries a daunting task for me with regard to one particular issue -- Church.

To me, this one issue is crucial.  Church isn't something we just do because it is a good thing.  Attending church is the evidence of our beliefs, of who we are.  It is the keystone of life.  Without this piece we flounder and fail in mortality.

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we know that one of the Adversary's main missions is to destroy the family -- which includes marriage.  If Satan can turn husbands against wives, if he can divert our attention to other things, if he can cause hearts to fail -- families will fail.

My family, my marriage has been in a state of failure off and on since its inception.  We started on shaky ground.  We started with lies and deception.  We didn't repair that faulty start -- and we've added to it over the years.  I don't want it to sound like it has only been bad moves.  It hasn't.  A lot of good happened also -- in between the mistakes.  This is what life is like in mortality.  We are here to learn from our mistakes.  That is the place I find myself at now -- needing desperately to learn from a mistake of not having God present, first and foremost in our marriage.

How do I fix this condition I find myself in without my husband reading this as an ultimatum or me compelling him to attend church in order for us to be together.  I am not wanting to compel.  I know the importance of agency.  I also know the only give we can truly give God is to use our agency to obey Him and become like His son.

All I know to do right now is take this issue to the Lord in prayer.

My Fence and My Boundaries (a page under construction)

This is a picture of a fence I have in my recovery journal.  The picture is from an assignment from one of my therapists.  The objective was to draw ( or find) a picture that represented my personal boundary wall or fence.  The reason I chose this picture was because it represents the lack of care for my personal rights, both by myself and by my husband.  It shows damage to the relationship and boundary.  Still, it also shows strength and growth as represented in the tall and strong trees and the green of the field floor.  At face value this image appears to be a sad or forgotten space, but when looking deeper there is still the possibility of hope.  I see my marriage and myself with those hopes in mind.

However, because of what happened last weekend I realized I needed to revisit the instructions on creating boundaries and a personal bill of rights that I was taught by Dr. Kevin Skinner at Addo Recovery (www.addorecovery.com) 

Dr. Skinner taught that boundaries are not at attempt to be controlling or mean.  Instead they are an expectation that you ask others to respect.   

Rhyll Crowshaw (www.rhyllrecovery.com) shares this on her blog;  "Boundaries are set because we do not want to enable our loved ones in a behavior that is, “Mood Altering, Belief Changing, Relationship Damaging, Addiction Forming, Socially Harmful, Spiritually Deadening, and Life Crippling” (Jill Manning) it is essential that we stand for our truth at ALL times. Boundaries are for safety and an expression of love for ourselves and for others."

Boundaries then, are a way for me to feel safe in an unsafe situation.  


My Boundary List (*under construction)

1.  Having my home free of language, images, jokes, etc that disrespects the spirit

2.  Having the right to my own personal opinions and beliefs.  Being able to state them in a safe environment without being ridicule or negated.

3.  Having a right to have a truth-based marriage in all areas of concern;  sex/intimacy, money, relationships outside of the marriage, etc.

4.  Having a right to healthy, wholesome intimacy in the marriage.


My (*under construction) Personal Bill of Rights:

1. I have a right to never again share my husband with another woman (in any form) or in any way (internet, text, email, phone, in person, etc)

2.  I have a right to a home where our LDS beliefs and values are lived, expressed, respected, taught.

3.  I have a right to remove any material, object, device, etc. that is potentially damaging to the Spirit or safety in my home.

4.  I have a right to clean, wholesome intimate relationship with my husband.

Dr. Skinner taught another lesson on "Non-negotiables" that was very difficult for me as I was going through his classes.  Setting limits was very difficult for me.  My husband always saw a limit as 'an ultimatum."   Working through my recovery I am seeing the need for a list of items that I will not yield on.

My  (*under construction) Non-negotiables:
1. My place is first; before work, children, friends, activities/events, etc.  
2. We will be a church attending, church living couple
3. I will not be bullied or manipulated in any degree or in any situation (opinions, intimacy, etc)
4. I have a right to express when I feel unsafe and have that feeling acknowledged and addressed.







List Disclaimer:

*The purpose of marking these lists as 'under construction' is so that I can take the time I need to ponder upon these rights and boundaries to be sure the cover and include all the areas that have been damaged in my marriage.  I was scared to death last year to make these lists.  As I looked over the material and listened to the sessions 25 years of doubt and lack of self-confidence convinced me that setting up conditions like this would lead to the end of my marriage.  I faultily believed that I needed to comply to my husband's requests and forego my needs to stay married.  I was wrong and I am now fixing this. 

Twenty Days

That's as long as I lasted.  20 days.

We were doing o.k. -- not great -- but o.k.  Until Sunday.

I lost it.
He lost it.

He refused to go to church.

I got triggered.

I asked him to leave.

We were only back together 20 days.

In some ways I was doing ok.  I was working on compromising.  I was working on accepting the 'disclosure' (if you can call it that) that was made during counseling.  I was trying to let it go.

Sunday when he realized he was stressed over a work assignment and hadn't made that a priority on Saturday  -- suddenly -- without warning or discussion -- it became one.

He wouldn't bend.

Go with us and I'll take the kids to the other house and we'll leave you alone so you can work.

He refused.

Just go to Sacrament meeting with me then.

He wouldn't compromise.

He was angry.  He was unbendable.

I lost it.

I don't want to do this again.  I don't ever want to go to church alone.

Boundary breach.

He took all his stuff and left.

I went to church -- alone -- again.  Just like I've been doing the past 3 years.

He came home too soon, I think.
Before we talked about enough issues.
Before we addressed his anger and how that scares me.
Before we addressed my issue with him and church.

I don't know if we can start over.
He feels rejected and kicked out.
I feel lied to and manipulated.
And I'm being blamed for the whole issue.

This was 20 day recovery failure!