Broken Dreams

Unpacking boxes today.
Putting things away in my beautiful new home.
A home that was the realization of both our dreams.
For years.

Unpacking boxes today.
Putting away the possessions that have made our house home.
For years.

Unpacking boxes today.
Alone.

We're not going to be able to work through the pain of the deception and infidelities.  It's too much for him to bear, he says.  To carry my pain is too heavy a load.  It can't be all about me, he said.  And yet, he won't quit.  He won't give up the sex sites, dating sites, porn, the infidelity.  That is too much for me to bear.  He won't quit lying -- which hurts so much.

It feels like me against him right now.  I don't like how that feels.  I don't like it because for so many years I gave in to his way.  I closed my eyes, looked away from my pain and kept trying to avoid divorce.  I'm not used to standing my ground or validating and honoring what is right and wrong for me.  I'm not used to it so I struggle now standing firm.

For so many years I hurt when he was gone.  The loneliness or longing for him crushed me.  Tonight the loneliness is there -- just different.  Tonight I'm sad that we are at this standoff with no way in site to break through to a better place.

Maybe I cannot hear his pain.  Maybe after so many years of lies and cheating I can't trust.  I have spent the last two years trying so hard to love him and look the other way.  Still every once in a while the wave of remembrance washed over me and consumed me.  I'd try to talk.  I'd try to share what the affairs and deception had done to me.  He wouldn't listen.  He blamed me for not forgiving him.  He accused me of never being able to get past it.  He shut down -- for days.

Today as I unpack the belongings that have made our house a home for so many years, I do so alone.  I know he's not moving back in.  I know he won't be here to celebrate the fast approaching holidays.  I know he's going to be alone.  The kids will be with me, food will be on our table, and even though I will be physically surrounded by loved ones, my heart will be heavy and hurting.  I'm pretty sure my mind will be wandering all over the past 25 years of holiday memories.  I'm pretty sure I'll be fighting the impulse to call -- or ignoring the phone if he calls.  I'm pretty sure I'm about to experience the first of  sad and lonely holidays.

Dreams are broken.  Prayers said over and over seem to be bouncing off heaven as the course of life takes a drastic shift for me.  There will still be many forced smiles and pretending.  Only this time, I'll pretend I'm well alone instead of well married.

Broken dreams hurt.

Calling a Spade -- a Spade -- Part 2

My story continues....

When I began to tell my story I got caught up in all my triggery places and ran.  Today I am stronger.  Today it is time for more truth.

For many years I have been a lost soul (I said that before, right? )  Then one day early this past year I found myself.  

And here I am:  http://vimeo.com/74534413

If you'd like to see more -- check out the rest of my story and that of some other very awesome women.  

As I work on telling my story I'll include more links and resources that I found valuable in my recovery.  As I said before, this is a story about me, not about him.  I learned long ago that if I wanted to fix something -- I had to fix me.   Sure, I tried it the other way for a long time.  That was much like banging my head against a brick wall.  It just hurt more and was anything but effective.  

When all of these issues began for me there wasn't a place to get help.  I spent years in confusion and pain.  Today there is help.  There are places you can go to find relief and shoulders to cry on.  There are 12-step programs,  Facebook groups, forums and therapists that understand betrayal trauma.  

There is no reason to live in my dark world anymore. 

On the Road to Emmaus...

I'm pondering on the lyrics to a favorite song of mine by Hillary Weeks.  I love her music, but this one speaks to me today.  

I can see the two apostles traveling towards Emmaus.  The Savior had been crucified and they were confused.  They wanted to believe what Jesus had taught, but they doubted.  The hopes they had were lost in the confusion of what happened.   Another traveler joins them.  They don't recognize him until he calls them on their unbelief.

It is like that in my life right now.  I know, I believe, I was taught, still, somehow I mire in the day to day trial and forget.  

So I listen for His voice and for the reassurance that I am doing ok and I try to continue on my road.

The Road to Emmaus, by Hillary Weeks

We went our way that day
To a village called Emmaus
Three days since our Loard had died
And Judas had betrayed us
Along the way a stranger came
And asked to travel with us
But we couldn't see He was
The King He was

So we told Him of our sorrow and confusion How we trusted we'd be led
To a mansion in God's kingdom
How all our hopes had faded
When they nailed Him to a cross
Still we couldn't see He was
The King He was

On the road to Emmaus
As He opened the scriptures to us
And our hearts burned within us
On the road to Emmaus

We heard a familiar voice
As He quoted from the prophets
How the Son of God must give His life
And rise again to save us
Then as we saw the nail prints in His hands our eyes were opened
And we could see He was
The King He was

Then He was gone
Vanished from our sight
But the Spirit made it clear to us
The Lord was by our side

Chorus

Moving On!

I'm in the process of a big change.  For the first time in my married life I am at peace with it -- anxious for it even.  It surprises me to feel this free.  For many years I've tried to come to this point and have failed miserably.   Its difficult to separate.  Worse to divorce.  Bad stigma associations, failure fears, judgements, I could go on and on with reasons not to do it.  Then there is that odd issue of missing my husband when he isn't around and forgetting the fact that when he is there is this whole crazy emotionally dysfunctional thing that happens between us when he's there. (This issue is a whole blog post of it's own)

I see the path before me but my husband isn't quite on board with the path.  This is causing me conflict in reaching my goal.  We made this decision together several weeks ago.  We've been making joint decisions in that direction.  Now that we are at execution point I am beginning to see him struggling with the decision.

I need to confront this head on before we get further mired in the confusion.  I'm not good at confronting him.  I've spent years just being quiet and doing whatever he wanted.  Sticking up for myself is challenging me.   I'm working on it though.  As I continue to pack and separate I'm formulating my approach.  I don't want hurt.  I don't want pointing fingers or criticizing.  I want him to know that I love him,  I worry about him and pray for him, but I am not second in all of that charity.  I love me (I know that I am valuable).  I care and worry and pray for me, for my peace of mind, for peace in my heart and in my home.  And if -- my husband wanted to work towards that same goal we would never be needing to have this separation.

While I work on this speech formulation I keep asking myself, am I being selfish?  Is taking care of me, for once in my life, selfish?  Is setting boundaries selfish?  I worry about selfishness.  I am constantly evaluating this issue because of all the gospel principles on pride.   I have listened and studied so many talks and Ensign articles on marriage.  The common thread on marriages that don't work is pride and selfishness.  Is my situation different some how?

I'm not sure -- and wonder if I ever will be.  What I do know, and what I hang all of my decisions and indecision on is -- marriage is a partnership.  Temple marriage is a covenanted partnership.  Partnerships require the effort of all parties to be successful   For at least the past two years I have tried to carry the whole load on my own.  I have asked for help and received silence.   I am taking that silence as permission for me to make my own choice.  I am stepping out into this dark unknown on my own and pray the answers and the validation will come as I continue to seek the Lord's will as I travel this path.

Calling a Spade, A Spade

This is a post that has been sitting in my draft folder for two years. In fact, most of the posts have been sitting in that same folder.  I'm getting them out now and hoping they help me in the telling -- and you as you walk this journey with me.

This is a story about telling the truth.  Not his truth, mine.  It's a post about getting real and accepting.  It's a post that I have stared at for a long time wondering if I should hit the delete or keep on going.

Today, I'm going to get real.
Today, I'm going to call a spade -- a spade.
Today, I'm going to tell a story about a girl who married a man with sexual additions.

This story might take a long time to tell.  I might take me a while because this is a story I have kept inside me and never wanted anyone to hear.  In fact, I was afraid of owning it myself.  Which is why this story is buried in this blog and not the first entry.

Here's my story:

I have been married 24 years and until this past year I did not even have a name to call what was happening to me.  I felt like something wasn't right and I was powerless to fix it.  Until this year. Finally, after 24 years, and more hurt than any soul should bear,  I found me and I found a way out.

In truth, it doesn't matter what he did so that isn't part of this story.  It won't make anyone feel better to hear details of a marriage of infidelity or sexual addictions.  It won't make anyone feel better to hear how the pain tore up a daughter of God -- and her children.  It won't make me feel better to tell it, so that isn't the story I will write.  The story I want to tell is how love, faith, hard work and a bit of getting real, calling it what it is, has shown me peace I didn't think I would ever find.  It hasn't changed the story, or what happened, or the person who brought all the pain my way.  It has changed me --- and if going through all of this has brought me to who I am now, shown me who I can become, then I am so grateful the Lord took me down this path to learn what He wanted me to learn.





....to be continued.....

Submitting & Coming to an Understanding -

Submitting does not come without its own set of trials and tests.  Submitting doesn't always make you feel better.  In fact, submitting in and of itself often causes internal conflict.  I am at that place again.  This decision I made last week tore up my little world and presented all of us with a set of feelings we didn't want to look at.  It brought tons of unanswerable questions and confusion.  


On one hand, I find myself lighter, the decision to believe and to act upon it was freeing.  For others, this is not the case.  I am torn.  I am in the middle.  


As I approach this age and stage of life, I would like to think that I am not still trying to learn so much about love and relationships. But, I just am. What I am coming to learn and understand is humbling me and very challenging. Over the past few years a particular trial has been placed before me. I have not born it well. In fact, I have had to repeat the lesson over and over. Until I am almost at the point of despair and turning away from the blessing that could come of it. Have you ever been in love? I have and I haven't done a very good job of it for a long while. In fact, I haven't really understood it at all. This gets ahead of my story and beginnings are always the best place to start.

I had a Cinderella story stored way back in my heart.  From the time that I was a little girl I fed details into my story.  As I grew I altered the details to fit me as I awaited the day they would all come true.  I believed that day would happen -- and never doubted -- though it was a long time off.   I didn't marry until my 30th year.  The man I chose to love brought incredible joy into my life and incredible pain.  (There is a story about opposition here, but I will save that for later.)  As our life together started it shattered the story I had woven over the years.  Pieces of the story broke irreparably.  I would never get back what was taken or what was undone.  I had only one choice but to press forward as best I could and hope the damaged pieces wouldn't cause a conflict I couldn't resolve.

Pressing forward (another phrase I could give hours to) is not as easy as one thinks.  When you have a story or a plan that you spent years detailing out it is difficult to not trip and fall over the unexpected change in plot.   The details etched in place over childhood and youth do not always adjust with grace.  A little girl's Cinderella story is full of emotion and feeling.  Feelings are not easy to change.  You would think love makes it easy to change.  It does not.  Love often can be one of the most difficult emotions to get around.  Its difficult to understand.  Its difficult to read coming from another.  The world has added a confusing dimension to love as well.  

Love, for me was complicated.  Years of complications, rough starts, mis-read signals, unrealized dreams, horrific trials all added to the state of confusion I was feeling inside me.  Until one day, when I felt the least amount of hope -- I was given a chance.  

I have a very solid faith-based set of principles I live by.  I was raised in the LDS faith, in a good LDS home. I was taught in my youth what was good and true.  I believe, as do most of my faith that God speaks to us each as individuals.  I believe in the principle of personal revelation, I felt I could find answers to all of my trials and get the necessary help.  I felt I knew just what the path was I should take and what was required to get where I was going.   If all of that is true -- why do I struggle so much to make sense of what I am going through?

Words That Do Not Fit

Have you ever attempted to speak to someone only to find that the words you use mean something different to the person to whom you said them?  This happens to me all the time,  with one particular person.  It seems we have a different dictionary.  So much so, that when I speak, I must think about each word I use.

Another issue that comes up with this individual ( referred to going forward as "H") is one of wanting to say something, only to realize that there is already to much pain to even attempt to speak.

H and I have known each other many years.  One would think, because of the closeness and the time factor talking to one another would be easy.  This is not the case with us.  Try as I might, I cannot seem to feel connected when we communicate.  How I dearly long for there to be a connection between us.

I have come to the conclusion that communication works the best when the heart is in the right place to receive.  This, I believe, applies whether the words are vocalized or written.  With the heart in tune, the reception is clear.

H and I have not be connected at the heart for a very long time.  I believe that has damaged our ability to communicate.  Lack of patience and selfishness damage communication too.

Here are some of the helps I'm trying to internalize to help me communicate better:

1. Stop and listen.

How many times have you heard someone say this or read this in an article about communication skills? How hard is it to actually do when you’re “in the moment?” Harder than it sounds. When we’re knee deep within a serious discussion or argument with our significant other, it’s hard to put aside our point for the moment and just listen. We’re often so afraid of not being heard, we rush to keep talking. Ironically, such behavior makes it all the more likely we won’t be heard.

2. Force yourself to hear.

You’ve stopped talking for the moment, but your head is still swirling with all of the things you want to say, so you’re still not really hearing what is being said. Laugh all you want, but therapists have a technique that works very well that “forces” them to really hear what a client tells them — rephrasing what a person has just said to them (called “reflection”).

This may upset a partner if you do it too much, or do it in a tone that suggests you’re mocking rather than trying to seriously listen. So use the technique sparingly, and let your partner know why you’re doing it if they ask — “Sometimes I don’t think I’m getting what you’re telling me, and doing this lets me slow my mind down a bit and really try and hear what you’re saying.”

3. Be open and honest with your partner.

Some people have never been very open to others in their life. Heck, some people might not even know themselves, or know much about their own real needs and desires. But to be in a relationship is to take a step toward opening up your life and opening up yourself.

Little lies turn into big lies. Hiding your emotions behind a cloak of invincibility might work for you, but won’t work for most others. Pretending everything is alright isn’t alright. And giving your partner the silent treatment is about as useful as a fish with a bicycle. In the desert. At night. These things may have “worked” for you in the past, but they are all barriers to good communication.

Being open means talking about things you may have never talked about with another human being before in your life. It means being vulnerable and honest with your partner, completely and unabashedly. It means opening yourself up to possible hurt and disappointment. But it also means opening yourself up to the full potential of all a relationship can be.

4. Pay attention to nonverbal signals.

Most of our communication with one another in any friendship or relationship isn’t what we say, but how we say it. Nonverbal communication is your body language, the tone of your voice, its inflection, eye contact, and how far away you are when you talk to someone else. Learning to communicate better means that you need to learn how to read these signals as well as hear what the other person is saying. Reading your partner’s nonverbal signals takes time and patience, but the more you do it, the more attuned you will be to what they’re really saying, such as:

• Folded arms in front of a person may mean they’re feeling defensive or closed off.
• Lack of eye contact may mean they’re not really interested in what you’re saying, are ashamed of something, or find it difficult to talk about something.
• Louder, more aggressive tone may mean the person is escalating the discussion and is becoming very emotionally involved. It might also suggest they feel like they’re not being heard or understood.
• Someone who’s turned away from you when talking to you may mean disinterest or being closed off.

All the while you’re reading your partner’s nonverbal signals, be aware of your own. Make and maintain eye contact, keep a neutral body stance and tone to your voice, and sit next to the person when you’re talking to them.

5. Stay focused in the here and now.

Sometimes discussions turn into arguments, that can then morph into a discussion about everything and the kitchen sink. To be respectful of one another and the relationship, you should try and keep the discussion (or argument) focused to the topic at hand. While it’s easy to get in the cheap shots or bring up everything that an argument seems to call for, just don’t. If the argument is ostensibly about who’s making dinner tonight, keep it that topic. Don’t veer off down the country road of who does what in the house, who’s responsible for child rearing, and by the way, who cleans the kitchen sink.

Arguments that do veer off tend to escalate and grow larger and larger. One party needs to make an effort at that point to try and de-escalate the argument, even if it means walking away from it, literally. But do so as respectfully as possible, saying something like, “Look, I can see this isn’t going to get any better by discussing it tonight. Let’s sleep on it and try talking about it with fresh eyes in the morning, okay?”

(source: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/14/9-steps-to-better-communication-today/)

This is going to take a lot of retraining.